todays the hardest day of the year

[i miss my mom]

today makes 6 yrs since my sweet mom took her own life. I hate November 2nd of every year and probably will for the rest of my life.. truly its the hardest day of the whole year from me. I wonder every year if its hard for my sister and brother like it is for me. it never gets easier no matter how much time goes by. the only way I can describe my feelings is one word.. misery... I miss her so damn much. I block her out as much as I can bc it hurts too bad to even think of our memories together.. its like it never fails as soon as I think about anything good about her that physical pain of loss always follows so its easier to just not think about her at all... is that bad? am I being selfish? I am right? I'm thinking about my own feelings instead of thinking about her.. .well you know what? oh well.. she wasn't thinking how I was going to feel when she put that damn gun to her head and pulled the trigger. yes I'm angry.. I'm damn angry. maybe I'm being stubborn and selfish.. but I cant figure out how to stop being mad at her..i miss her so much but if she was here I would just have to tell her about her self..lol  wow how I wish I had just one more chance to talk to her.. just tell her I love her one more time..just to smell her smell one ,more time. she always smelled of white diamonds perfume.. I have 3 bottles in my cabinet but cant bring myself to even take the cap off the top.. I know if I smell it I'm just gonna hurt again. seems like everything about her makes me hurt these days. but I know its there  when I'm ready to open it again.. I have a whole storage unit full of all her things from her house but again... I'm not ready to deal with it all. its been 6 yrs today and ive never opened the storage door since we put it in there.. sad I know but hey I deal with her death the best way for me..anyways just needed to talk about her a little today...

[reader]

Dear I miss my mom,

Thinking of you and your family on this difficult day.

All your feelings are understandable. It is a struggle to understand all the things that happen in life. And we all have to grieve and mourn in our own way. When you are ready is when you'll be ready to smell the perfume or open the storage unit.

Thank you for sharing your feelings and experience with us.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear I miss my mom,

Sending you a lot if love. Grief, life and loss are so confusing and painful. I lost my mom and two brothers in traumatic ways. I’m coming up on the anniversary of my brothers birthday and death. I’m about to turn 40 and I found my brother dead last year the night before my birthday. I get angry at him for a lot of things. I feel like I wouldn’t have lost my mom if she didn’t suffer from all the stress and worry that he caused. None of it makes me love him any less. I just get angry and so deeply sad. I also get upset with her for protecting him, lying for him and putting him before everyone else. Grief makes me feel so crazy and angry sometimes. I just had a bunch of people cancel on me tomorrow for an event in memoriam of my mother. Just like everything else, I’ll go it alone. Sorry to write all that. I just feel like this is the place we all can share our struggles and know we’re not alone with what we’re feeling. I’m sorry for your hurt, your loss and the way it happened. I often say, when people try and push me forward before I’m ready, or minimize my grief...that I’m exactly how I need to be and feeling what I need to feel. I think what you feel is natural and there isn’t anything wrong with it. You need to feel how you feel until it transforms in to something else. For me, a circling emotion means I haven’t fully processed something yet and that I have more work to do with healing, sometimes forgiveness and knowing I may never understand why things happened the way that they did. But that’s just me. None of should ever judge or tell another person how to feel. I think that you are brave and I appreciate you sharing your story and feelings with us. 

Hugs to you,

Nicole

[i miss my mom]

thank you for reading my post.. I love this group.. I'm brand new but I got a long road ahead of me dealing with this greif I'm going thru but I'm ready. I need friends along the way if you don't mind.. I still have so much to say..

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I miss my mom,

We are here for you. A handful of people ended up showing up for me today for the dedication to my mother. I was so grateful. The flower show for her was beautiful and my mom would have loved it. I of course cried and that’s ok. I wish I would have done it for her when she was alive. I imagined her voice and pictures her smile. I was glad that I went through with it. It felt good celebrating her. I will continue to do things like that because it makes me feel connected in a positive way which is something I haven’t felt in months. There were a lot of mum flowers which I found fitting because it was for my Mumma. It gave me hope that there is kindness in others thaf I can recieve if I can bring in the courage to get out there in the world little by little. Sending you warm thoughts. 

[i miss my mom]

