Suffering From Complicated Grief

[KalB]

My husband and I were living in a foreign country full-time for almost two years.  A little over five months ago he died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident.  My grief runs deep and heavy and it's complicated.  I loved my husband more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.  We were wholly committed to each other.  For us it was the good, the bad and the ugly.  The ugly part is that he (I'm ashamed to admit) was controlling and abusive . . . mentally, emotionally and physically.  He had a horribly abusive childhood and tremendous unresolved grief of his own throughout his life.  During the time we were together (11 years) we were fine in the beginning but as time went on things started to unravel for him and he took his anger and frustrations out on me.  Four nights before he died we got into a serious argument and he "snapped."  That was the night (one of several) I thought I was going to die.  We barely "made up" three days later and then the next day he took a drive and crashed his motorcycle.  I thought I was just going to pick him up from the hospital and take him home with a broken leg but we ended up flying to a larger city within the country and just when I thought he was going to be okay the doctor told me I better go in and say Goodbye.  The day my husband died was the worst day of my life.  Since that day I have experienced every emotion there is, from rage (not just anger) to severe depression (not just sadness) and everything in-between.  He had unfinished business in the country we lived in, as well as the States.  He had two different Wills and two different attorneys.  He had family and friends who, instead of being there for me, attacked me like vultures and made my life a living hell.  It's truly a miracle I am still breathing today.  I am back in the States now staying with my family until everything is settled and recently I was finally able to begin therapy with a grief counselor to help me with losing my husband, as well as all the trauma.  What a long road I must travel now!  I am so incredibly heartbroken and I miss him so much but at the same time I am grateful that he is in a better place now and I, myself, am safe.  So there's my dilemma:  if I choose to remember all the good times we had then I suffer tremendous sadness.  If I choose to remember how much he controlled and manipulated me and how he hurt me so bad physically (more than once) I thought I was going to die then I suffer tremendous rage.  What do I do with all of these feelings?  It seems like the people who were there for me in the beginning have virtually disappeared and have gone on with their own lives.  They just left me in the dust.  I feel very alone, even when I am around people.  No one understands what grief really does to a person, especially when it's from a sudden death.  There was no opportunity or time to make amends, forgive each other, etc.  We had so much unfinished business and I feel like half of me is just gone.  I'm so exhausted.  I have my faith in God but really, I'm just waiting for Him to call me, too.  I feel like a walking "vegetable," with no brain and no heart left to love anything or anyone ever again.

[Spengler]

As some people on this forum have suggested, you might consider writing about your relationship, both the good times and the bad. Write him letters expressing your feelings. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel grief. It's okay to cry. It's even somewhat okay to smash dishes against the wall, if that's what you absolutely need to do.

 

Every relationship, even the most consistently loving one is complicated. My wife and I loved each other dearly, intensely. But, there were times when we yelled at each other. When we were too mad to even talk to each other. And we did things to each other that we later regretted. I withheld affection from her a couple of times, and I'm bitterly ashamed of that now. She threatened to leave me once (I'm grateful that she didn't). And I love her no less for all the problems we had.

 

We're all walking wounded here. We all need to heal. That's why we're here trying to help each other. And ourselves.

[KalB]

Hello Spengler,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me and sharing parts of your story.  I don't feel so alone now and you've reaffirmed my belief that I need to be right here right now.  You're correct, that no matter what problems my husband and I had I loved him with all of my heart and soul.  Leaving him was never an option for me.  I was with him until death would part us, and it ultimately did.  I appreciate your advice on writing him letters and will also work on forgiveness.  That, I believe, will ultimately free me enough to have compassion for my husband and more importantly now, for myself.

This was my first posting today and it was very difficult for me.  I want to take some time tomorrow and read others' stories and see if I can transition some of the pain of my grief into helping others, as you helped me.

With much gratitude,

KalB

[KayC]

KalB,

I'm glad you found this place, my grief forum literally saved me when I lost my husband 13 years ago.  I'm also glad you're seeing a grief counselor.  It's very hard to navigate grief alone.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know that encompasses so much.  People are complex and they aren't just all good or all bad, most are a mixture and hopefully the good outweighs the bad.  I was in a controlling abusive marriage when I was young and I always recommend getting away from the abuser, at least you don't have to worry about him killing you anymore, but I also understand feelings aren't that simple and don't always even make sense, it's more complicated than that.  You also had good times and you will miss the good parts.  If there is a way you can remember the whole of the person, recognizing that he had problems, but also remembering he was more than just his bad side, he had good in him too, hopefully you can be balanced in retrospect, your grief counselor should be able to help you along those lines.

I like how you put it 

7 hours ago, KalB said:

That, I believe, will ultimately free me enough to have compassion for my husband and more importantly now, for myself.

That's good to aspire to!

