A little lost

[DB2]

Before I begin let me give those a little insight of my boyfriend Michael. We met in college this year (2018) he was 31 and I'm 24. We became serious really fast, I don't  know how to explain it but I just knew. I realized I was in love and crazy about him. Things were moving so fast but it seemed so natural. Into our third month of dating he died suddenly in a car crash. Later on 4 months after, I didn't expect to date or love anyone else but I found myself dating a close friend of his and mine. For a while i questioned whether this was the right move but I realized it may have been Michael's way of having someone take care of me...someone he could trust. But I'm also not sure either. I love this new person, Michael taught me how to love myself... how to love in general and I'm trying to do the same in this relationship. I think about Michael most days and I'm reminded of little actions, photos, audio recordings and even people. I've spoken to his mother and we are to meet soon my biggest worry and problem is how to tell her I'm dating someone. Someone she knows. I know that I will never forget him or move on. But I also care for his mom I also don't want to hurt her. Fast forward-Now me and this new person having been dating for 5 months. One of his friends is still unsettled about our relationship. We are so distant from each other I want to talk to him but it seems like he doesn't still. I don't  know what to do. I'm so lost and I keep crying because I want to ask Michael what to do and I don't know what to do.

[Nicash]

I’m in a sort of similar situation as you. My relationship with my boyfriend was only a couple of months until I found him dead. Then I got back into a relationship with an ex bf who I’ve known forever about three months later and we are still together. I just posted a thread about my situation. I’m unsure if it’s good for us to be together. No one can tell you what’s right or wrong. Only you can tell. And only time will tell. I personally would feel dating a friend of my dead loved one  is way too close for comfort and way too much of a reminder on a daily basis. I am already triggered and reminded with my relationship and he never knew who it was I dated. It’s very complex stuff relationships after losing your loved one. I wish I had the answers but I don’t.

I would utilize the support of his mother, instead of a partner, if that is something she is offering. I didn’t get that and I wish I did. 

Best of luck in your processing through. 

[KayC]

@DB2  So you still haven't had this talk with his mom?  Honesty and just putting it out there...letting her know that he was a real friend to you and you've started having feelings for each other, that you'll always love Michael and this doesn't change that.

I feel caution when people jump into a new relationship before processing their grief fully, I hope it's not trying to push away the grief, because it'll be important for you to grieve Michael, not just blot it out, does you new BF understand that?  It takes a strong man to get that.  I have a friend that lost her husband, she had two boys and started seeing someone who was coaching them, also had children.  Fast forward, they're married now but he doesn't allow any pictures up of her late husband, not even when the boys were growing up, he's jealous.  So make sure this guy is secure in himself and not threatened by someone who is deceased.  It's been very hard for her to live with this all these years.

I honestly encourage you to see a grief counselor, it's very hard to direct ourselves when we're flailing!  I also want to point out to both of you that you found someone when you were vulnerable, make sure it's right before giving yourself over to it, and not just to distract you from your grief or because you're afraid to be alone.  I'm all for happy endings, I just want to make sure you're aware of all that is going on so you don't end up with further heartache later on down the road.  Been there!

[DB2]

Thank you for your messages❤

Ive had people pass away before in my life so I've kind of been prepared but likewise in the same sense nothing can prepare you for this. When it comes to grieving wise I feel like you will never fully grieve. I mean that's why we are all here right on this thread? We are healing but never fully grieving. I think we heal enough to understand...to cope...to gain relief but it will always still be there in the back of our mind. We will always have our moments whether they are positive or negative. If I'm wrong please let me understand your perspective.

Me and the friend I've dated have talked about Michael and whether we truly love each other or whether we are using each other to distract ourselves. Our discussion went as follows: I call it "pity love". I ask him to be honest with me and vice versa i would too. He said that he loves me and this was not to distract himself or to give me any pity love. We only discuss Michael in serious talk like this. 

