Three steps back

[LeannC45]

I have had the worst last couple weeks. Somehow I slipped into such sadness and grief seemingly out of no where, meaning nothing new happened to trigger me. I just some how found myself feeling such fear about my future without my husband and sadness that felt like my whole body was hurting. I ended up cancelling my counseling session, I didn't go run, I literally just wanted to hide in my apartment. I felt afraid for my mental state, I almost felt like I was going crazy. I think it's because my physical sadness was taking over and it was without my permission. This is honestly so hard to navigate at times. I just kept telling myself that I need self care and to be kind and patient with myself. I finally felt better yesterday and was able to move through out my day with a sense of normalcy and peace. I pray that we all find understanding and learn to walk with this pain in a way that allows us to find a new path. I really don't think I am meant to become a bitter, sad, crazy lonely person for the rest of my days. I just have to keep pushing forward with every bit of energy I can muster.

[HPB]

I understand you too well; these waves of despair are coming out of nothing and can destroy us in an instant. Yesterday I stayed home and most of the time in bed. Unfortunately also not a helpful behaviour, it just makes things worse. I also know from myself this fear of going crazy, when the waves hit with full devastation. It's felt like getting insane, but can be part of intense grief:

https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/youre-not-going-crazy-youre-grieving/

Today I went again for my 50 min hill walk, and after this moderate exercise, after this exposure to nature, the level of depression is just better bearable. If you cancel your scheduled running, I suggest to at least go for a walk. This is possible even in a state of desparation, and can change the mood only for the better. 

[LeannC45]

26 minutes ago, HPB said:

I understand you too well; these waves of despair are coming out of nothing and can destroy us in an instant. Yesterday I stayed home and most of the time in bed. Unfortunately also not a helpful behaviour, it just makes things worse. I also know from myself this fear of going crazy, when the waves hit with full devastation. It's felt like getting insane, but can be part of intense grief:

https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/youre-not-going-crazy-youre-grieving/

Today I went again for my 50 min hill walk, and after this moderate exercise, after this exposure to nature, the level of depression is just better bearable. If you cancel your scheduled running, I suggest to at least go for a walk. This is possible even in a state of desparation, and can change the mood only for the better. 

Thank you so much for the response. Yesterday I did go to the gym and a dentist appt. Over the weekend I was literally stuck. I always go run every Sunday and I even got dressed and attempted to go. I went to a high school to run the track and there ended up being a track meet so I couldn't run. I literally started balling out of no where and instantly I spiraled from there. I went home where I feel safe and I just cried and watched a little TV basically all day.  I was trying to think about what the ache and darkness feels like and honestly I have never felt so much pain with anything else in my life. I have given birth, been in several car accidents and nothing compares to this pain. Grief is definitely a life lesson that is brutal to get through. I do feel better today so I am grateful for that. If anything this teaches you to bask in the lighter moments and slow down and be mindful through the dark ones.

[ModKatB]

1 hour ago, LeannC45 said:

 I do feel better today so I am grateful for that. If anything this teaches you to bask in the lighter moments and slow down and be mindful through the dark ones.

This journey is long and hard with many setbacks along the way. So we learn to take each day, hour, or minute and deal with whatever has been thrown at us. I like to think of myself as a work in progress and that way there is no expectation of how I should be doing or feeling at any certain time.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[KayC]

Leann, I can't count the times it's hit me and I have been afraid of the "whole rest of my life" and how can I do this without him.  When that happens, I try to put myself back in today, this moment, and not take on "the whole rest of my life"; it's worked for me.  Every time it hits, I put myself back in today, this moment, that's really all I can handle.

What you are experiencing is common, normal, in grief.  You are right, nothing in life compares to this. My dad was an alcoholic and I've experienced abuse at the hands of my mother and my first husband, to the point I didn't know if I'd survive it.  That does not compare to this.  I've been homeless.  That does not compare to this.  I've been betrayed, lost jobs, not known how I was going to pay for my next meal.  That does not compare to this.  Having survived this for 13 years, I am more confident I can make it through pretty much anything...this has been the gauge by which I compare everything else, because this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through!  I've had many losses, my sister had a car accident that left her a quadriplegic, when I was just 14, I helped take care of her with my mom, even that horrible time was not as hard (for me) as this.