I wrote an article based on what I've learned over the years that has helped me in my grief journey, and want to share it with you in the hopes something in it will be of help to you.  If you print it out and read it every few months, different things will hit you at different part of your journey as this is an ever-evolving journey.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[ModKatB]

There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. It is a long and hard journey we have to take and some days are good and some days are so hard you don't feel like you can go one more step. I have gone back to writing again and it has helped me a good bit. Also having a place like this forum has helped me too because it lets you know that you are not alone and it is possible to survive this horrible thing that has happened. We are all on the same road just in different places.

 

Day or night.

Hours or minutes.

None of it matters any more.

Having my heart ripped apart.

I am no longer able to find any peace.

There are too many memories that haunt me.

No matter where or how far I go.

Sadness and pain always find me.

There is no where to hide. KB

__________________________________________

The process of grief has no right or wrong way and no particular

order you need to go thru. It is a daily if not hourly journey that we

all have to go thru to get to the other side. I know for me it seems like

I am never going to be able to breathe again. There are so many feelings

all the time, love, hate, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression. Then there

are all the questions of why now? why them? how do I go on?

Everyone says it will get better and I know it will but right now it takes

all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I keep hoping that I

will be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine soon and have it be

where I can make it thru to where I want to live again. KB

___________________________________________________________

When I write, the words rush out trying to find their place. Sometimes they are perfect together and other times they make no sense at all.

Feelings of love , hate, sadness, anger, happiness and pure fear.

I am okay, but no I am not. I laugh then cry, scream and then say nothing at all.

When you have a part of you taken away there is no right way to feel.

You never forget but as the time passes the memories stop hurting so much. You learn to live with the pain of what you lost. KB

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I share the things I write with the hope that it might help in some small way.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

 

 

[KalB]

Dearest KayC and KatB,

I am overwhelmed with your love, support, understanding and reaching out to me!  KayC:  wonderful advice and yes, I will print out your list and read it regularly.  All of what you said I know to be true.  This is just a journey I wasn't expecting to take for at least 10 years.  KatB:  what a beautiful writer you are!  I'm printing that out, too.  

Thank you both so much, from the bottom of my broken heart.  It's amazing how some moments I have enough breath to get through a yoga class and other times my lungs feel like they are on fire just to take a simple breath.  A lot of what is keeping me "stuck" right now is all this unfinished business my husband had in two different countries.  I had to hire attorneys and fight these battles because I felt it was the right thing to do.  I didn't want my husband's death to be in vain.  I'm starting to realize, however, that all this fighting is adding more fuel to my grief and draining me of all my resources.  Why am I continuing to fight these battles for my husband, whom I did love no matter what, when most likely the outcome is not going to be in my favor and it's negatively impacting my health?!  I struggle with this because I am fiercely loyal, determined and stubborn but at the same time my husband wasn't all that nice to me!  A few months after he died I found out he had lied to me (and everyone) about a few KEY pieces of HIS story and past.  This made me feel like my whole relationship with him was just a lie.  Everything he told me I'm now questioning, Was that true?  Was that a lie?  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't . . . 11 years of my life!  For WHAT?! 

So now I'm trying to focus on what my purpose on earth really is.  Since my husband's death I dived in deep, reading everything I could on grief, loss and what happens after your physical body dies.  I understand that we are all spiritual beings within a physical shell, which is why we never really "die."  People come in and out of our lives because our souls choose to learn specific lessons.  I believe my soul and my husband's soul were destined to meet so we could learn whatever lessons we needed to from each other.  This understanding and acceptance has been the ONLY THING that has made any sense for me as to why I allowed myself to stay in this relationship.  It still hurts though, because a lot of my anger and sadness is really towards myself (but how can I be upset when it was my soul that CHOSE this?).  It's difficult to understand and grasp and I'm still learning but I'm trying to keep my focus on my destiny . . . my ultimate destiny.  I realize everything is transient and what I'm experiencing is only temporary.  My ultimate earthly goal is to live in love and not fear anymore.  It's a tall order right now but like my husband always said, "How bad do you want it?"

Again, thank you both for being there for me.  You've been my inspiration to get through this day . . . just this one day!

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, KatB said:

There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. It is a long and hard journey we have to take and some days are good and some days are so hard you don't feel like you can go one more step. I have gone back to writing again and it has helped me a good bit. Also having a place like this forum has helped me too because it lets you know that you are not alone and it is possible to survive this horrible thing that has happened. We are all on the same road just in different places.

 

Day or night.

Hours or minutes.

None of it matters any more.

Having my heart ripped apart.

I am no longer able to find any peace.

There are too many memories that haunt me.

No matter where or how far I go.

Sadness and pain always find me.

There is no where to hide. KB

__________________________________________

The process of grief has no right or wrong way and no particular

order you need to go thru. It is a daily if not hourly journey that we

all have to go thru to get to the other side. I know for me it seems like

I am never going to be able to breathe again. There are so many feelings

all the time, love, hate, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, depression. Then there

are all the questions of why now? why them? how do I go on?

