Where is everyone?

[ModKatB]

As time goes by it seems like everyone has stopped calling and when I reach out to them they are always busy. I know that I like to talk about my husband with everyone, but I guess they don't want to listen anymore. So back to writing I went and this is what I wrote.

 

There are so many questions but no answers.

So many tears that fall like rain.

Time spent feeling like nothing will never be right again.

You feel like others have forgotten already.

You are expected to just quickly move on.

They need to understand that we are in pain.

We are works in progress and not complete.

This is not something that can be fixed overnight.

No it takes lots of time, patience and understanding. KB

[LeannC45]

4 minutes ago, KatB said:

As time goes by it seems like everyone has stopped calling and when I reach out to them they are always busy. I know that I like to talk about my husband with everyone, but I guess they don't want to listen anymore. So back to writing I went and this is what I wrote.

 

There are so many questions but no answers.

So many tears that fall like rain.

Time spent feeling like nothing will never be right again.

You feel like others have forgotten already.

You are expected to just quickly move on.

They need to understand that we are in pain.

We are works in progress and not complete.

This is not something that can be fixed overnight.

No it takes lots of time, patience and understanding. KB

I understand your question "Where is everyone"? I am experiencing the same thing. I only have two people that I know don't mind if I talk about my husband and that is my Mom and a dear friend. People at work say random comments about how fast the year is going by and what do I think about Christmas coming up. They don't mean any harm but those comments/questions are loaded for me. My mind quickly goes to how afraid I am of getting closer to Christmas, the last holiday spent with my husband. Or fear comes up because the closer I get to my one year mark it means I haven't seen my beautiful husbands face in a year. It means all of the world is marching on and my heart is still broken in two. Even my husbands Mom understandably looks like my words about my husband are too painful so in order to protect us both I don't get too deep into how "I feel" after all she lost her child which is unimaginable to me. It is a very lonely journey to take because most people want to turn away from "death" conversations. Mortality is fragile and scary for most people to face. That is why I am so grateful for this forum and my therapy because I don't want talking about my husband to be taboo. I want to talk about him, think about him and remember him always.

[Michelene]

1 hour ago, LeannC45 said:

People at work say random comments about how fast the year is going by and what do I think about Christmas coming up. They don't mean any harm but those comments/questions are loaded for me. My mind quickly goes to how afraid I am of getting closer to Christmas, the last holiday spent with my husband.

I know this feeling...I dread being invited to others' places for Thanksgiving, which was the last holiday my husband and I spent together. I thought perhaps I should go but just the length of time I would have to stay would be painful...but I don't have to go...I can stay quietly at home and my memories, because being at work all day pretending that I am not thinking about my loss  is trial enough at this point. 

[Sunflower2]

This is not uncommon.  Grief is a journey and one we travel alone.  There are friends you can be with that understand the pain and the loss without words and without me sharing my story. There are some that do ask not "how are you" but what are you doing to work through this? That is so refreshing for me.  I share my pain and my loss in the sanctuary of home and in the therapist's office.  I don't hide my pain or pretend its not there but I trust they understand and I make my time with them as "joyous" as I can. These are the times I take a break from the pain.  I take a break from the grief.  It doesn't mean there isn't a moment where my eyes may fill with tears or a memory doesn't stab me in the heart or the abdomen.  This must be where we begin to learn to carry the pain? Where we partner with the pain?  I'm very careful with commitments.  I don't over commit. Most of the time my social connects are totally spontaneous. This way gives me a slight advantage over my emotions. I'm having a good day when I reach out to see who is free that moment.  Then again I've never been one that has to have my week or days or months planned with social events.  I sometimes wonder if grief is an easier journey for those that jump in and start knocking off their bucket list or have their social calendar booked? The ones who dive into their families?  their grandchildren??   Their holidays preplanned? I've never had a bucket list and I have no plans on creating one.  I don't have a hobby.  Knitting groups, book clubs, cardmaking, etc. etc.  I've done that. All short term.  I was too fascinated with life and what was going on around me. I'm content with the unique travels and simple travels I've done.  I'm content with all the hobbies I did attempt.  My hobbies are life, people, simple adventure, simple pleasures with a sparkle.  I was in that place where I was good with my accomplishments.  They were me.  Now I wonder.  So grief stirs up uncertainties.  Friends stay some leave. some of us live in a small town with a sense of community.  some have the membership to a church that is family. these communities carry many though the darkness. There are some of us who have taken the road less traveled.  In the end grief is grief.  The most complex journey ever.

There will be new connections in your life as there will all be in all our lives.  We can't rush it.  There may even be a "hobby" in the horizon for me.  

Understand too that grief is uncomfortable for many people.  Your loss can trigger awareness of their losses they will experience at some point. or trigger their unresolved grief from a loss.  even after what I've experienced I'm not sure I would know how to support someone in their darkest moment. I do know there are things I would never say or do but for me that was just instinct. I would simply start with....I understand your deep pain and just be present. 

[Michelene]

1 hour ago, LeannC45 said:

Even my husbands Mom understandably looks like my words about my husband are too painful so in order to protect us both I don't get too deep into how "I feel" after all she lost her child which is unimaginable to me.

My issue is my MIL caused my husband so much stress throughout his whole life--divorced two husbands and "parentified" my husband when he was like 8. He hardly had a childhood. I find it difficult to talk to her about my husband. Even when he was in the hospital after his massive heart attack she was texting him about her problems. I took his phone away. 

[KayC]

I went through that too, and no one seems to remember his death day but me, I have one sister that does but she has dementia so now even she doesn't remember.  He will never be forgotten by me, and our relationship, our time together, every bit of it, even the mundane, is indelibly etched on my heart and brain.  His death day, I only wish I could forget but of course you all know that isn't possible.  There are some things that sound out to us and replay over and over in our minds.

I don't get how people can just disappear like they do, but our address book literally got rewritten.  The same people that told me "If you ever need anything..." at his funeral or in sympathy cards, literally disappeared on me.  I would call and they would say they'd call back, they never did.

I made new friends, in time.  Since I lead a grief support group I have come to know a lot of widows, that helps, they get it.