I want you to know that you will make it through this.  You are stronger than you yet know and realize.  I'm sorry you had such a hard day, but it's good that you listened to your inner needs.  So important to listen to our inner self!  Sometimes we just need a day to not do anything, but just be, and be there for ourselves.  

Thank you for sharing so candidly.  The authenticity of the group not only amazes me and fills me with awe, it's inspiring.

And the smiles will come.  Just don't turn one down because it's not like it used to be...take all of them you can get!  Embrace them, savor them.  We need them all.

[Michelene]

"If anything this teaches you to bask in the lighter moments and slow down and be mindful through the dark ones."

yes, so true

 

[LeannC45]

15 hours ago, KayC said:

Leann, I can't count the times it's hit me and I have been afraid of the "whole rest of my life" and how can I do this without him.  When that happens, I try to put myself back in today, this moment, and not take on "the whole rest of my life"; it's worked for me.  Every time it hits, I put myself back in today, this moment, that's really all I can handle.

What you are experiencing is common, normal, in grief.  You are right, nothing in life compares to this. My dad was an alcoholic and I've experienced abuse at the hands of my mother and my first husband, to the point I didn't know if I'd survive it.  That does not compare to this.  I've been homeless.  That does not compare to this.  I've been betrayed, lost jobs, not known how I was going to pay for my next meal.  That does not compare to this.  Having survived this for 13 years, I am more confident I can make it through pretty much anything...this has been the gauge by which I compare everything else, because this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through!  I've had many losses, my sister had a car accident that left her a quadriplegic, when I was just 14, I helped take care of her with my mom, even that horrible time was not as hard (for me) as this.

I want you to know that you will make it through this.  You are stronger than you yet know and realize.  I'm sorry you had such a hard day, but it's good that you listened to your inner needs.  So important to listen to our inner self!  Sometimes we just need a day to not do anything, but just be, and be there for ourselves.  

Thank you for sharing so candidly.  The authenticity of the group not only amazes me and fills me with awe, it's inspiring.

And the smiles will come.  Just don't turn one down because it's not like it used to be...take all of them you can get!  Embrace them, savor them.  We need them all.

Thank you for your post. I do feel encouraged from your words, and I do remind myself that there are people that have went through this that do find a new life and not just survive but thrive. 

[KalB]

Dearest Leeann,

What you are feeling is horrible but NORMAL!  That's what everyone, including my family and therapist, are telling me.  I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had a bad weekend.  I wish I could have called you because I, too, had a horrendous weekend!  Seriously, I ALMOST checked myself into a mental institution.  I thought I had lost my mind and that I was not going to survive all this pain.  I had panic attacks all weekend.  Here's what saved my life:  I called my oldest sister and she talked with me on the phone for almost two hours.  She's been with me since Day One of this grief journey and I trust her completely and after our long conversation I had hope again.  Perhaps there is someone you can reach out to when you're feeling desperate, either to be with you physically or even just talking on the phone?

Right now this is a minute-by-minute journey.  You must allow yourself to feel all those horrible feelings.  They're painful but need to be expressed and you should give yourself kudos each time you allow yourself to move through those feelings.  Gradually, I believe it will be an hour-by-hour journey, then a day-by-day journey, etc.  Some days you'll be just okay and then other days it feels like your husband's death was just the day before and you're wondering what the heck is going on here?!  At some point you'll be able to find purpose and meaning in your life again.  It was your husband's "time" to go, but not yours so there's a reason why you're here!  Continue to grieve all those feelings but stay strong in your hope for a better future.  It's out there!  This I truly believe.  Prayers are with you.

[LeannC45]

2 hours ago, KalB said:

Dearest Leeann,

What you are feeling is horrible but NORMAL!  That's what everyone, including my family and therapist, are telling me.  I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had a bad weekend.  I wish I could have called you because I, too, had a horrendous weekend!  Seriously, I ALMOST checked myself into a mental institution.  I thought I had lost my mind and that I was not going to survive all this pain.  I had panic attacks all weekend.  Here's what saved my life:  I called my oldest sister and she talked with me on the phone for almost two hours.  She's been with me since Day One of this grief journey and I trust her completely and after our long conversation I had hope again.  Perhaps there is someone you can reach out to when you're feeling desperate, either to be with you physically or even just talking on the phone?