Everyone says it will get better and I know it will but right now it takes

all I can do to put one foot in front of the other. I keep hoping that I

will be able to feel the warmth of the sunshine soon and have it be

where I can make it thru to where I want to live again. KB

___________________________________________________________

When I write, the words rush out trying to find their place. Sometimes they are perfect together and other times they make no sense at all.

Feelings of love , hate, sadness, anger, happiness and pure fear.

I am okay, but no I am not. I laugh then cry, scream and then say nothing at all.

When you have a part of you taken away there is no right way to feel.

You never forget but as the time passes the memories stop hurting so much. You learn to live with the pain of what you lost. KB

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I share the things I write with the hope that it might help in some small way.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

 

 

@KatB  You are sharing YOU, your soul,  as you move through grief.  so authentic so real.  I thank you!

[KayC]

@KalB  Your outlook and attitude is AMAZING!  You sound like someone I would love to know in real life, inspiring and interesting!  The "why" you continue to fight for him says a lot about who you are and it's neither right nor wrong if you continue, just what YOU feel is ultimately best or what you can do given your own personal limitations.  I wish you the best with it and hope you get the end results you need.

Keep coming here, it really does help to know you're heard and understood, and we here, get it.  We are rooting for you.

[KalB]

Dear Sunflower 2,

Thank you!  I'm amazed at how many people on this forum have turned to writing and it seems so therapeutic and beautiful.  Everyone who has responded to my painful cries truly know how I feel, which is reassuring for me since my family and friends don't fully understand my grief.  Most are very supportive but this experience has changed me forever and I am no longer the person I once was (which is probably a good thing!).  It's difficult for me, although understandable, how everyone around me just continues to go on with their lives and for me, just getting out of bed each morning presents a challenge. 

I'm staying on this forum.  I'm inspired to start writing myself now. 

 

[KalB]

Good Morning, KayC!  I was just thinking the same thing, that I wish we could all meet and support each other face-to-face.  I could really use some hugs here!  My therapist yesterday suggested I get massages, not just because they feel so darn good but more importantly for the "human touch" in a safe, non-sexual manner.  Touch is so critical and I try to hug my family and friends whenever I can.  That's the one thing I miss about my husband.  I miss hugging him and cuddling with him.  Even though he was not very nice to me I do understand why.  He was such a tortured soul and had been since his childhood.  I did truly love him and all the bad aside, he was my greatest love.  He was crazy, but he was MY crazy.  I was crazy, too!, but I was HIS crazy.

I know our souls joined together for those 11 years to teach each other lessons.  So now I need to focus on the lessons I was destined to learn from being with him.  This will help me heal, and the realization that everything in life is always changing.  Everything is transient and everything we go through is only temporary.  Since this is true, what are the lessons we need to learn?  I believe self-love and self-compassion so we can share love and compassion with others.

It seems you have come a long way on your own grief journey and it's beautiful how you are now sharing love and compassion for everyone on this forum.  Wonderful!

[ModKatB]

22 minutes ago, KalB said:

Dear Sunflower 2,

Thank you!  I'm amazed at how many people on this forum have turned to writing and it seems so therapeutic and beautiful.  Everyone who has responded to my painful cries truly know how I feel, which is reassuring for me since my family and friends don't fully understand my grief.  Most are very supportive but this experience has changed me forever and I am no longer the person I once was (which is probably a good thing!).  It's difficult for me, although understandable, how everyone around me just continues to go on with their lives and for me, just getting out of bed each morning presents a challenge. 

I'm staying on this forum.  I'm inspired to start writing myself now. 

 

KalB, Even if  you write and don't share what you write it might help you. For me writing gives a voice to all of the emotions that are running thru my mind and heart. It allows me to get things out instead of holding it all in, it allows me to express the anger, hurt, pain, and the questions of why. I share them hoping that something I put on paper might help someone understand the feelings or possibly give them a little bit of hope for the future. I like you am going to keep coming here to this forum because it has helped me knowing there are others out there that understand exactly how I feel and they don't mind if I want to talk about it.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

 

We may not can take the pain away but we can be there to help you pick up the pieces and help you to slowly put your life back together. Friendship is a port in the storm and a ray of sunshine on the darkest of days. KB

[KalB]

KatB,

Seriously, please write a book!  You are a gifted writer and my inspiration.  Everyone on this forum is my inspiration.  I'm grateful I found a safe place to talk about my experience without others judging me.  No one has walked in my shoes nor I in theirs.  I genuinely try not to judge others.  It only serves to hurt and separate when we should all be showing compassion and acceptance.

Feeling some anxiety this morning.  My body has been in "fight or flight" mode for years, even long before I met my husband.  So I'm going to get on my yoga mat and work through a moving meditation and do some breathing exercises.  First things first:  I will write in my gratitude journal!

Thank you:)

[KayC]

8 hours ago, KalB said:

Even though he was not very nice to me I do understand why.

