27 years young,widowed and expecting our second baby

[Surviving24]

My husband pass away 21th of September 2018, i was 6months pregnant, am still expecting our baby, he will be our second child, we have a 3year old girl, am 27, he was only 39 when he pass, life as not been same since then, we have been together for 7years and married for 5years, he was an heroin addict, but has been clean for 13month before the day he pass.

He had a small surgery to remove his opioid blocker implant, and he has come back home feeling all good and ok after the surgery, but apperently he try to takeone more time this day, since he does not have a blocker anymore, he was tempted, he try to take again and he obviously does not have tolerances for this deadly drug anymore, he die of accidental overdose.

Everything was going perfecting in our life before this happen, we were excited about a lot of things,he has no reason to want to get high, but i believe his demon as finally overcome him, he was a great guy, the love of my life, an excellent father, and he was very close to our daughter, they were best friends.

I am so scared about the future and raising 2kids all by my self,am scared our daughter will start forgetting who he was soon, am testify our son will never get to meet his dad, i feel so lost and alone, not sure any one my age as gone thought something so tragic, I most times think God as taken him cause he does not want me to suffer my whole life worring about his addiction, cause i was always worried, but what ever the case is, it just too soon, am too young for all this struggle.

Please i will like to know if thereis anyone in this forum with similar situations, cause  it feels like nobody has been there or understand me.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your young loss, and here you are expecting your second child, I pray your children will be a great blessing for you in your life.  My father died when I was 29 and expecting my first child, and even though they didn't get to meet him, I tried to help them know him by telling them stories about him, pictures, telling him how proud he'd be of them, what traits they got from him, etc.  I hope as you raise your children, in doing the same, it will help them come to know him...I know, not the same, but at least he won't be a total question mark to them.

There are others here who have gone through such tragedy so young, I hope they will respond to you, not everyone stays on here, usually for a while though.

My husband died of a heart attack.  He told me three weeks before he died that his boss had turned him on to Meth to make him work harder/faster.  He was already working beyond his limits.  It was a lot to take in, but he was in treatment, unfortunately he died of heart attack...I've wondered the same thing also if his death was to spare me worse?  I do believe he would have overcome, I know his resolve was high.  The heart surgeon said it hadn't contributed to his death, but I wonder if he just told me that to set my mind at ease because it does thin the lining of the heart.  I guess I'll never know for sure, but I've accepted that it happened, that's all we can do, can't change it at this point.

I wrote this article last year based on what I've learned on my journey (it's been 13 years now) and I hope you'll print it out and read it every few months...the journey evolves and changes so different things will stand out to you at different points along the way.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Surviving24]

Thank you  @KayC for your reply, i have been coming back every hour to see if someone will respond to me, i really appriciate your respond, 

The doctor told us similar story, he said he had die of heart attack and that the drug test was negative, but i found his drugs next to him in a socks on the floor where he had passed out, and the way he had turn blue make it obvious what has happened 

Some times i feel i shouldn't have leave him alone when i know there is high probability of him getting tempted and wanting to try, so i blame my self for him, sometime i feel so angry at him for not trying to fight this demon enough, I feel so angry that with all we have going on in our life and all the progress he will dare to try to take drugs and take us all the way back again.

The stigma that comes with addiction is so high that i can't discuss the truth of how he died with my friends or family, so it feel like am in this alone, not been able to talk about his battle with addiction before he pass away, having to carry all that burden by my self, feeling i rather not say it to protect our kids from finding out later in the future how their father as choose heroin over us as a family, my grieves are much more complicated than normal.

But i have read your tips and i will try to put them into practice

Thanks.

[Jamiei]

I am so very sorry for your lose! I can’t imagine what you are going through. I totally understand your anger and the need to hide all the details from your family! I hope you don’t feel responsible though, drug addiction is a horrible disease and I’m sure your husband fought his demons as best he could. My thoughts are with you!

[KayC]

Try to go by what the doctor said, it's the official record, it'll be easier for your kids...and also make sure they know to get their hearts checked when they're adults with this in their genes.  One of my husband's last wishes was for me to get a stress test and I did, the administrator said she wished she had me for a walking partner!  My dad started having major heart attacks at 45 so I'm careful to be under a doctor's care and so far (I'm 66 now) I haven't had one.

Drugs may or may not have contributed but we can't know for sure if the doctors say not.  We do know their hearts didn't last.