Right now this is a minute-by-minute journey.  You must allow yourself to feel all those horrible feelings.  They're painful but need to be expressed and you should give yourself kudos each time you allow yourself to move through those feelings.  Gradually, I believe it will be an hour-by-hour journey, then a day-by-day journey, etc.  Some days you'll be just okay and then other days it feels like your husband's death was just the day before and you're wondering what the heck is going on here?!  At some point you'll be able to find purpose and meaning in your life again.  It was your husband's "time" to go, but not yours so there's a reason why you're here!  Continue to grieve all those feelings but stay strong in your hope for a better future.  It's out there!  This I truly believe.  Prayers are with you.

Thank you so much for your share. It does help to know that I am not the only one who feels like my mental health is at risk. Last weekend was the most out of control, desperate, gut wrenching, ache, darkness, despair, life threatening feeling. It is not the first time I have been punched with the hole I fell into but it takes me by surprise just the same. We all have to hang on for our dear lives. Thank you again.

[ModKatB]

[HPB]

Take it day by day, or minute by minute ...

This life sucks! (as far as I am concerned)

 

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, HPB said:

Take it day by day, or minute by minute ...

This life sucks! (as far as I am concerned)

 

At times it sure does SUCK! I am hopeful that we all find lighter moments that lead to brighter days and eventually brilliant futures. I am learning from people here not to look too far ahead right now.

[KayC]

HPB,

We get it!

[KalB]

Right now this life indeed sucks(!) but remember everything is transient, always changing.  I believe these feelings we have and our experiences are only temporary.  I'm trying to just feel all these horrible feelings and work through them because I don't want to get stuck in my grief.  We have to believe in hope for a better future with the knowing that someday we will be with our loved ones again (in my case I'm not sure I want to! - LOL!).  Wishing you peace today.

[ModKatB]

1 hour ago, KalB said:

  We have to believe in hope for a better future .

Hope is one of the things that helps you to hang on to your sanity while it seems like the whole world has gone wrong. If you can see even the faintest of lights at the end of the tunnel it can give you the strength to try and move on.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[Sunflower2]

19 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

At times it sure does SUCK!

Totally!   

[KalB]

The key words here are, "At times."  Yesterday my grief enveloped me so much (where did it come from?!) I had anxiety and borderline panic attacks ALL DAY.  Today, however, is a new day and I'm a little better.  I finally got my hair done and met one of the hairdressers whose son died a few years ago in an auto accident.  My sense of empathy kicked in immediately, I hugged her and suddenly my day seemed okay.  But only for right now.  Feelings of grief are always subject to change at any moment.  We just keep breathing, let them flow through us and continue moving forward.  And maybe find one thing (or more!) to be grateful for everyday.  Or maybe do one nice thing for yourself each day.  Small steps but it will get better.  I just keep believing this is going to get better.

[Sunflower2]

22 hours ago, KalB said:

I just keep believing this is going to get better.

we have to believe.. although there are days and moments where it just doesn't feel it will get better.  The loss is so deep. so much sadness and so many triggers. then the fatigue, the sensitivity...everything that goes with the loss.  

[KalB]

21 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

we have to believe.. although there are days and moments where it just doesn't feel it will get better.  The loss is so deep. so much sadness and so many triggers. then the fatigue, the sensitivity...everything that goes with the loss.  

I reflect on how the first few days, the first weeks, even the first few months brought the most torturous pain I had ever felt in my life.  We've all been there.  You can't even find words to describe that kind of pain.  For me, I honestly did not think I was going to make it and I just wanted to die, too.  Now it's almost six months later and even though there are good grief days and bad grief days it's definitely better than before.  I have made some progress and my priorities have changed now to focus more on ME, not in a selfish way but just self-care and self-compassion.  There's no one else who is going to do this for me and I realize now there never was.  My journey continues.

[KayC]

Kal, that is so good!  We think we aren't doing very well until we remember how bad those early days were, we are somehow surviving.  My hope for all of us is that we can do more than just survive.  I've learned to embrace every good moment, no matter how fleeting. 

