todays the hardest day of the year AGAIN!!!

[i miss my mom]

OK SO IM BACK.. AGAIN!!! I ALREADY WROTE ONE POST TODAY BUT IT FELT SO GOOD TO JUST TALK ABOUT HER.. ISNT THAT WHAT THIS GROUP IS ALL ABOUT? MAYBE IM WRONG IDK.. IM BRAND NEW TO THIS GROUP..  I JUST KNOW IT FELT GOOD TODAY SO I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.. AND AGAIN.. AND AGAIN.. IVE BEEN KEEPING IT ALL IN FOR 6 LONG YEARS.. HURTS TOO BAD TO THINK ABOUT, MOST LESS TALK ABOUT.. I REALLY DONT THINK I HAVE EVEN REALLY GREIVED FOR HER. HELL OF A LOT EASIER TO BLOCK IT OUT AND IGNORE ITINSTEAD OF EXCEPTING IT AND DEALING WITH IT.. BUT IREALLY THINK ITS TIME TO FACE IT HEAD ON.. DAMNIT MY SWEET MAMA IS REALLY GONE AND NEVER COMING BACK..  ILL NEVER HEAR HER VOICE AGAIN OR LAUGH AND SING WITH HER WHILE WE IN THE CAR.. OR EVEN DANCE AND SING AROUND THE HOUSE WITH HER WHEN I COME OVER TO HELP HER CLEAN THAT BIG OLD PRETTY HOUSE SHE HAD.. DAMN WE HAD SOME FUN TIMES..TOGETHER.. FOREVER.. NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU ARE AWAY.. YEA I MIGHT NOT BE MAKING MUCH SINCE TO ANYONE BUT ITS CLEAR TO ME.. SHE IS GONE AND ITS TIME TO DEAL WITH IT.. AND EVERYTHING ELSE GOING WRONG TODAY ON TOP OF IT ALL.. CAN I GET A BREAK SOMEWHERE TODAY PLEASE.. OK SO IVE CRIED MORE TODAY OVER MY MOM THAN I HAVE SINCE SHE PASSED 6 YEARS AGO..  CRAZY RIGHT? YEA I KNOW!! MY SISTER CALLED ME TODAY JUST AS SHE DOES EVERY YEAR ON THIS DAY ASKING HOW I WAS HOLDING UP.. I THINK I BLEW HER MIND BC I ACTUALLY BROKE DOWN AND CRIED FOR THE FIRST TIME TO HER OVER OUER MOM.. SHE WAS SPEECHLESS SO I JUST SIT THERE AND CRIED WHILE SHE LISTENED.  FUNNY BC IVE DONE THAT FOR HER FOR 6 YRS.... OH **** IM GONNA BLOW YALLS MIND WITH THE REST OF MY STORY.. BUT IF YOU WANT TO STOP NOW I UNDERSTAND.. REALLY I FEEL LIKE IM IN INFORMATION OVERLOAD, MEMORY OVERLOAD IF YOU WISH.. IM SORRY IF THIS TIPE OF POST IS NOT ALOWED.. LIKE I SAID IM NEW, THIS IS MY SECOND POST.. HOPEFULLY NOT MY LAST.. BC IDK WHAT IT IS BUT IM READY TO OPEN UP.. IM READY TO DEAL WITH THIS **** AND GET IT OUT.. I GUESS THATS WHAT IM DOING BC IM JUST PUTTING MY CRAZY THOUGHTS IN BLACK AND WHITE.. AND TELLING YOU THINGS IVE NEVER TOLD BEFORE... BUT CHECK THIS OUT I LIVE 5 HOURS AWAY FROM MY MOMS GRAVE SO I HAVENT BEEN THERE SINCE DEC 10TH OF LAST YEAR WHEN I GOT OUT OF PRISON.. MY HUSBAND JUST CALLED ME AND TOLD ME TO PACK MY BAGS HES TAKING ME TO SEE MY MAMA... OMG GOTTA PACK MY BAGS.. BUT IM COMING BACK GUYS IF YOU DONT MIND.. IF I DONT HELP ANYONE ELSE ITS OK IM DOING THIS FOR ME...

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Keep writing, keep sharing, keep feeling. It’s the only way to get it out and become unblocked. 12 yrs ago when my first brother died, I held it in for years and then it came out im explosive ways. I was destructive and made bad choices. Once I got help after alienating everyone, I started to get better. Thank god I did because I just lost another brother and my mom in this last year. I am now determined to not keep my feelings in. I won’t hold them in to make others more comfortable. Drive safely and I hope the visit brings you peace and starts a path forward for you that helps you to get whatever you need to grieve. You’re exactly where you need to be in this moment. Try and remember that. Grief is not a straight line.

[i miss my mom]

thank you.. I'm here in my home town but it don't feel like home no more with my mom not here. I hate coming back here.. never fails I always see someone who knew my mom and they always tell me again how sorry they are.. well you know what? I don't need nobody to feel sorry for me. they will never love her like I did. I wish people would just forget she put that gun to her head.. our family is well off so lots and lots of people knew our family,, everyone loved and remembered my mom so when she shot herself it was all over town. nobody could understand why she did what she did.. but only if they knew I believe I had a huge part in it.. I was a crack addict for 18 years and it killed my mom to watch me.. she would beg me to come home with her. she would buy me dope to take home just so she knew I was safe and at home with her.. she was the best mom in the world.. she never ever turned her back on me no matter what I did..damnit I miss that sweet woman.. I just want to say I'm sorry just one more time.. god why did she do this and why does it got to hurt so bad...