It was him, and not you.  He had issues.  The hard part about loving someone that has such issues is we can't help them be better, it's something only they can do.  But you loved him for a reason and you must have seen those other parts of him.  You looked further than many people would have.  He is out of his painful issues now and in a peaceful place.  They are the lucky ones!  Aww, but someday we will be too, we just have to make it through this first.

I agree with Kat, giving pen to our thoughts and feelings is very helpful.  We are giving expression to our soul, art is also a good expression.

Keep up the yoga and meditations!

[Lost6263]

On 9/30/2018 at 4:42 PM, KalB said:

My husband and I were living in a foreign country full-time for almost two years.  A little over five months ago he died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident.  My grief runs deep and heavy and it's complicated.  I loved my husband more than I've ever loved anyone or anything.  We were wholly committed to each other.  For us it was the good, the bad and the ugly.  The ugly part is that he (I'm ashamed to admit) was controlling and abusive . . . mentally, emotionally and physically.  He had a horribly abusive childhood and tremendous unresolved grief of his own throughout his life.  During the time we were together (11 years) we were fine in the beginning but as time went on things started to unravel for him and he took his anger and frustrations out on me.  Four nights before he died we got into a serious argument and he "snapped."  That was the night (one of several) I thought I was going to die.  We barely "made up" three days later and then the next day he took a drive and crashed his motorcycle.  I thought I was just going to pick him up from the hospital and take him home with a broken leg but we ended up flying to a larger city within the country and just when I thought he was going to be okay the doctor told me I better go in and say Goodbye.  The day my husband died was the worst day of my life.  Since that day I have experienced every emotion there is, from rage (not just anger) to severe depression (not just sadness) and everything in-between.  He had unfinished business in the country we lived in, as well as the States.  He had two different Wills and two different attorneys.  He had family and friends who, instead of being there for me, attacked me like vultures and made my life a living hell.  It's truly a miracle I am still breathing today.  I am back in the States now staying with my family until everything is settled and recently I was finally able to begin therapy with a grief counselor to help me with losing my husband, as well as all the trauma.  What a long road I must travel now!  I am so incredibly heartbroken and I miss him so much but at the same time I am grateful that he is in a better place now and I, myself, am safe.  So there's my dilemma:  if I choose to remember all the good times we had then I suffer tremendous sadness.  If I choose to remember how much he controlled and manipulated me and how he hurt me so bad physically (more than once) I thought I was going to die then I suffer tremendous rage.  What do I do with all of these feelings?  It seems like the people who were there for me in the beginning have virtually disappeared and have gone on with their own lives.  They just left me in the dust.  I feel very alone, even when I am around people.  No one understands what grief really does to a person, especially when it's from a sudden death.  There was no opportunity or time to make amends, forgive each other, etc.  We had so much unfinished business and I feel like half of me is just gone.  I'm so exhausted.  I have my faith in God but really, I'm just waiting for Him to call me, too.  I feel like a walking "vegetable," with no brain and no heart left to love anything or anyone ever again.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly in February to a heart attack. I understand how you feel everyone has gone on with their life and you feel so alone. I have a great support system but still feel so alone. I have also pushed many people away because they just don't understand what I'm going through. I too just keep waiting for a God to take me next...I feel like most times if I'm not trying to stay busy I'm a walking zombie. We were together almost 11 years and as soon a second he died some of his family and friends came around like vultures too. Looking back on the first couple months I should have just waited to do things like my parents said but I wanted to be open to his family and do what they wanted too. It's just material things but it makes me sad that's all they wanted it seems. Everyday I talk to him and whenever I do something I just want to tell him about it. I hold on to the fact that I will see him again. 

[KayC]

You've shown honor and respect to your husband and to his memory, and you can comfort yourself in that.  It's hard to understand when others come swooping in like vultures.  I had someone show up at my house, the morning of his funeral (his friend's partner, someone he didn't even like), and GRAB his hat off it's hook, and say, "I want his hat!!!".  I quickly snatched it back, and cried out, "It's GEORGE'S!" and held it to me.  Their action was so cold, so insensitive, it struck me like a slap in the face.  That he didn't even like this person seemed all the more invasive.  They had no business just showing up at my home like that when we're trying to get ready for my husband's FUNERAL!  No wonder he didn't like her.  It took me ten years to be ready to part with his hat, and I gave it to his best friend from church, someone who was true blue to him, and I saw a tear slip from his eye...he knew what it took for me to give that to him, but I also knew that's who George would have given it to, I have plenty of reminders of him, I got his fishing vest and bathrobe.

[Spengler]

On 10/2/2018 at 10:51 AM, KalB said:

 My therapist yesterday suggested I get massages, not just because they feel so darn good but more importantly for the "human touch" in a safe, non-sexual manner.  Touch is so critical and I try to hug my family and friends whenever I can.

Agreed, and I have the same needs. That's why I began taking ballroom dancing lessons at my local Senior Center. Social interaction, with touching, is critically important, all the more so after losing our partner. And dancing lessons in a group setting are safe, non-sexual, and not an instance of looking for a replacement relationship.