Yesterday was my birthday and my family met me for lunch...I never did hear from my daughter, that hurt, but something in the pastor's sermon yesterday helped me with that.  He said if we're looking only at our selves we can't see Jesus...I thought about that with Melissa, and I realize that her life is so bad now, she can't see me or anyone else, only her pain.   It helped me see it wasn't that she doesn't care about me, it's that her life is all she can see right now.  I so wish for her some peace and happiness. Her husband is an alcoholic and treating her really badly, he threw her and their marriage away, but he won't leave, he wants to take her apartment which she found and kept even when he was gone for eight months.  Everything about this is wrong on every level.  I wish George was alive, he'd do something.

[ModKatB]

On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 12:24 PM, LeannC45 said:

 Somehow I slipped into such sadness and grief seemingly out of no where

This is the way I feel right now, like this is all new and not 8 months down the road. My head knows that this is something that will pass eventually but my heart is having a hard time dealing with it. I was able to go on a overnight trip with my daughter and grandson this weekend and we had a pretty good time although I kept remembering how much my husband liked going to the mountains. I am going to see my other daughter and my grandkids on Friday of this week but I can't get excited about the trip. To be perfectly honest if the airline tickets were not non-refundable I would be tempted to stay at home and not go. Everything seemed to be okay until we got home Sunday evening. I was tired and was going to take a nap and that nap ended up with me sleeping from about 3pm yesterday to all day today. I had a dental appointment this morning and I cancelled it only to spend the day in bed. I hope I can get myself pulled together and be able to enjoy seeing my grandkids this next weekend. Maybe missing writing in my journal during my trip let too many things bottle up I guess or maybe I just need to be able to say okay this made me have this problem instead of thinking that I just slipped backwards and lost all the progress I had made. I looked up the definition on grief one day and it said, Grief- deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death. I have my own definition,

 G- growing  R- relentless  I- intense  E- emotional  F- feelings. I just want to be anything other than so depressed that life just doesn't matter and I know that one day I will get there but the journey to that place is hard.

It does help to be able to come here and put down the way I feel and know that there are others that understand and won't tell me I just need to get over it. So thank you to the ones here that give me that understanding and the virtual hugs.

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

[KalB]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Kal, that is so good!  We think we aren't doing very well until we remember how bad those early days were, we are somehow surviving.  My hope for all of us is that we can do more than just survive.  I've learned to embrace every good moment, no matter how fleeting. 

Yesterday was my birthday and my family met me for lunch...I never did hear from my daughter, that hurt, but something in the pastor's sermon yesterday helped me with that.  He said if we're looking only at our selves we can't see Jesus...I thought about that with Melissa, and I realize that her life is so bad now, she can't see me or anyone else, only her pain.   It helped me see it wasn't that she doesn't care about me, it's that her life is all she can see right now.  I so wish for her some peace and happiness. Her husband is an alcoholic and treating her really badly, he threw her and their marriage away, but he won't leave, he wants to take her apartment which she found and kept even when he was gone for eight months.  Everything about this is wrong on every level.  I wish George was alive, he'd do something.

Happy Birthday, KayC (belated!)!  I'm so sorry you're hurting.  You're correct . . . all your daughter can see right now is HER life because, based on what you indicated, she really is in survival mode with her alcoholic husband.  It sounds like they're in a tough situation and what makes it worse is that your daughter's husband won't leave nor will your daughter.  Addiction often brings or results in abuse, of whatever form.  If I've learned anything through my own grief process it's that you can't change people and you certainly can't save them.  Each person has their own individual journey to make on this planet and your daughter may need to learn some painful lessons, which usually precedes growth and transformation.  You don't grow and mature when everything is all rainbows and butterflies.  Real growth usually results from painful experiences we've had, as we transform our pain into acceptance and ultimately a better future for us once we finally learn our lessons.  Maybe the best you can do for your daughter right now is pray for her and be there for her if and when it all falls apart.  It's so sad because you love her so much and we don't want to see our loved ones suffer but she is choosing to stay in her situation, just like I chose to stay in mine.  It took Divine Intervention to get me out of mine - I pray that doesn't happen in your daughter's case.  Wishing you much peace and some hugs:)

[KalB]

15 minutes ago, KatB said:

This is the way I feel right now, like this is all new and not 8 months down the road. My head knows that this is something that will pass eventually but my heart is having a hard time dealing with it. I was able to go on a overnight trip with my daughter and grandson this weekend and we had a pretty good time although I kept remembering how much my husband liked going to the mountains. I am going to see my other daughter and my grandkids on Friday of this week but I can't get excited about the trip. To be perfectly honest if the airline tickets were not non-refundable I would be tempted to stay at home and not go. Everything seemed to be okay until we got home Sunday evening. I was tired and was going to take a nap and that nap ended up with me sleeping from about 3pm yesterday to all day today. I had a dental appointment this morning and I cancelled it only to spend the day in bed. I hope I can get myself pulled together and be able to enjoy seeing my grandkids this next weekend. Maybe missing writing in my journal during my trip let too many things bottle up I guess or maybe I just need to be able to say okay this made me have this problem instead of thinking that I just slipped backwards and lost all the progress I had made. I looked up the definition on grief one day and it said, Grief- deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death. I have my own definition,

 G- growing  R- relentless  I- intense  E- emotional  F- feelings. I just want to be anything other than so depressed that life just doesn't matter and I know that one day I will get there but the journey to that place is hard.

It does help to be able to come here and put down the way I feel and know that there are others that understand and won't tell me I just need to get over it. So thank you to the ones here that give me that understanding and the virtual hugs.

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

Hi KatB,

My heart just aches for you because TRUST ME:  you are not alone!!  First of all, I LOVE your acronym for GRIEF - spot on!  Secondly, I, too, have a few trips coming up this month but am I really all that excited?  NO!  That's why I'm just really staying focused on practicing yoga, meditating and mindfulness to keep me in the present moment.  This morning I unexpectedly saw a photo of my husband and me on Facebook when we met his niece and her husband a few years ago.  OMG!  Rewind the grief tape six months!!  I immediately went into panic mode and my heart just started racing.  So here's what I had to do:  I wrote a letter to my husband in my journal, sprayed my "Panic Button" essential oils all over me, read a chapter in my daily inspirational book, prayed, practiced a 30-minute restorative yoga routine and meditated 10 minutes.  It took ALL THAT just to get out of having a full-on panic attack. Then I started cleaning the house and released some more energy!  What a mess.  Yoga and meditation are helping me immensely, so much in fact that I'm taking my yoga mat with me on my trips.  There are a million Guided Meditations on YouTube that address stress, grief, anxiety, insomnia, etc., lasting from several minutes to several hours!  I always listen to a different one every night before I go to sleep - they help calm me down, redirect my focus on my breath and relax.  I ALWAYS feel better afterwards.  

I accept the fact that some days are going to be okay and other days I'm not going to want to get out of bed.  If you have the opportunity, perhaps you could tune-in to your body and give it what it needs, whether that's rest, a meditation, an ice cream sundae . . . whatever it wants!  I believe this is all part of self-love and we MUST take care of ourselves so we can keep moving forward because we can make it through this!  Did you hear about that horrible limousine accident back East this weekend?!  After I read what happened I realized my day wasn't so bad.  At least I only lost ONE family member.  Remember to stay grateful because there are SO MANY REASONS why we should be thankful!  Sure, things could definitely be better but I personally believe things could always be worse.

Please try to enjoy your time with your daughter and grandchildren.  What a blessing!  Perhaps THEY could be your small reason to smile?

Sending you much love, light and peace:)

[ModKatB]

9 minutes ago, KalB said:

Hi KatB,

My heart just aches for you because TRUST ME:  you are not alone!!  First of all, I LOVE your acronym for GRIEF - spot on!  Secondly, I, too, have a few trips coming up this month but am I really all that excited?  NO!  That's why I'm just really staying focused on practicing yoga, meditating and mindfulness to keep me in the present moment.  This morning I unexpectedly saw a photo of my husband and me on Facebook when we met his niece and her husband a few years ago.  OMG!  Rewind the grief tape six months!!  I immediately went into panic mode and my heart just started racing.  So here's what I had to do:  I wrote a letter to my husband in my journal, sprayed my "Panic Button" essential oils all over me, read a chapter in my daily inspirational book, prayed, practiced a 30-minute restorative yoga routine and meditated 10 minutes.  It took ALL THAT just to get out of having a full-on panic attack. Then I started cleaning the house and released some more energy!  What a mess.  Yoga and meditation are helping me immensely, so much in fact that I'm taking my yoga mat with me on my trips.  There are a million Guided Meditations on YouTube that address stress, grief, anxiety, insomnia, etc., lasting from several minutes to several hours!  I always listen to a different one every night before I go to sleep - they help calm me down, redirect my focus on my breath and relax.  I ALWAYS feel better afterwards.  

