Passing Tom on

[adventure]

Tom's been gone almost 5 months. I can't breathe. I cry every morning and every night and if I'm home I cry in between. I'm running away from his death by running into work. I need that distraction. I work five 12 hour days a week. Usually in a row so that I'm so exhausted when I get home I just fall into bed. Then I take one day off to physically recuperate. Two days off gives me time to feel him not here at home. 

Ths is my second dead husband. All I learned the first time was that it's unbearable and 13 years after Tor died I was still crying for him despite building a life afterwards. I'm lost how to deal with two dead husbands. All I want is Tom. What does that say about my love for Tor, and that I can't feel love for Tor, my first husband? How can I be so heartless towards Tor? What's wrong with me? These are some of the thoughts and feelings that make me just turn to work.

One day at work another nurse mentioned one of the patients was homeless and needed clothes and shoes. I hadn't opened Tom's dresser drawers since I did the last of his dirty laundry right after he passed. But I knew now was the time. Going through his clothes brought tears and memories. I didn't want to part with anything. How could I be so possessive of shorts and tee shirts?

I teased Tom many times about his "uniform". He always wore the same thing everyday. White pocket tee shirt and blue shorts. Flip flops. The pocket was home for his reader glasses. He said that's all he needs for living in Florida and he didn't want to think about clothes. 

The pile got big and I knew there was too much to carry. So I pulled out Tom's suitcase. More tears and memories. I filled that suitcase. New sneakers he didn't wear yet. A pair of flip flops. A sweatshirt and 2 pair of jeans. A polo shirt, socks and shorts. And of course pocket tees!!

Reggie cried when he received that stuffed bag. He said, "I got new stuff."  I included new packages of tee shirts. He said, "I have underwear. I didn't have any when I came in." Underwear....this man didn't have underwear. Then I cried. 

Tom said many many times he wanted to give back. I knew he would be overjoyed that his "uniform" was passed on. Reggie's smile says it all. 

[Spengler]

It's a touching story. Your husband knows that his clothes and earthly possessions are helping those in need. And he approves.

 

I donated 7 cartons of my wife's clothes to the Salvation Army. She had a great big heart and always wanted to help others. In a way, she's still helping others.

[KayC]

I donated my husband's clothes, shoes, to Sponsors...they help men getting out of prison, they have nothing but the clothes on their backs.  George always cared about the down-and-out-ers, I knew that's where he'd want it to go.  That's where I requested donations go at his funeral.  I just knew.  He always cared about the homeless, etc.

What you did was a beautiful thing and Reggie's smile says it all!

You've lost two husbands.  You lament that you only miss Tom, but no one told you how to do this when you lost your first husband, you were probably at a loss how to go on, and when you met Tom, it filled your present moment, and continued until his death.  Now grief is staring you in the face again and you're feeling those things again.  It's hard, hard enough to do once, very hard to be hit twice.  For everyone that remarries we know half of them will face that again.  And that's a hard thought. My heart goes out to you.  But here you are, thinking of someone else, even in the middle of your immense pain, and that says a lot about you and who you are.  (((hugs)))

 

[KayC]

56 minutes ago, Spengler said:

I donated 7 cartons of my wife's clothes to the Salvation Army. She had a great big heart and always wanted to help others. In a way, she's still helping others.

And you too, you're doing the same.  We who carry on their wishes.