HOLIDAYS

[KayC]

I thought I'd start a thread about getting through the holidays, especially since some of you will be facing this for the first time without your partner.

If anyone cares to share what they do that helps them, it could be helpful to have suggestions listed here.

I continue to put up a tree and hang George's stocking in memory of him.  I also watch all the sappy Christmas movies we used to like to watch together, and I like to think he's here with me as I do so.  It helps me feel I'm not so alone as I'm going through it.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/coping-with-holidays-suggested.html
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/getting-through-the-holidays-when-you-are-newly-bereaved_b_582c7767e4b0466f4579334f

[Brazil Man]

I can't imagine how will be my first Christmas without my wife. Our last Christmas together was in 2017. How sad it will be !

 

[adventure]

I will most likely bury myself in work. I’ve already been thinking of this. Tom loved Christmas and we hosted large parties many times. He would make me wrap every present...even the small gifts in the stockings. Drive me crazy!! And he LOVED singing Christmas carols. He made song sheets for the parties and made everyone sing!!! Such a joyous time. One year on Christmas Day we had about a dozen friends in our sailboat Grace and went sailing for the day. I decorated the cockpit with garland and of course the song sheets came along. It was a wonderful time. I can’t bear to think of the holiday without him. 

And with my first husband we always decorated with an American tree and a Swedish tree in the kitchen. Our first Christmas without him, the 3 kids and myself jumped on a plane to San Fransisco. My daughter said she couldn’t stand to be in the house without him. We ran away!! 

I told Tom every year I dread the holidays. My one sister was murdered one week before Christmas. My other sister and her 22 month old son died in a car accidents December 23. My mom died 10 days before Christmas. With all that in December it’s hard to want to celebrate. Tom helped put the pieces back together after all that sorrow and emptiness. Now the glue is gone too. 

Ill just work and treat it like any other day....the plan so far

[KayC]

Whatever we do, it helps to have a plan and not be caught off guard.  Some choose to spend it alone, others with family or friends.  I live in snow country so can't count on being with others.  Our local museum used to put on dinners for those who are alone but this will be the first year they aren't doing that.  Not knowing what the roads/snow will be, I can't know until it gets here, what I will do for sure.

That first Christmas without him was six months into my journey, one of our hardest times.  My son was home on leave from the Air Force, and my daughter was here, if not for them, I wasn't inclined to put up a tree, etc., as my heart just wasn't in it.  But they went out and got a tree, my son cut it down, they put it up, so I got out the decorations and we decorated.  George really did love Christmas, so I have kept it up every year in honor of him, even though I'm alone.  My dog loves looking at the lights.  It's poignant, I like to think George is here in spirit form, enjoying it and sees that I do it for him.

adventure, you may not feel like "celebrating" but I hope you won't be alone either...I did with that first Easter what you want to do with Christmas...ignored it, treated it like any other day...by then it was 9-10 months and I'd survived all of the other "holidays without" and just couldn't do another.  I had my kids up for a special dinner the following weekend and none of us mentioned Easter.  I've gotten better at handling the holidays since, but it's sure nothing like it used to be!  

Just remember, there is no right way or wrong way to do the holidays, only YOUR way, whatever feels most comfortable to you.  But it's good to think about ahead of time and know how you're going to do it so you're not caught off guard and miserable throughout it.  I have a friend who has lived alone all his life, never married, and he fixes a special dinner and has a nice glass of wine...seems rather lonely to me, but he has learned the art of self-care, and that's so important when we're alone especially.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, adventure said:

My one sister was murdered one week before Christmas. My other sister and her 22 month old son died in a car accidents December 23. My mom died 10 days before Christmas.

I am very sorry for your losses.  With all that, I can't imagine how hard it must be, but you'll be utmost in my thoughts and prayers going into Christmas.  The hard part about Christmas is it's on t.v., stores, schools, churches, everywhere, everyone makes a big deal of it so there's no escaping it or noticing it's approach.  So much easier to avoid Thanksgiving or Easter!