I accept the fact that some days are going to be okay and other days I'm not going to want to get out of bed.  If you have the opportunity, perhaps you could tune-in to your body and give it what it needs, whether that's rest, a meditation, an ice cream sundae . . . whatever it wants!  I believe this is all part of self-love and we MUST take care of ourselves so we can keep moving forward because we can make it through this!  Did you hear about that horrible limousine accident back East this weekend?!  After I read what happened I realized my day wasn't so bad.  At least I only lost ONE family member.  Remember to stay grateful because there are SO MANY REASONS why we should be thankful!  Sure, things could definitely be better but I personally believe things could always be worse.

Please try to enjoy your time with your daughter and grandchildren.  What a blessing!  Perhaps THEY could be your small reason to smile?

Sending you much love, light and peace:)

KalB

Thank you for reminding me of something that I need to be doing. I have dealing with some big health issues over the last few years and my husband was always there to cheer me on or help when things got bad but I also tried to look at it as you do, there are plenty of things that could be worse. While my life is not what I want it to be right now I know one day it will be a little bit better. Also thank you for the info on the meditations I may give that a try too.

A heartfelt thanks and many hugs to you.

[KayC]

Right now I think my daughter doesn't see any way out.  She can't afford to move but doesn't see a way to get him out.  From outside, looking in, I see it more simply, go to a lawyer and file for divorce and an order to leave!  I've offered to pay and have reiterated that offer.  You're right, I can't change them or the situation, all I can do is pray and be here for her.  I love them both, and although Don is breaking my heart with what he'd doing to my daughter, I know that off of alcohol, this is not who he is...but he may never again be off of alcohol.  It's one of those things only HE can do...or not.

I honestly feel sometimes that her road is so much harder than mine.  My husband didn't choose to leave me.  My husband's and my love is still intact.  My husband never treated me like hers is treating her.  I got to survive with our love intact, I have only to wait out my life to be with him again.  I thought death was the worst thing that could happen, and then I see my daughter's situation and I rethink that.  I know, hard to compare apples to oranges, both places very hard.

[KalB]

On 10/8/2018 at 4:56 PM, KatB said:

KalB

Thank you for reminding me of something that I need to be doing. I have dealing with some big health issues over the last few years and my husband was always there to cheer me on or help when things got bad but I also tried to look at it as you do, there are plenty of things that could be worse. While my life is not what I want it to be right now I know one day it will be a little bit better. Also thank you for the info on the meditations I may give that a try too.

A heartfelt thanks and many hugs to you.

You're welcome, KatB.  I'm in the middle of some traveling but thought I would check-in with everyone.  How are you doing?  I know your life isn't what you want it to be right now but just try to BE with it.  I just keep breathing through all the feelings (yuck!) and I've been writing my husband "letters" in my journal, which I've found is really helping me.  I KNOW his spirit is with me because he's giving me signs all the time now (kind of trippy!).  Your husband's spirit is with you, too, and always will be.  What we're all feeling . . . it's only temporary.  That's the GREAT NEWS!  This won't last forever . . . better days are ahead.  Blessing are with you  P.S.  There are also guided meditations for grief and loss on YouTube, if that helps.

[KalB]

On 10/9/2018 at 6:46 AM, KayC said:

Right now I think my daughter doesn't see any way out.  She can't afford to move but doesn't see a way to get him out.  From outside, looking in, I see it more simply, go to a lawyer and file for divorce and an order to leave!  I've offered to pay and have reiterated that offer.  You're right, I can't change them or the situation, all I can do is pray and be here for her.  I love them both, and although Don is breaking my heart with what he'd doing to my daughter, I know that off of alcohol, this is not who he is...but he may never again be off of alcohol.  It's one of those things only HE can do...or not.