[KalB]

Hello My Friends,

First of all, can anyone tell me how I reply to your specific posts?  Sometimes when I'm able to logon to this website I see a few of you have responded and I don't know how to specifically reply to each one of you.

With that in mind, KayC I just can't thank you enough for all of your supportive insights and comments.  I wholly agree with you, that my husband had a lot of issues!  In all honesty, however, I'm searching for the answers as to why "I" chose him and more importantly, chose to STAY with him when there were SO MANY RED FLAGS early on in our relationship.  What I can tell you is that my mom raised my sister and me as a single parent since we were six and four years old, respectively (my father died in a plane crash).  She was (and still is) VERY narcissistic, abusive and became a functioning alcoholic.  So I'm imagining that as an adult I subconsciously "chose" my husband because he was SO much like my mother, whom I had so many unresolved issues with.  I chose Ed as an adult so I could work out my unresolved issues really with my mother!  Does that make any sense?!  Seriously, my mom and my husband could have been identical twins and it's no wonder THEY got along just fine!  Not having my father around and being raised by an abusive, alcoholic mother resulted in my low self-esteem and almost the feeling that I "deserved" to be abused and that ANY attention from a man would be better than none.  My sister turned out the same way and unfortunately, she is actually now a full-fledged non-functioning alcoholic.  So that's my starting point to understand why I was with my husband and why I stayed.  I believe things had to get DARK enough - I had to hit my "bottom" - so I would NEVER let ANYONE abuse me ever again.  And I'm happy to say I barely made it out but I am there.

As for the vultures . . . I am SO sorry you had to go through that!!  It's just shocking to me(!) and I absolutely understand what you went through because I've been going through the same thing!  That's why I shut everyone out, except the few people I know I can truly trust (and I mean like three people!!).  My story parallels a Lifetime Movie, so my ultimate goal is to write a book about my experiences the last 11 years.  It's surreal and the fact that I'm still breathing is truly a miracle.  Thank you, KayC!  You're just right here for me and I'm so grateful for you:)

 

[KalB]

Dearest Lost 6263 (I hope you get this!)

You wrote:  "I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly in February to a heart attack. I understand how you feel everyone has gone on with their life and you feel so alone. I have a great support system but still feel so alone. I have also pushed many people away because they just don't understand what I'm going through. I too just keep waiting for a God to take me next...I feel like most times if I'm not trying to stay busy I'm a walking zombie. We were together almost 11 years and as soon a second he died some of his family and friends came around like vultures too. Looking back on the first couple months I should have just waited to do things like my parents said but I wanted to be open to his family and do what they wanted too. It's just material things but it makes me sad that's all they wanted it seems. Everyday I talk to him and whenever I do something I just want to tell him about it. I hold on to the fact that I will see him again."

Wow!  I feel like I was looking in a mirror when I read your story!  Sudden death, right?!  No time to make amends, work things out, get matters settled, say "I'm sorry" or "Goodbye," etc.  I TOTALLY know what you're going through!!!  I finally found a book that talks about loss from a sudden death:  "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye," by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair on Amazon.  I only wished I had found it sooner after my husband's death but it wouldn't have mattered much because I was so overcome with EVERYTHING and still in shock that all I could read were autobiographies and biographies of rock stars!!  I love rock music and so I've read about Stevie Nicks, Aerosmith, Duran Duran, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Heart, and others . . . LOL!  Then I turned to books about grief and what happens to us after we pass.  I KNOW my husband's spirit is alive and well and I just had to understand why in the heck did I survive this?  What am I supposed to do NOW?  What is my purpose on this planet?  I also talk to my husband and I think that helps our healing and yes, you will see your husband again as I will see mine.  I went through so much trauma, both before my husband died and after, so I have extreme anxiety and panic attacks now.  I practice my yoga, just 30-40 minutes a day, and I'm also learning meditation to quiet my mind and stay in the present.  Maybe these things will help you, too.  I am not going to relinquish any of my husbands things until I am ready to do so, and if that takes another year or another ten years then so be it.  The vultures in MY life will just have to wait!  I am SO SORRY for YOUR loss.  Please let me know if and how I can be there for you, too.  

[KalB]

56 minutes ago, Spengler said:

Agreed, and I have the same needs. That's why I began taking ballroom dancing lessons at my local Senior Center. Social interaction, with touching, is critically important, all the more so after losing our partner. And dancing lessons in a group setting are safe, non-sexual, and not an instance of looking for a replacement relationship.

Hi Spengler, I'm just experimenting on how to comment to each specific post so I hope you get this!  That's funny . . . ballroom dancing lessons are on my list, too!!  I LOVE to dance but my husband and I never really danced together.  He had bad knees and a bad back (he was 10 years older than me).  I'm also going to buy another bike because I LOVE long-distance cycling and I'm going to find a used piano and start playing again.  My husband never cared about my playing - never wanted to hear me play.  I suppose that was part of the narcissism.  I have some traveling planned this month so I'll be looking next month for some classes.  Have fun with yours and good for you!!