honestly I'm so happy people showed up. I know it sucks to feel alone.. ive felt that way for 6 long years. .when did you say your mom passed?  my mom loved flowers as well. but she loves yellow roses and them rose of Sharon bushes. she had rolls of them lining her back yard.. whats funny is her name was Sharon and roses were her favorite.. funny right? well its only 5 30 in the morning. I cant sleep so I decided to write awhile.. its dark in here I can hardly see but I'm determined..im going to see my mom again today.. first thing this morning actually.. then to see my dads grave after that. I still have to go see my sister and ive decided to open moms storage before I go and just grab a few things to take home with me.. you said do it little by little right? I gotta start somewhere.. I'm so thankful I have my husband Robert.. he is a good man.. he works in the oilfield.. he is only home 6 days out of the whole month.. he works 16 hour shifts 15 days straight then comes home for 6 days.. lol he makes stupid money too girl.. really good money.. but that's not it at all.. he actually loves me.. I haven't felt like very many people have really loved me my whole life.. ya know.. but I know he does.. but ive been bad to him.. I don't deserve him.. ive cheated on him several times in the last 5 years we been together.. he keeps forgiving me and forgiving me.. but I'm afraid he is about to leave me. my 23 yr old son lives with us and he wont work for nothing.. I actually kicked him out of my car when we got into town.. its a long story and I don't have time for it now bc I gota start getting ready.. we have a full day planned today and we still have to head home and drive that looong drive.. please keep sharing your story with me.. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Glad you’re going again and that you’ll visit your dads. She passed on July 18th, 2017. Feels like it was yesterday. She was my everything. Literally. My mom loved roses. The yellow ones are beautiful. My moms name is Mary. She was a sweet, gentle soul that had been put through so much. Even after all of the terrible surgeries, sickness and two sons, she wanted to live. It was the most heart wrenching things I ever had to do during those months and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her she wasn’t going to make it. I saw all the medical info and knew. My grandma had a huge garden of every kind of rose you could imagine when she was alive. My mom carried that on. I pressed a bunch of flowers from her yard in books as keepsakes. They turned out ok. Not sure what I’ll do with them, but I think it was just that I needed an action of doing something. As I usually can’t do anything but lay around and stare at the wall or cry. I can’t go through most of her personal things yet. I wear some of her clothes. I’ll have to go through her stuff soon though because the state is taking her house. They’re putting a highway through where the house is! Hung the note about it on her door the day she passed if you can believe it!  Life is hard and crazy. Yes, do things little by little or you’ll lose your mind. I picked out my moms grave stone alone, my brothers stone alone and my dad can’t even talk about it her or my brothers. He’s so devastated and sad and then gets super angry. The only brother I have left doesn’t get involved in any of it and it baffles me. I wonder what the hell he’s thinking and why he doesn’t do more. I guess everyone handles/ or doesn’t handle things, differently. I’m devastated too, but I have to do these things because it’s what’s right. It’s not easy going to the grave. But the ritual of paying respect and exuding love or whatever you’re feeling is so important I think. Learning to forgive has been one of my biggest life lessons and I tell myself to do so repeatedly. Your husband does sound like a good man. An understanding forgiving man. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Having him gone that much can’t be easy and we all need affection and love. Forgive yourself if you haven’t. We all deserve another chance. You are lovable and deserving of love. Remember that. 

Sometimes the things we do are symptomatic of all the hurt we have inside and we end up making choices we otherwise wouldn’t and that’s ok. I’m sorry that your son won’t work. Wonder if it’s depression stopping him, or not being sure of what he wants to do with his life because of his age. But yes, you have things you need to do and if he or others can’t get on board (especially in a time crunch), you have to do whatever you need to do. I hope he shapes up. That’s stressful for you. Wishing you some good days ahead friend.

Nicole

[i miss my mom]

sorry I haven't been on here.. honestly just like always I'm trying to push her to the back of my mind and stay busy doing something else.. well I got moved into my new house but haven't even begun to put stuff up.. my husband left yesterday to go back to work for 15 days.. I really hate to see him go.. I miss him so much while he is gone.. my son got a job.. I'm so proud of him.. me and my husband are going back to north texas for thanksgiving but my son is gonna stay here and work. I'm also proud of him for that.. I know he wants to o see my moms grave bc he did not get to while I was there last weekend bc of us getting into it.. but he is gonna stay and work instead. I hate the thought of him not having thanksgiving dinner with nobody. he will be here at home by himself. that breaks my heart. I don't want him to be alone for the holiday but idk what to do bc I was on his case so hard about getting a job. I guess ill tell him its up to him either way. whatever he wants to do is ok with me... but I just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm still here..                                                                                                                                                                                                                kristil 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Congrats in moving in to your new place. I always take my time once I’m in a new space with decorating and unpacking as it can be stressful. But that is an accomplishment! I’m also so glad that your son was able to get a job! That’s amazing! There were a couple years when I was younger that I spent Thanksgiving with friends and maybe he will be able to do that. Never worry about having to pop on here and answer messages straight away. I log in sometimes for a week straight and then not for weeks. I understand needing to take a break and try and get your mind off of everything. I went out with friends tonigh to try and get my mind off of the shooting in a Thousand Oaks, CA. My friend lost his niece in the shooting. The world is so unpredictable. It reminds us to really take each moment we can and express our love. I have no idea what we are doing for Thanksgiving. My mom and I always cooked it together and this will be the first without her. I may take this Thanksgiving off. It’s just too much with not hearing back from my brother that week too. My friends want to celebrate my birthday, but I found him the night before it (as I said in earlier posts), so I don’t feel up for that either. The last couples days I’ve been filled with emotion, but doing ok tonight and so I’ll take it. I’m happy to hear your good news and sending more good vibes your way!

[i miss my mom]

my husband accidently took my laptop charger to work with him and he wont be back till the 21st so ive been keeping it off but once I get it charged I have more I want to tell you about my mom.. please check for my message on thanksgiving if u get a chance.. 

[mariesgirl1953]

Thinking of u hun xx