[KalB]

Oh my goodness I've been dreading the upcoming holidays for the past couple of months now!  My husband and I had plans to go to Cabo for Christmas and New Year's this year, as we have done so many times in the past.  I had already cancelled our reservations months ago(:  So I began searching for another trip for Singles Over 50(!) . . . a cruise, a tour . . . ANYTHING!  I couldn't find what I was searching for and finally accepted that the Universe wants me with my family this year.  I need to continue letting these painful feelings of grief just flow through me but I will be around my support system and they will see me through it.

KayC thank you for the links above.  I will definitely check them out.  I thought maybe I would take the focus off of my myself this season and volunteer somewhere, somehow.  Surely there's a Food Bank or Soup Kitchen that needs my help!  I'm going to get a memorial candle and a photo of us from last year and burn it (the candle, not the photo!) on Christmas Day and New Year's Eve and just LET THE TEARS FLOW!  My husband is in a better place now and I believe he wants me to be happy.  Then I'll start looking for the right cruise for Christmas and New Year's 2019-20!!!!  Must keep moving forward!

[KayC]

That's a great idea, volunteering in a soup kitchen on Christmas, I'd love to do that if only we had one here!

[KalB]

Yeah, I found out there's already an established "group" that serves meals to the homeless where I live but maybe I could volunteer at the food pantry.  My sister had an idea that we could get some inexpensive Christmas cards and send them randomly to people in the phone book!  Just a message of hope and cheer for the new year.  I like to reach out to children and seniors so I'll keep searching for ways to help those most vulnerable populations.  I know there are many homeless families that need help besides food.  I'll find something.  Just anything to take the focus off of my own suffering and increasing the awareness of how blessed I truly am.  Trying to remain grateful, which in my particular case, I have much gratitude that I'm literally still breathing!

[KayC]

I volunteer at my local senior site twice a week, you might consider something like that.  For many of these people, it's the only social interaction they get and the food is secondary to that even!  I hope you find some way to reach out to children too.  Our local schools have a buddy program where you're matched up with a child and go eat lunch with them once a week, the kids love it!  You might talk to the principal about the needs and ways to be there for them.  Also our church has a program for children and meets with them for 2 1/2 hours after school one day a week, it's helped us see needs close up and personal and be able to minister to the families, like there was one family that was going to be homeless and we stepped up, helped them get into a place, get furniture, etc.

[KalB]

Thank you, KayC, for the wonderful suggestions!  I'll definitely look into senior centers and the schools.  Next month, after my travels, I'll seek out some churches and maybe I'll find someone who could use my help.  What a silly thought!  I know there are a LOT of people out there that could use my help, even if it's just spending time with them.  Loneliness is such a horrible experience, especially for the elderly.  And people who are grieving a loss - UGH!

[KayC]

Today is our wedding anniversary.  It has gone from being a happy time to an ordinary day...if he were alive we'd be heading to the coast, the weather is beautiful.  It's like my life has gone from living color to black and while.

[ModKatB]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Today is our wedding anniversary.  It has gone from being a happy time to an ordinary day...if he were alive we'd be heading to the coast, the weather is beautiful.  It's like my life has gone from living color to black and while.

Today would have been 22 years for Billy and I, but now it is just another 24hrs of missing him so much. It has been 8 months since he died but on days like today it still feels like it was yesterday. I will keep moving on and try to remember all the good things from our wedding day. My journey is far from over but I hope I am one day closer to being able to remember without feeling like my life is over too. 

[KayC]

I in no way feel like my life is over, but I did when he first died.  It took a lot of hard work to get where I am, but that doesn't exempt me from having hard days.  Anniversary of death, wedding, his birthday, will always be hard.  So are the hard times in life, like going through surgery alone, being out of work, etc.

I decided to switch my schedule around and get groceries yesterday, I live in the country so it's 100 mile trip to town and back, takes a good share of the day, so I went yesterday to keep my mind occupied.  My A/C wasn't working so that was a distraction, although not necessarily a good one.  One thing we tend not to do now is sweat the small stuff.  We know what's big, we have a different reference point now.