So lost!

[Bairlyhangingon]

My husband died October 5 on his motorcycle! Got called at work to come home around 730am and seen our two friends standing in my driveway I just knew! He was 36 years old we have two kids and been together for 20 years! I am so lost without him everyone says take it day by day but I feel I get worse each day

[ModKatB]

21 minutes ago, Bairlyhangingon said:

My husband died October 5 on his motorcycle! Got called at work to come home around 730am and seen our two friends standing in my driveway I just knew! He was 36 years old we have two kids and been together for 20 years! I am so lost without him everyone says take it day by day but I feel I get worse each day

I am so sorry for your loss. This is something none of us is ever prepared to deal with and it can seem like there is no way to ever stop the pain. I lost my husband in Feb of this year and we had been married for 21 years. For me one of the things I do to try and be able to deal with all of this is to write and I am adding something I wrote recently. I know that none of us want to be here but it lets you know that you are not alone and there are many of us taking the same journey of losing a loved one.

The process of grief has no right or wrong way and no particular

order you need to go thru. It is a daily if not hourly journey that we

all have to go thru to get to the other side. I know for me it seems like

I am never going to be able to breathe again. There are so many feelings

all the time, love, hate, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression. Then there

are all the questions of why now? why them? how do I go on?

Everyone says it will get better and I know it will but right now it takes

all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I keep hoping that I

will be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine soon and have it be

where I can make it thru to where I want to live again. KB

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[Bairlyhangingon]

I did start writing a journal but lately I don't have the energy for that either! I read a little about afterlife and how to grieve ! My mornings and nights are the worse  I feel like those were are times together since during the days we were both busy with work but I miss even the simplest things like the good morning texts that say I love you! I still don't want to believe I can't see him again or have him hug me one more time! I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone ! I'm so empty and lonely and I'm trying to be here for my 13 and 18 year old but I don't know how to be here for them when I am such a mess

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  My husband was barely 51 when he died, we didn't meet until our mid forties, we thought we'd grow old together.  Are you getting grief counseling?

I wrote this article of what I've learned in the years since, what has helped me, I hope you print it out and read it every few months as our grief journey evolves and different things will stand out to you at different points of your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.