BEYOND IRRITATED

[LeannC45]

One of my coworkers keeps asking me if I am excited? Or "you don't seem happy today." I am so sick of that question. Today I asked him if he is excited and he said he is happy, and then he said I am still alive so that's a good thing....WTF....what a thoughtless stupid comment. I LITERALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE..If he lost his wife I wouldn't keep asking him after only 9 months if he is excited. Actually I am afraid right now because the holidays are on there way and I will not have my husband with me. I AM TERRIFIED of how it will feel to come closer to the year anniversary of him being gone and then another one of his birthdays yet again,  to feel the loss, reality and confusion ALL OVER AGAIN....I just hate this whole experience and people who just don't seem to understand.....Flare of anger definitely felt in this moment. 

[Epope]

@LeannC45

I'm irritated for you. Unacceptable behavior, and just numbingly ignorant. It is thoughtless, careless, and incredibly heartless to be saying "you don't seem happy today." That is none of his business, and if he knows your situation, saying "but you're still alive" can make things worse. Sometimes being alive without our partner is the worst damn thing in the entire world and we don't want to be here. But we have to be here. You have to be here, and I have to be here, and unfortunately, your stupid coworker has to be here. Also - i'm incredibly confused as to why he'd ask you "are you excited". About what? Being alive without your partner? That the holidays are coming up and it will be difficult? Intrusive, insensitive jerk. I'm so very sorry that he made you feel anger when none of us have enough room in our life to feel anger on our journey through this all - especially toward some office moron. 

I am dealing with a similar situation - only in the sense that it's office related - that one of my coworkers has self induced stress and misery. Meaning she makes choices that she, at first, brags endlessly about (in this instance, it's going back to school while we work full time), then in turn stomps around the office, acts like she doesn't care about anything at all, and is rude to almost every single individual whether or not they've done anything to her because suddenly she can't handle it. I haven't spoken to her at all since the mere sight of her makes me angry, so I try my best to erase her from my memory. I know that if she complains one more time about something so small and petty, I don't know if I'll have control over what I'll say. I'm almost at 4 months without Derek, and I'm entering a new stage - one with no name, but it's different and harder, I feel anxious 24/7, and old images keep popping in my head. 

Anyway, I feel for you. So much so, that on many occasions I come home and scream as hard and as loud and as long as I can into a pillow. Stay strong, and don't be shy to tell your coworker to show some respect and leave you alone. 

[Spengler]

Many/most people who haven't been through it can't share our grief. They can't understand. They can't handle death. But, this doesn't make them bad human beings, just ones we can no longer relate to. Sadly, this was the case with one of my wife's closest friends, a wonderful person, but a person who just couldn't deal with the pain.

 

I guess what I mean is that we're a special breed now. Special in a way we did not choose and do not want, but special and separate none the less.

[LeannC45]

12 minutes ago, Epope said:

@LeannC45

I'm irritated for you. Unacceptable behavior, and just numbingly ignorant. It is thoughtless, careless, and incredibly heartless to be saying "you don't seem happy today." That is none of his business, and if he knows your situation, saying "but you're still alive" can make things worse. Sometimes being alive without our partner is the worst damn thing in the entire world and we don't want to be here. But we have to be here. You have to be here, and I have to be here, and unfortunately, your stupid coworker has to be here. Also - i'm incredibly confused as to why he'd ask you "are you excited". About what? Being alive without your partner? That the holidays are coming up and it will be difficult? Intrusive, insensitive jerk. I'm so very sorry that he made you feel anger when none of us have enough room in our life to feel anger on our journey through this all - especially toward some office moron. 

I am dealing with a similar situation - only in the sense that it's office related - that one of my coworkers has self induced stress and misery. Meaning she makes choices that she, at first, brags endlessly about (in this instance, it's going back to school while we work full time), then in turn stomps around the office, acts like she doesn't care about anything at all, and is rude to almost every single individual whether or not they've done anything to her because suddenly she can't handle it. I haven't spoken to her at all since the mere sight of her makes me angry, so I try my best to erase her from my memory. I know that if she complains one more time about something so small and petty, I don't know if I'll have control over what I'll say. I'm almost at 4 months without Derek, and I'm entering a new stage - one with no name, but it's different and harder, I feel anxious 24/7, and old images keep popping in my head. 

Anyway, I feel for you. So much so, that on many occasions I come home and scream as hard and as loud and as long as I can into a pillow. Stay strong, and don't be shy to tell your coworker to show some respect and leave you alone. 

Thank you for the response, and I know that the majority of people cannot relate to our situation. My coworker that keeps saying the moronic comments actually use to be my boss and went to my husbands funeral with some other coworkers of mine. I know he doesn't mean any harm but it seems that his way of reaching out is odd and uncomfortable, at best. If he asks me another stupid question I will finally have to say please quit asking me if I am excited. As for your lovely coworker it seems that she can only see what is happening to her and not how devastating life can really be. I wish with all my heart that I could have all the things I thought were problems back plus a ton more if only I could have my husband back. 

[LeannC45]

8 minutes ago, Spengler said:

Many/most people who haven't been through it can't share our grief. They can't understand. They can't handle death. But, this doesn't make them bad human beings, just ones we can no longer relate to. Sadly, this was the case with one of my wife's closest friends, a wonderful person, but a person who just couldn't deal with the pain.

 

I guess what I mean is that we're a special breed now. Special in a way we did not choose and do not want, but special and separate none the less.

