Members GlobalNomad Posted October 12, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2018 My dad's just been taken by prostate cancer. I've gotten comments that it's supposed to be "curable" but yet his invaded his bones and wreaked all kinds of havoc. With my mom, everyone "understood" that pancreatic cancer was lethal and horrible. I wasn't involved directly in his care -- he'd remarried and his wife took on that responsibility. So, I don't know what options he pursued, what choices he made, or if there could have been a different outcome. With my mom, I was involved every step of the way over a 5-year process that started with lymphoma (which was in remission). Yet, I still question some of what happened with that. I suppose no matter the path, you end up grieving in much the same way anyway. I just tried to register again at cancercare.org and they couldn't believe I'd lost both parents to cancer. Thought I was trying to scam them I guess. I'd used their forums for pan-can caregiver support and then loss of a parent after my mom. Then they banned me outright because I got upset as they "evaluated" whether it was the "appropriate" group for me. I guess I was supposed to make a large donation after I'd used them the first time and didn't. But it's led me to this group, and there seem to be a lot of wonderful people on it. I swear, dealing with callous people in the aftermath is simply horrible. I've lost count of the people pretending to want to help with my mom who just wanted to score free stuff from her estate. Or well meaning people who tell me "it's for the best" or "she's in a better place" or some other thing that just pours salt in the wound. And it's just starting over again now for my dad. How I dread it. I wish none of us had to be here, and my condolences to all. Thanks to all who read my posts. It just feels better getting it out via keyboard :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gem 27 Posted October 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2018 I'm so sorry for you, Nomad, losing one parent is beyond painful, I can't imagine losing both in such a short time. And the callous people, I've experienced that also. It amazes me that a person would try to take advantage of someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. We had a lawyer try to scam my mom, others offering legal "assistance", it's really a terrible thing. Take care, I hope you find some peace... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nicole-my grief journey Posted October 13, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2018 GlobalNomad, Sending love your way. I’m sad for your losses. I lost my mom in July to metastic colon cancer and it was a nightmare. Her oncologist was not upfront with what was going to happen. He never got us involved with palliative and all the other resources that would have been beneficial. I had to learn everything on my own at warp speed. I was with her every day and my dad slept in a chair at the hospital by her side at night (for months). I was her caregiver and know what it’s like with medical professionals (misinformation, lack of information and transparency, fights about insurance and who was going to operate, fighting to get her wound care after they messed up her surgeries). I fought so hard for her. She fought so hard. In the end we couldn’t save her. I’m devastated. They should have told us in the beginning she wouldn’t make it long. She was a gentle, loving soul who didn’t deserve to die so horrifically. I also lost one of my brothers to adenocarcinoma. Both my mom and brother lived for 3 months after their diagnoses’. My dad was lucky enough to survive a whipple surgery, but I fear for him now that my mom and two brothers are gone. Losing two brothers and my mom was traumatic to say the least. I write this so that you know we understand what it’s like and you’re not alone in your grief and feelings. I struggle with my grief every second of every day. My mom and brothers were my world. Of course all of our pain is individual to us, but there’s a lot we all share in. No time with our loved ones will ever be enough time...I just wish that we didn’t have to lose them to such awful things. I think it’s natural to question things and go over it in your mind. It’s hard to process and the repeating loops happen until we are further a long in the grief process. Our minds naturally protect us from the full extent of the pain by blocking out certain things, or keeping us focused on certain moments because if we felt it all at once we would have nervous breakdowns. Although most of the time, I feel like it’s all flooding into me at once and so painful it’s hard to cope. I sometimes feel panic and like everything’s closing in. Just trying to find my way and figure out how to be my own anchor without my favorite person (my mother). And yes, it’s terrible to experience callous individuals who just want to take, or say they’ll hell and they don’t. They have no idea what it’s like to suffer in the way we do. It’s sad. I pray for good people to come into your life and help. Thank you for sharing. We care and are here for you. Hugs, Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GlobalNomad Posted October 16, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2018 Gem and Nicole, thank you for your kind words. It's weird, buy my Dad's death has now re-opened a lot of the pain and grief I felt after my mom died. Not for him, but for her. We talked every day. Just today, around 10 am -- the time she would usually call -- I had the sudden urge to call her. Last night we were talking about my grandmother's fried chicken, and I had the instinctive urge to call and as about 1 ingredient. It seems it's more of the simple things that trip me up. Although, Thanksgiving was always at my Dad's the last years. Not sure how that will all go. His wife is bereft. Her life has revolved around caring for him for decades. I can't imagine what she's going through now. At this stage in my life, I know I'll never have that kind of relationship. So I want to be supportive of her; I'm just not sure how to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gem 27 Posted October 16, 2018 Members Report Share Posted October 16, 2018 I don't know if you live near your dad's wife, but maybe just spending time with her, perhaps helping with all of the paperwork that follows a person's passing would be helpful? That kind of thing would have been very traumatic and overwhelming to my mom if she were to handle it all by herself, so that's one thing I knew would be helpful to her. That, and just being there, not even talking sometimes, just someone to be with her who understood her pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GlobalNomad Posted October 20, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted October 20, 2018 On 10/15/2018 at 9:50 PM, Gem 27 said: I don't know if you live near your dad's wife, but maybe just spending time with her, perhaps helping with all of the paperwork that follows a person's passing would be helpful? That kind of thing would have been very traumatic and overwhelming to my mom if she were to handle it all by herself, so that's one thing I knew would be helpful to her. That, and just being there, not even talking sometimes, just someone to be with her who understood her pain. Unfortunately we don't life that close by. She's a retired paralegal, and feels like she has everything under tight control. She's kinda like that anyway. But yes, we plan to continue to visit regularly, and I plan to call her more often. The funeral is in 2 weeks. It's not going fast. Once that's done, hopefully things will get a little better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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