I'm not pushing away grief. The weeks after Michael's death isolated myself and that's when o was truly pushing away. 

I think I'm okay with dating Andy because he understands everything. I am always reminded by Michael but I always look at it as positive reminders. 

No I haven't spoken to Michael's mother about this is because I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to say it. I've seen grief counselors for quite sometime. It has helped me a lot. I just don't  know what to say here I've been told to just say it.

 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, DB2 said:

We are healing but never fully grieving.

I'm not sure what you mean by this.  We can and need to process our grief, I feel I've fully grieved, I mean it encompassed my life and every thought for years!  But that does NOT mean we are ever DONE grieving.  As long as we have breath, we continue to miss them.  At least I will my George.  We were joined at the heart, we were everything to each other, we understood each other, like no one ever had before, that's not something I can just replace or find!  It was amazing I ever found him or him me, to start with!  If everyone were to have a soulmate like that this world would be truly blessed, but many never meet that person ever in their life, so to expect to find another like that is out of my thinking.

I didn't mean to imply that you were avoiding grief by dating Andy, only that is something for you to ask yourself and make sure of.  There was someone on another grief forum once that lost his fiance when he was young.  Fast forward 20 years, he's married, has kids, and all of a sudden his grief is hitting him like there's no tomorrow!  He was quite taken back with this, didn't know what to think, so he came to our forum.  He had pushed aside his grief and it finally found him.  That's why I mention to make sure you take time to grieve, even alongside this relationship.  Allow yourself to think about Michael, even if it's painful.  It's good that you have someone who is understanding about that, sometimes partners are not.  

I would think it'd be harder to address with Micahel's mom the longer you avoid it...just letting her know that his friend has been there for you and you're beginning to develop feelings that surprise you, it will prepare her for inevitably finding out, better from you directly than through hearsay.  I know it's awkward.

[DB2]

 Once again Thank you Kayc for your messages it really helps!!!❤

12 hours ago, KayC said:

"We can and need to process our grief, I feel I've fully grieved, I mean it encompassed my life and every thought for years!  But that does NOT mean we are ever DONE grieving."

I partially agree with what you are saying here but how are you fully greived out when you are not DONE grieving. Do you mean for the time being your done grieving? That we remorse lightly? That we've reconciled with the facts? If that's the case than yes for the time being i understand and i know. And I love him. Sorry I'm trying to understand this as best I can. 

Yes I agree with the mother situation. I just hope I can properly adress the situation.

[KayC]

Processing our grief does not mean we ever have an ending to our grief.  Try not to be caught up on semantics, perhaps I'm not putting this in a way you can understand.  I have mulled over, learned about, dealt with my grief, I've seen a grief counselor, even lead a grief support group, have journaled, done art therapy, fully recognized and attended my grief.  I've cried buckets of tears to the point where I think I'm cried out.  It's been over 13 years.  I did not avoid my grief, lose myself in busy-ness to skirt my way around it.  That's what I mean, I've processed my grief.  I think about him each and every day of my life, I miss him on a daily basis, so in that sense, I'm never "done" with it, I will continue to miss him the rest of my life.

I would not say I'm fully grieved out, that is not a term I would use or apply.  I've PROCESSED my grief, that's all I said, all I meant. And it took me years to do so.  And it took me more years to find purpose and more years yet to build a life I can live.  No, we're never "done" with our grief, it has a beginning, but not an ending.

"Remorse lightly?"  Hardly!  That is also not a term I would use or apply.

14 hours ago, DB2 said:

That we've reconciled with the facts?

That does not mean we have to be okay with them or like them, only that we recognize that this is what has happened and this is our life now.  
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
http://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/03/bereavement-doing-work-of-grief.html

[KayC]

14 hours ago, DB2 said:

how are you fully greived out when you are not DONE grieving.

I can fully grieve but not be done with grief.

You can fully swim but not be done swimming.  

You can fully eat but not be done with eating.

One does not imply the other.