Am I just in denial?

[Rosepearl]

My dad passed away almost 2 years ago but apart from the initial few weeks I've not cried or been particularly sad about his death.

My dad was ill for most of my life (I am 40 in a few weeks) he had a brain haemorrhage followed by 2 further strokes when I was a baby, diagnosed with MS when I was 8, had cancer when 19, then was diagnosed with dementia when I was 33 then finally the cancer returned when I was 37. He had a tough life but bore it all in his inimitable laid back, happy, laughing style. I adored him, I was a Daddy's girl and he was always the first person I'd go to with my problems. My husband had an affair a few months after he died and it was so hard not having him there to talk to about it, although I knew him so well I always knew what his advice would have been anyway.

But I don't wish he was still here. The cancer took him quickly, he didn't want any treatment, even with the dementia he was lucid enough to know he'd had as much as any person could take. I was there with him when the GP asked him about a DNR and I've never seen him so sure about anything in my life.

I strongly feel we were lucky that we lost him when his dementia hadn't reached a point that he didn't know who we were any more. To me, that would have been a more painful thing to experience than his death. Also, I was with him when he passed away, and it was the most peaceful moment, in a room full of love. I have lost several family members in the last few years so I am well aware that this is not the way it often is. 

My mum just can't cope. He had been in a care home the last 2.5 years of his life so she's used to living alone, but she still has huge crying fits daily. I wish I could help her come to terms with it. He was only 64 when he passed away so she feels cheated.

Will this all just hit me one day? I am still fighting for my marriage so I don't know if I have been distracted by my husband's selfish actions ever since or is it normal in these circumstances to be happy he's finally at peace?

Xx

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Rosepearl,

You are a good person and good daughter. Your dad was a warrior to go through all that and still be able to laugh, share and love as he did. And you, are very strong and loving. You knew what he needed and wanted for himself in those last moments and supported him in it. It doesn’t sound to me like denial. It sounds to me like you loved him more than words could ever express and that you accepted the inevitable and choose to feel in your heart and soul, that he is at peace and so therefore you have peace with it. Different feelings may surface after whatever ever outcome happens with your relationship, but I think your right to stay focused on what’s in front of you and what you want (fighting for your marriage or not fighting for it). 

I did that with my mom. I did not want to let her go, but knew that’s what she needed and that it was going to happen and so I set my feelings and emotions to the side and supported her in every way. I was with her everyday taking care of her as best I could and had to make my dad realize that she wanted the DNR (he wasn’t able to process what was happening and we were all worried he was going to put her through things and prolong her suffering). I was blessed to hold her for hours as she was passing and watch the rise and fall of her last breaths. Play her her favorite songs and hold her, brushing her hair back and giving her kisses and the sense of touch. Full circle. It’s painful for me every day...but I know a lot of people don’t get the opportunity to help their parents cross over or be with them and I was blessed to have that. To have her. 

I’m sorry your husband had an affair. Especially while your grieving your biggest loss. That’s hurtful, confusing and so hard. That happened to me with my partner of 7yrs when I was grieving the loss of my first brother. I am no longer with him and have forgiven his actions because time has passed. Holding on to resentment would have been weighing myself down more. I also realized quickly that he couldn't help me with my grief. He didn’t have it in him, he djdn’t have the tools and he didn’t understand. He was missing integrity and had a character defect. Not everyone is like that. I don’t know your husband or life, but if you can forgive and he is working on himself then you guys will get back on track. I had to help myself and be with others who could relate and that’s what I did when I left my partner. It put me on track and a path to healing. I was glad about the choice I made because losing my first brother was not even close to the losses and hardship that I’ve had since and he wouldn’t have been the right person to support me in those other losses. Praying that that situation works out for you in whatever way is best for you. I know a lot of people who have fought for their marriages and are happy that they did and I’m happy for them. Everything is so individual and only you know what you need. 

I empathize with you regarding your mother. I have been with my father since my mom’s passing and he is a chaotic mess. Understandably so. I try to do things for him and nothing seems to help. He has to find his own way, but I worry about him constantly. He’s not used to being alone. They were together since she was 15yrs okd and he was 17. Over 50yrs together. 

I know thag we don’t get to keep people forever, but it doesn’t make the loss hurt any less. I’ll pray for you, your mom and your family. Take things day by day. That’s what I do and the only way I know how. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[Reenie]

Streaming the light...I have the same situation. My parents were together 54 years. My dad just celebrated his 82nd birthday on Sunday. He told my brothers and I that he wished that this is his last. He even went to the cemetery to ask them to get his plot ready. I just can't. I don't know ow how to help him. I don't know how to stop crying. I didn't even cry this much the week she passed.    

[Nicole-my grief journey]

8 minutes ago, Reenie said:

Streaming the light...I have the same situation. My parents were together 54 years. My dad just celebrated his 82nd birthday on Sunday. He told my brothers and I that he wished that this is his last. He even went to the cemetery to ask them to get his plot ready. I just can't. I don't know ow how to help him. I don't know how to stop crying. I didn't even cry this much the week she passed.    

Reenie,

That is so painful. My dad has said things to me. Like he wishes it were him, he doesn’t want to go on and worse things that I can’t even respeak. I wish I knew how to make suggestions to help your dad and you. I’m thinking of you. Your family’s in my heart. I’ve been having hysterical fits of crying and feeling paralyzed with my grief all day today. I’m nauseous, I’m broken. It’s like I’m reliving it all over again today. Everything we went through. The details fresh in my mind, right in front of me as if I were actually still there. Usually I can feel my feelings and bring myself back to just the deep sadness and being able to function somewhat, or take an action to pull myself up a little, by putting myself in the shower, or sitting in her living room thinking about what a blessing she was to me. But today, I’m so much worse than I’ve been since she passed. I’m clutching her fleece that I would cover her in and I can’t stop thinking about holding her, touching her hair and not wanting her to leave this world. Her soft skin and how gentle she was. I found myself wailing into a pillow for hours earlier and repeating I just want my mom over and over again. I’m hoping that I’m finally exhausted enough to sleep and that because I have an appointment tomorrow that I will have to function. We always prepped for Thanksgiving tomorrow togther. It was our favorite. I miss our talks and general conversation. The way she would look at me and say my name. Her voice, her love, her understanding. 

Hugs and so much more,

Nicole