Adoption, sad and confused

[Summer101]

Hi, I'm not really sure what to post here (first time) but lately I have been very confused and sad.  I was adopted and have been coping with the loss of my birth mother (I don't know anything about). I was very little when I was adopted so I have no memories of anything.  A couple times a year I feel this horrible loss, but I cant put words too.  I get very sad when I see families together because I am missing the genetic connection.  The worst part of it (my therapist calls grief) is when I have this deep sadness in me that I can't put words too.  I feel this deep horrible feeling in my body like something is missing and something died.  It's like something is tearing in me and I have lost something but I don't know what I lost.  But I can't put words to and it is very frustrating.  The deep sadness has been coming up lately at the most inconvenient times at work and school.  I have been crying off and on a lot lately.  I catch myself at work looking at faces and wondering what their heritage is and wondering if we are somehow related.  It's a very lonely feeling.   At times I can barely breath and I just feel this horrible sadness and I can barely get through each minute.  I walk around carrying this loss that nobody sees or I feel like it's not okay to experience.  Other times it's a dull ache, a longing to know my birth mother.

I guess I am posting on here because I could use some coping strategies for this grief.  I have tried lighting a candle, or going to a place in nature but I end up judging my self because I can't even remember the loss and losing my birth mother.  Then, I feel ashamed for feeling the pain and push it aside because I cant even remember the loss.  I feel like it's not right for me to be feeling this loss.  Or since there was no funeral, or not recognizing as a death it's wrong for me to be trying to cope with it. Then I shut it down but I end up crying all over again at the worst of times.  But lately, it has been coming up and I can't keep ignoring it. 

So does anyone have any suggestions for ways to cope, or a grieving ritual to do that could help me organize this sadness a little. 

I feel silly for posting here, but some suggestions could really help. It's a very isolating and lonely feeling. Much appreciated.

[reader]

Dear Summer101,

Please know how you are feeling is natural and normal. Grief is hard for all us and it makes us feel unsettled. I think many of us struggle to know what is the best way to cope. Its been said there is no right way or wrong way. Its a lot of trial and error and we have to keep on trying the best we can. I hope these websites can offer you some support and guidance.

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief in Common

Tiny Buddha

Grief Recovery Method

GriefShare

We are all with you. Feel free to write as much as you want and continue to share with us.