[KayC]

If you type @ and immediately follow with the person's username, it should spring up with their avitar, you click on that and it will enter it into your message and notify them that they have a response.  But many of us just address the person by name because we all pretty much read all the posts anyway, and that's fine too.  We usually only use the @ when we specifically want the person to see it.

Or you can quote someone (select a passage they wrote and then click on the quote this).

[KalB]

Thank you, KayC!  I appreciate the information and may try experimenting but you're right, we're all benefiting from all the posts so maybe I'll just keep replying as I have.  Hope you are having a great day today!

 

[Lost6263]

On 10/3/2018 at 11:13 AM, KalB said:

Dearest Lost 6263 (I hope you get this!)

You wrote:  "I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly in February to a heart attack. I understand how you feel everyone has gone on with their life and you feel so alone. I have a great support system but still feel so alone. I have also pushed many people away because they just don't understand what I'm going through. I too just keep waiting for a God to take me next...I feel like most times if I'm not trying to stay busy I'm a walking zombie. We were together almost 11 years and as soon a second he died some of his family and friends came around like vultures too. Looking back on the first couple months I should have just waited to do things like my parents said but I wanted to be open to his family and do what they wanted too. It's just material things but it makes me sad that's all they wanted it seems. Everyday I talk to him and whenever I do something I just want to tell him about it. I hold on to the fact that I will see him again."

Wow!  I feel like I was looking in a mirror when I read your story!  Sudden death, right?!  No time to make amends, work things out, get matters settled, say "I'm sorry" or "Goodbye," etc.  I TOTALLY know what you're going through!!!  I finally found a book that talks about loss from a sudden death:  "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye," by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair on Amazon.  I only wished I had found it sooner after my husband's death but it wouldn't have mattered much because I was so overcome with EVERYTHING and still in shock that all I could read were autobiographies and biographies of rock stars!!  I love rock music and so I've read about Stevie Nicks, Aerosmith, Duran Duran, Van Halen, Def Leppard, Heart, and others . . . LOL!  Then I turned to books about grief and what happens to us after we pass.  I KNOW my husband's spirit is alive and well and I just had to understand why in the heck did I survive this?  What am I supposed to do NOW?  What is my purpose on this planet?  I also talk to my husband and I think that helps our healing and yes, you will see your husband again as I will see mine.  I went through so much trauma, both before my husband died and after, so I have extreme anxiety and panic attacks now.  I practice my yoga, just 30-40 minutes a day, and I'm also learning meditation to quiet my mind and stay in the present.  Maybe these things will help you, too.  I am not going to relinquish any of my husbands things until I am ready to do so, and if that takes another year or another ten years then so be it.  The vultures in MY life will just have to wait!  I am SO SORRY for YOUR loss.  Please let me know if and how I can be there for you, too.  

KalB,

I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond. Between work and helping my mother in law ( she's been in the hospital after a fall and surgery) I've had no time lately. Which I guess is sometimes good to keep me busy. I will say it is helpful reading on here about others and what they are dealing with. I have an amazing support system with our families but none of them really get what's going on in my head. I thought he was my super man, I thought we would grow old together sitting in the porch, playing scrabble and annoying the crap out of each other lol, I thought I would wake up every morning with him next to me and watch him dance around the bathroom after getting out of the shower. But that's not my reality. My reality is I'm alone, he is not with me in this life we built together, I will never get another call from him, I won't ever get to take our dogs for a walk with him again. So many things I think about that are in my reality now that just sucks. I'm so sorry for YOUR loss, I wish I could give you some advice but honestly I'm barely keeping it together as it is each day. Some days I just cry and stay in bed. It's been eight months and it still feels the same. Everyone tends to stay clear of me as to not upset me. I prefer to just be around our dogs than humans anyway. I really hope you do what's right for you in your own time. I've let many push me into what they want and I shouldn't have. Stay strong and if you ever want to chat more let me know.

[ForgetMeNot150]

Hi KalB,

I am thankful to Lost6263 for taking so long to reply as it has meant that your post jumped up to the top of the list and I have got to read it as I am new to this site. I can't imagine what you are going through with such a sudden loss in a foreign country but my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband after he struggled with a terminal illness over almost 2 years, so knew what was coming, but just wanted to let you know that it is still complicated! 

A few months before he got sick I had thought of leaving him and taking our kids as he wasn't the easiest person to live with. I even looked at houses to rent but I could never go through with it (I have not admitted this to anyone before). Before I met him, he had been badly hurt by people who were supposed to have loved him (he had two ex-wives and didn't talk to most of his family including his three children from the two wives) so gaining his trust was hard and if I said the wrong thing he would put up his walls and shut himself off from me, often for weeks. He thought I was going to cheat on him more than once, as that is what had happened to him before, but I would never do that as I would hate that to happen to me. When we first met he told me that all he had ever wanted was a family, but he had never felt like he had one. Even though we were together for over 13 years before he got sick he had never allowed himself to be truly happy and appreciate what we had. When he was diagnosed he became a totally different person and the walls finally came down as he saw how devastated I was about losing him and how much I was prepared to look after him and fight for him. Although he had said it many times before, it was only after he was diagnosed that he told me he loved me and I really knew he meant it. 