I honestly feel sometimes that her road is so much harder than mine.  My husband didn't choose to leave me.  My husband's and my love is still intact.  My husband never treated me like hers is treating her.  I got to survive with our love intact, I have only to wait out my life to be with him again.  I thought death was the worst thing that could happen, and then I see my daughter's situation and I rethink that.  I know, hard to compare apples to oranges, both places very hard.

Hi KayC,

I think it all just goes goes back to the understanding that this whole earthly existence is for our souls' journey.  Our souls are here to learn lessons.  I believe the only way we grow and mature is to go through some pain and suffering, and that can take many forms (e.g., a death, an illness, an addicted loved one, etc.).  You, nor I, nor your daughter, nor ANYONE(!) will escape this earthly realm without some suffering.  One of my sisters is a MAJOR alcoholic and she made my life a living hell less than one month after my husband died!  I haven't spoken to her since May and I refuse to until she enters a long-term inpatient rehabilitation program.  I just can't take anymore abuse, even if it's from my own sister (my other sister and my brother have also made the same decision).  A person can only take so much.  When my sister isn't drinking she's wonderful to be around but when she IS drinking she's like "Mrs. Hyde!"  She goes beyond mean . . . she becomes vindictive and evil!  I couldn't handle someone like her fresh off of my husband dying and I've decided I STILL won't have addicts in my life.  It's a tough decision because I love my sister but this is self-preservation, baby!  I'm just trying to save myself!!

Will continue to send love and prayers your way.

 

[KayC]

I agree with you.  On marriagebuilders.com, Dr. William Harley, leading author of marriage books, marriage counselor, and owner of website, says you can't do anything with the marriage until the addict first deals with their addiction.  So true!  I was in a brief marriage to someone who unbeknownst to me was an alcoholic and drug addict (he concealed it from me, literally conned me)...he never lived with me, he used my credit to the tune of $57,000.00 and stuck me with it...it'll be 2-3 times that before I get it all paid off.  There was no saving that marriage, only protecting myself from further harm.  He still has his issues today, all these years later, and now he's doing it to another widow.

Sometimes addictions can make someone very toxic and all we can do is put distance between us.  The ball is in their court, to get help...or not.

I'm sorry you're going through that with your sister, but I totally understand, you have to do what you need to to protect yourself.  And you're right, when we first lose our spouse, our world is spinning around us, it's all we can see, it takes much time and effort to get centered and regain our traction. 

[KalB]

Hi KayC,

Aside from practicing yoga and meditation and journaling and gratitude and and(!) . . . I'm working on forgiveness.  I just don't see any other way out of this whole grief mess but THROUGH the loving act of forgiveness.  This will not only free MY soul but my husband's soul and my sister's soul and all the other souls who have caused me much suffering.  I know I would want others to forgive me if I hurt them.  By the way, my husband's name was Ed.  He had a name so I'm going to start referring to him by his name, Ed.

[KayC]

Oh I totally believe in the power of forgiveness, without which we embitter ourselves and it changes us, not for the better!  I've seen it happen in people, so I wouldn't want that.

I had a lot to work out after my husband died, on my own.  Three weeks before he died, and we had no idea he would die, he came to me and told me he'd been using Meth.  His boss had turned him on to it in an effort to make him work harder, faster, harder, faster!  He was already giving them his all, but they wanted more.  It was a bad decision, but I understood his motives were to keep his job, and thus my medical insurance.  He had a good heart, it was just a bad decision.  He started outpatient treatment with the idea in mind that it'd go to inpatient if necessary.  

As the next year or so went by, I began to put two and two together and realize the lies I'd been told so he could get the $ for the drugs without me knowing.  He was no longer around for me to talk things over with or for him to apologize.  I had to work it out on my own, and it was hard and painful.  I did work through it, little by little.  I had to realize the whole of the man, and not just the part.  He was a wonderful person, but not perfect.  He was, however, perfect for me, if that makes any sense, we always understood each other, had great communication, and I'm very thankful that he came to me of his own volition, before he died, I knew he was willing and wanted to make things right and had he been given more time, he would have done just that.  He was spared much in his death, the baton was passed to me.  As you say, forgiveness is key, it enables us to live at peace and is part of the character building process that is so important in our lives.

