Lost my mom 6 days ago

[Aiden]

I lost my mom sept 27th... She had metastatic lung cancer.  I cannot stop crying, and have had thoughts of wanting to die.  I have been non stop smoking, and not really eating.  This is absolutely killing me inside, and i feel like i cant live without her.  She was everything to me, and i just want her back.  She was an amazing human being.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Aiden,

What a hearbreaking, gut wrenching loss. I send my love and thoughts of support to you. I am doing the same things and feel the same way. I can’t eat and I try, but just can’t. I smoke constantly and feel so gross about it. I feel paralyzed by the grief. I did more when I first lost her, but I think that’s because I still had lots of adrenaline and shock. Survival mode so to speak. It’s indescribable the depth of the loss of a mother. People really have no  idea unless they’ve had a similiar loss. My mother went through so much and me by her side the entire time. I wouldn’t take back a second of being there with her everyday, but everything that happened haunts me. I feel like others also don’t understand that I didn’t only lose my mother, but I lost her to cancer that wrecked her entire being and put her through so many horrific physical things. She was amazing and fought so hard to do everything they asked her to and never complained. It kills me to know that she never had a chance. The oncologist should have been upfront from the begininning and wasn’t through the entire experience. She had a tumor in her colon, but the cancer metatisized to her liver, retroperitoneum, and every where else. The surgeons were completely not forth coming with the reality of the situation and so I had to keep trying to explain to my family that she wasn’t going to be able to get treatment or survive. She had three emergency surgeries, tubes and couldn’t eat. She would say to me, I just want to live. I don’t understand. She, my dad and brother were all in denial and there I was devastated, scared, fighting to advocate and be a mother to my mother. I was with her through her last breath and after (for all of the other upsetting stuff that happens after they pass). I yearn for my mother as I’m sure that you do to. I keep thinking she’ll walk through the door. I want to scream “Ok, enough! It’s time to com back!” as if she was just on a trip or something. But I know she’s not and I cry and panic. Sorry for the long reply, but I wanted to share my feelings with you and let you know you’re not alone in everything that you feel. Some days I do ok. I press her flowers because she loved them, made a book of the sympathy cards, and do other things to memorialize her. It takes time to process something so painful. Hang in there. Sending you so much love. 

[nuvar]

i know how it feels. try talking to a counselor or friend. try writing it down

yes, try to sort things out by sorting out her stuff when you are more calm

try writing your mum a letter, dont stop talking to her... she's still with you. at least i believe mine is

[reader]

Dear Aiden,

I am very sorry for your pain and sorrow. I know its an extremely difficult time. Please try and surround yourself with loving and supportive friends and family. And if you want to, consider talking to a grief counsellor or joining a support group in the community or through church. I know its hurts so bad, but know you are not alone. We are with you and thinking of you.

[Lisa B]

Aiden,

I too lost my hero, my mother, on 8/30. I can truly relate to your feelings. I sometimes ask myself how am I going to live the rest of my life without her? But I feel that we need to take baby steps through this process and not expect too much of ourselves too quickly. We need to try to just think about coping in this hour, or this minute. Anything more right now is just too much. Your wonderful mother, mine, and everyone else's deserve to be mourned, so there can be no avoiding it, unfortunately. They were incredible, irreplaceable people. I do hope you find this forum to give you some comfort when you realize that you are truly not alone in your feelings, and that what you are feeling is totally normal. I hang onto hope that the dark cloud I feel lingering over my head will slowly lift as time passes.

Please feel free to post more if it helps you. Talk about your mom, tell us anything that you feel will help. We're here for you.

 

[ModKatB]

It has been 7 years since my mom passed away and I miss her all the time. It is going to take time but one day you will be able to remember her and not feel that grief that takes away your breath. Right now I am having to deal with losing my husband of 21 years and I really wish I could call my mom on the phone or go see her for a hug. Grief is a journey that takes time and we all have our way of processing our feelings and there is no right or wrong way to handle things. I have started writing again and it seems to help me. I also have found coming to the forum and writing about how I am feeling at the moment and then reading what others have written helps too. I guess it just lets you know that there is others dealing with the same things and it gives you hope that you can make it.

 

There are not enough words to stop the pain of losing a loved one.

To the ones left behind it is like being lost in a storm and trying to

find your way home. No one is ever prepared to have to say

goodbye to someone they love. Someday in the future you will

start to heal and the hole left in your heart will mend itself with

all of the good memories from time spent together. KB