So even though my situation is very different from yours, I am still struggling with guilt and anger and pain. I think that is just a part of grief. It is so complex and everyday presents a different side of it. I want my husband back with the energy he had two years ago, but as the person that he was just before he passed, which seem like two completely different people.

Although I have been "grieving" since his diagnosis in June last year, this is still very new and raw for me. All I can say is don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure, like my husband, that yours was hurt in the past which made him who he was. My husband was 15 years older than me, and yours 10, so maybe we were just lucky and found real love earlier in life than they did so haven't been so badly hurt? Your husband knew he was loved by you and at the end of the day, that is all he needed to know as nothing else is important. We can't fix broken people, that is something they have to do for themselves. We can only be there for them and love them (sometimes at the detriment of ourselves). 

But there is more in store for us - maybe somewhere in the future we will find men who can be there for us as we have been for others. In the meantime, all we can do now is carry on taking one day at a time and becoming stronger through this (and maybe better ballroom dancers too)  .  I am planning to have a party at some point in the future (when I have a bit more energy) to invite all the lovely people who have been there for me through all this and am going to put on some loud music and dance (not ballroom though) with my two girls until I collapse of exhaustion! (My husband was never a party person as he liked his own space too much so I can just imagine him swearing and moaning about it, but also being proud that I am living life)! 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and no matter how we lose our partners, it is all very similar and the emotions and feelings that we go through are all the same, whilst being unique to each of us.  

Take care and sending you a big hug through cyberspace! ♥

I would also just like to say thank you to everyone on this site who has shared something. Reading your posts has helped me immensely and has made me feel less alone. Special thanks to @KayC and @blackflag for responding to my first post a couple of days ago! Today has been a "good" day when I have managed to get through a day without falling apart, whereas usually just walking past two people holding hands can have me struggling to breathe. I am sure that this is due to reading all of your posts and knowing that I am not alone in my grief, so thank you all.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, ForgetMeNot150 said:

We can't fix broken people, that is something they have to do for themselves. We can only be there for them and love them

That is so true!  I could relate to your post as my kids' dad and I were married 23 years and he NEVER opened up to me or let me in!  He got a divorce and I married George afterwards.  It was hard being married to my kids' dad, with no true intimacy or sharing, Lord knows I tried.  He was a Viet Nam vet and should have gotten help but wouldn't.  It was his 3rd marriage.

George, too, had been through a lot, but difference being he worked through the stuff in his past and got help for it so he was more in a state of readiness, plus we didn't meet until our 40s, he'd had more preparation time.  We were very close, very intimate, shared a very close bond and could really talk to each other.  His death was a shock, I felt we got way too little time together, we'd planned to grow old together!  But alas death comes when it does, ready or not.

You spoke of feeling guilt, I hope you can realize that our feelings and relationships can be very complex and ALL of the feelings we have valid even though sometimes seemingly contradictory, even at the same time! 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

Not suggesting there was abuse, there are more than one way to have "complicated grief", but this is a good article.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/09/complicated-grief-mourning-abusive.html

[Djh0901kc]

Hi Kal

Im sorry you find yourself here. I have to admit that every time I see someone else talk about how their spouses family made their life hell it makes me feel a bit better about my own situation. In the beginning it made me feel like I was a terrible person. I had never heard of such a thing even though I knew my wife’s mental illness was obviously a family trait. That being said, I know how terrible it can make an already awful situation. Like you, I cut out almost everyone in my life and live as a bit of a recluse these days. Hopefully you can find the strength to venture back into the world at some point. Wishing you the best.

[KayC]

Hi Djh,

Have missed seeing you here.  Tomorrow would be our wedding anniversary.  It doesn't get any easier, but we get more used to it I guess, sure as hell takes a long time though. 

 

[Djh0901kc]

Hi Kay,

I don’t get on here a whole lot anymore. Seeing the constant flood of new people makes me sad. I realize I don’t have anything to offer them and nothing anyone says can really help me much either. I’m sorry you had to make it through that day again this year. I know how incredibly hard it is. I truly can’t wrap my mind around how you’ve done this for so long. 16 months in for me and I feel like I’ve gone as far as I can go. The prospect of another 30 years remains terrifying to me. You’re quite a special person to continue encouraging everyone the way you do. This place is so lucky to have you.

[KayC]

I do it the same way you are doing it, one day at a time, and somehow the days/months/years turn into each other and time goes by.  I can't say it gets any easier, only to a point because we adjust somewhat, but then it seems to continue much the same.  Sometimes it's harder than other times, like when we're going through something hard in life and don't have them here to talk to, incredible how much we miss their support.  If I could just have him hold me one more time, even just five more minutes, it'd mean the world to me, but then you know that, we all feel that way.