Even my son-in-law...it pains me to see what he's putting my daughter through.  I can no longer support him, I have pulled back but I do still love him, just not what he does, and I pray for him continually, I pray he gets off the alcohol, and even if it means losing his job, I realize it's more important that he come to his senses, with or without my daughter in his life.  She can no longer tolerate what he's putting her through, she has to do what is best for her, and I know in time, she will also forgive him.  Sometimes it's easier to do when we're away from them, when they're not "doing it to us, again and again" as in present tense.  We forgive, we don't let them continue abusing us though.

I don't know your circumstances, but it sounds like you've gone through some hard places, as I have.  Eventually we even thank God for the hard places as they make us who we are, all we have learned...seldom are we so thankful in the middle of it, although I know even that is possible, just not very human. 

 

[KalB]

On 10/16/2018 at 7:27 AM, KayC said:

Oh I totally believe in the power of forgiveness, without which we embitter ourselves and it changes us, not for the better!  I've seen it happen in people, so I wouldn't want that.

I had a lot to work out after my husband died, on my own.  Three weeks before he died, and we had no idea he would die, he came to me and told me he'd been using Meth.  His boss had turned him on to it in an effort to make him work harder, faster, harder, faster!  He was already giving them his all, but they wanted more.  It was a bad decision, but I understood his motives were to keep his job, and thus my medical insurance.  He had a good heart, it was just a bad decision.  He started outpatient treatment with the idea in mind that it'd go to inpatient if necessary.  

As the next year or so went by, I began to put two and two together and realize the lies I'd been told so he could get the $ for the drugs without me knowing.  He was no longer around for me to talk things over with or for him to apologize.  I had to work it out on my own, and it was hard and painful.  I did work through it, little by little.  I had to realize the whole of the man, and not just the part.  He was a wonderful person, but not perfect.  He was, however, perfect for me, if that makes any sense, we always understood each other, had great communication, and I'm very thankful that he came to me of his own volition, before he died, I knew he was willing and wanted to make things right and had he been given more time, he would have done just that.  He was spared much in his death, the baton was passed to me.  As you say, forgiveness is key, it enables us to live at peace and is part of the character building process that is so important in our lives.

Even my son-in-law...it pains me to see what he's putting my daughter through.  I can no longer support him, I have pulled back but I do still love him, just not what he does, and I pray for him continually, I pray he gets off the alcohol, and even if it means losing his job, I realize it's more important that he come to his senses, with or without my daughter in his life.  She can no longer tolerate what he's putting her through, she has to do what is best for her, and I know in time, she will also forgive him.  Sometimes it's easier to do when we're away from them, when they're not "doing it to us, again and again" as in present tense.  We forgive, we don't let them continue abusing us though.

I don't know your circumstances, but it sounds like you've gone through some hard places, as I have.  Eventually we even thank God for the hard places as they make us who we are, all we have learned...seldom are we so thankful in the middle of it, although I know even that is possible, just not very human. 

 

Hi KayC,

YES!  Love this:  "Eventually we even thank God for the hard places as they make us who we are."  If Ed hadn't died I would never be where I'm at spiritually, soulfully.  It had to get THAT DARK.  I HAD to hit my BOTTOM.  His death sent me on a quest to figure this whole life thing out and to not live in fear anymore.  Forgiveness . . . I'm not quite sure how to fully do this.  I've communicated to Ed several times that I forgive him but have I really?  I'm still angry at him but how can I stay mad when it was ME who (at a soul level) CHOSE to be with him so I could learn the lessons I needed to learn during this lifetime?  It's complicated and the understanding and acceptance of it all isn't going to happen overnight.

Your husband, my husband . . . both were good men with good hearts and yes, they made some bad decisions.  We all do though!!  How blessed you are that you were able to discover the truths and make amends before your husband passed away.  I agree . . . we must forgive EVERYONE who harms us but we don't have to let them continue abusing us.  Boundaries, baby!  I'm practicing the gifts of releasing and detachment . . . letting go.  Tough stuff but it's the only way we will be truly free and be able to enjoy the rest of OUR lives.  We're still here and every day is a gift!

You're a beautiful soul, KayC, and you've helped me (and others) tremendously.  Thank you for being here for all of us:)

[KayC]

Kal,

I sense in you the richness of someone who "has been there", those hard things we go through that shape and mold us into who we are, things not superficial, things deep, and what a cost!  But rich in lessons too.

Yes, boundaries.