You are right I am now a different breed. I know for a fact that I am no longer the same and never will be. I have to let stupid comments roll off my back because the torment that comes with grief is already a heavy load that threatens to SMASH me on a daily basis.

[KayC]

Leann,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that thoughtless moron.  I really grew some moxie after George died, I became more outspoken and stood up for myself since I no longer have someone to do it for me (we always had each other's back).  I would tell him, "Try losing your wife and see how excited you are!"  He'd still be clueless but it helps to speak your mind and let some of it out.  Grrr!

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Leann,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that thoughtless moron.  I really grew some moxie after George died, I became more outspoken and stood up for myself since I no longer have someone to do it for me (we always had each other's back).  I would tell him, "Try losing your wife and see how excited you are!"  He'd still be clueless but it helps to speak your mind and let some of it out.  Grrr!

Yes, I have decided that if my coworker says anything uncomfortable to me again that I am finally going to say something. I thought he would get it from my reaction but clearly he doesn't have a clue. I don't understand how someone can be so insensitive to something that seems so freaking obvious but he seems to be just that.

[Sunflower2]

22 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Actually I am afraid right now because the holidays are on there way and I will not have my husband with me. I AM TERRIFIED of how it will feel to come closer to the year anniversary of him being gone and then another one of his birthdays yet again,  to feel the loss, reality and confusion ALL OVER AGAIN....I just hate this whole experience and people who just don't seem to understand.....Flare of anger definitely felt in this moment. 

even going into the 2nd year of holidays without Wayne there is an undercurrent of panic that still exist. My 2nd birthday without him is creating as much fear as the first year anniversary..  The fear too.  There is that fear of the unknown as to how we will move through these anniversaries and special dates.  I know you understand this is the process but it still doesn't minimize our raw fears. 

a couple days ago my fear escalated.  I was journaling and wrote down my fears. I quickly reversed it in thought and in writing and it helped for that moment as I know the fears will visit me again.

I wrote:  "My life will never be the same"  I countered it with "My life will be good."

I wrote: "I feel unsafe".  I countered with 'I am safe"

actually listed 4 genuine fears that I was feeling at that moment.  Since I was feeling them they were genuine yet not when I look at where I am compare to a year ago the fears were not warranted. Hope that makes sense.

I'm beginning to believe that the anticipation of the day may possibly be worse then the actual day. This I've been told and I remember past events where the anticipation of the event was worse than the actual event.

[LeannC45]

43 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

even going into the 2nd year of holidays without Wayne there is an undercurrent of panic that still exist. My 2nd birthday without him is creating as much fear as the first year anniversary..  The fear too.  There is that fear of the unknown as to how we will move through these anniversaries and special dates.  I know you understand this is the process but it still doesn't minimize our raw fears. 

a couple days ago my fear escalated.  I was journaling and wrote down my fears. I quickly reversed it in thought and in writing and it helped for that moment as I know the fears will visit me again.

I wrote:  "My life will never be the same"  I countered it with "My life will be good."

I wrote: "I feel unsafe".  I countered with 'I am safe"

actually listed 4 genuine fears that I was feeling at that moment.  Since I was feeling them they were genuine yet not when I look at where I am compare to a year ago the fears were not warranted. Hope that makes sense.

I'm beginning to believe that the anticipation of the day may possibly be worse then the actual day. This I've been told and I remember past events where the anticipation of the event was worse than the actual event.

I do understand what you are saying and I do agree. I think that another thing that I have learned is not to compare life before and life in the future. I know life can be good even though I am missing someone that I don't want to live without. I am definitely guilty of over thinking things too. It is something I have always done so of course with something this big overthinking can make you crazy and tailspin very quickly. I think I will try writing down my fears and writing something positive next to it as well. I need to change my self dialogue because it can be doom and gloom sometimes. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I think that another thing that I have learned is not to compare life before and life in the future.

That is a for sure!  It helps us not devalue the good that is if we accept it on it's own merits and don't compare.  I realize it's hard not to compare in the early days, it's an art we have to practice.

I like how you guys are writing things down, both the negative and positive, it can help you in seeing all sides of something.

[Sunflower2]

20 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

I am definitely guilty of over thinking things too.

This I understand!  I have taught the process of thought stopping and now trying to use it on me...interesting what we learn or re-learn or begin to understand with this loss.  Can't say enough of the benefits of self-dialogue.  Those  quick little techniques can be a self rescue for that moment  

[KalB]

On 10/11/2018 at 12:14 PM, LeannC45 said:

I do understand what you are saying and I do agree. I think that another thing that I have learned is not to compare life before and life in the future. I know life can be good even though I am missing someone that I don't want to live without. I am definitely guilty of over thinking things too. It is something I have always done so of course with something this big overthinking can make you crazy and tailspin very quickly. I think I will try writing down my fears and writing something positive next to it as well. I need to change my self dialogue because it can be doom and gloom sometimes. 

Hi Leann, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.  Believe me . . . you're not alone.  We're all here, right with you.  I've come to accept the fact that most people are wholly uncomfortable talking about death, loss and grieving.  They just don't know what to say or do and in my case, they all virtually vanished!  It's like, where did everyone go?!  There's a book called, "Loving What Is:  Four Questions That Can Change Your Life," by Byron Katie.  It has to do with how to handle all of your "thoughts," and grieving persons definitely overthink!  Perhaps you may find it useful.  By the way, I am not looking forward to the holidays, either!  Good thing they are only temporary!