Missing the hospital

[DElfanty]

I may be the only one who feels this way. I lost my dad in April of this year. He suffered heart failure his entire life. He made it to 74, but was sick his entire life. I grew up in two hospitals basically. The hospital he was in and out of for the first 31 years of MY life. And the hospital he switched to and was in and out of every 3 weeks for long inpatient stays for the last year of his life. The second hospital, Memorial Hermann in the Houston Medical Center, I became very familiar with in a short period of time. The first hospital, St. Luke's, I practically grew up in. My point is, as much as I miss my dad, I also miss the hospital. I grew very attached to it. I tried to visit once in August and revisited my dad's floor and cardiac wing, and of course I left there in tears. But I have been needing to feel close to my dad badly lately. I want to visit the hospital he died in again. In a strange way, I feel like it gives me comfort. Driving down the freeways and streets I drove everyday for a year to visit him. Parking in the garage. The cafeteria. The park surrounding the hospital. It all has a very sacred place in my heart. Am I crazy for missing the hospital as much as I miss my dad? I think I want to go visit today, and of course I know it's different because he's not there. I was aware of that last time and it devastated me. But I can't sit still. I'm losing certain memories and that is my biggest fear. 

[reader]

Dear DElfanty,

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. And your feelings about the hospital are understandable. We all need to find a way to feel closer to our loved ones. It can be a hospital, a piece of clothing, a cup of coffee, a poem...anything. As long as it gives you comfort and peace and a sense of connection, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Grief is hard enough. We all need to do what is right ourselves.

Please know we are with you and thinking of you.

[Gem 27]

Hello DElfanty,

I can so relate to your post. I was the one who brought my Dad to all of his doctor appointments, and there were many!

It was me, him, and my mom, spending so many hours in waiting rooms for consults, exams and procedures, etc. We actually had so many good talks while we waited...my dad told stories and joked with the staff. When he died, I really felt the loss of that time together, I still do.

I'd give anything to be back in a waiting room with him right now, so I think I do understand a little bit how you're feeling. I don't think it's strange at all.

[nuvar]

have u tried to see if you can work or do volunteer work for the hospital? like helping out with patients' families?

everyone has different ways to cope

[Nicole-my grief journey]

DEIfanty,

No, I don’t think you’re crazy at all for feeling the way you do and doing what you’re doing. I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s so life altering as a lot of us whi have and are going through it know.

I feel that way about the hospitals my mother was in and I miss the doctors and nurses. The room she was in. All of it. I also feel a pull to them. I haven’t gone back to them yet, but I know that I will and it will be okay to stand there and cry and grieve. I lost my brother too last November. I found him dead in his apartment. His apt. was en route to the hospital. I often would pull over and stand outside of it crying. I couldn’t stop the feeling like I was magnetically being drawn to that spot. So, I went many times and will go again as many times as I need to. It’s a way for me to process my trauma and not avoid it. To face it head on. I also talk to my therapist about it to make sure it’s not unhealthy for me to do so. If you have a therapist you should check in with them about it. I think as long as it brings you release it’s ok. But if it seems to make things worse, then I would say it’s time to rethink it. Have you thought about volunteering there at the hospital? Maybe that would be a way to transform your grief, honor your parent and help others and yourself in the process. I think about doing that. We learned so much by being there with our parents and can share our stories with other families goig through things, advocate for patients and help others by lending an ear. Sending you love and prayers.

nicole