I seldom sob anymore, once in a while a tear escapes, the overflow I guess, mostly I just carry it in my heart, the sadness we can't explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

[KalB]

On 10/15/2018 at 9:37 PM, Lost6263 said:

KalB,

I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond. Between work and helping my mother in law ( she's been in the hospital after a fall and surgery) I've had no time lately. Which I guess is sometimes good to keep me busy. I will say it is helpful reading on here about others and what they are dealing with. I have an amazing support system with our families but none of them really get what's going on in my head. I thought he was my super man, I thought we would grow old together sitting in the porch, playing scrabble and annoying the crap out of each other lol, I thought I would wake up every morning with him next to me and watch him dance around the bathroom after getting out of the shower. But that's not my reality. My reality is I'm alone, he is not with me in this life we built together, I will never get another call from him, I won't ever get to take our dogs for a walk with him again. So many things I think about that are in my reality now that just sucks. I'm so sorry for YOUR loss, I wish I could give you some advice but honestly I'm barely keeping it together as it is each day. Some days I just cry and stay in bed. It's been eight months and it still feels the same. Everyone tends to stay clear of me as to not upset me. I prefer to just be around our dogs than humans anyway. I really hope you do what's right for you in your own time. I've let many push me into what they want and I shouldn't have. Stay strong and if you ever want to chat more let me know.

Good Morning Lost 6263 . . . thank you for responding and no apologies needed.  Ever!  The only people who completely understand what we're all going through are those who are grieving a loss of their own.  It's just that simple and I've accepted it and I'm trying not to take it all as a personal rejection.  A lot of friends my husband and I had together have virtually disappeared since Ed died.  They just can't relate and I believe many of them are not comfortable talking about grief, loss, dying and death until they are faced with it themselves.

I just returned from a trip with my oldest sister and while it was fun and relaxing I took my grief with me.  So many triggers . . . the motorcycles riding the Blue Ridge Parkway (that SHOULD have been Ed and me!), the wonderful restaurants (Ed and I loved fine dining), the beautiful scenery (we loved to travel) . . . etc., etc., etc.  I prayed and journaled and practiced yoga and meditation and cried - goodness did I cry!  I just kept letting it all flow through me and I wrote Ed letters.  I'm just so upset that Ed took half of me with him when he died.  My goodness - we had so many plans!  My sister and I watched one of our favorite movies, "The Wedding Singer," and that song at the end:  "I Want to Grow Old With You!"  That was our song.  Of course, more tears.  It just wasn't meant to be.  Ed was not the one I am supposed to grow old with. 

I believe in the power of love and the power of forgiveness and I have hope.  As long as we have hope we have a reason to get up every morning and life our lives with gratitude.  There's a reason we're all still here and I believe once we figure that out we can begin to look forward to each day because we have purpose.  Let's keep chatting!  Let's keep supporting each other.  Let's move THROUGH this.  My greatest fear is getting stuck in my grief.  I don't want to do that.  This sucks right now but I have to believe better days are ahead.  I've been through the worst . . . I'm now looking forward to the "better!"  Sending you much love and hugs today:)

[KalB]

On 10/17/2018 at 4:45 AM, ForgetMeNot150 said:

Hi KalB,

I am thankful to Lost6263 for taking so long to reply as it has meant that your post jumped up to the top of the list and I have got to read it as I am new to this site. I can't imagine what you are going through with such a sudden loss in a foreign country but my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband after he struggled with a terminal illness over almost 2 years, so knew what was coming, but just wanted to let you know that it is still complicated! 

A few months before he got sick I had thought of leaving him and taking our kids as he wasn't the easiest person to live with. I even looked at houses to rent but I could never go through with it (I have not admitted this to anyone before). Before I met him, he had been badly hurt by people who were supposed to have loved him (he had two ex-wives and didn't talk to most of his family including his three children from the two wives) so gaining his trust was hard and if I said the wrong thing he would put up his walls and shut himself off from me, often for weeks. He thought I was going to cheat on him more than once, as that is what had happened to him before, but I would never do that as I would hate that to happen to me. When we first met he told me that all he had ever wanted was a family, but he had never felt like he had one. Even though we were together for over 13 years before he got sick he had never allowed himself to be truly happy and appreciate what we had. When he was diagnosed he became a totally different person and the walls finally came down as he saw how devastated I was about losing him and how much I was prepared to look after him and fight for him. Although he had said it many times before, it was only after he was diagnosed that he told me he loved me and I really knew he meant it. 

So even though my situation is very different from yours, I am still struggling with guilt and anger and pain. I think that is just a part of grief. It is so complex and everyday presents a different side of it. I want my husband back with the energy he had two years ago, but as the person that he was just before he passed, which seem like two completely different people.

Although I have been "grieving" since his diagnosis in June last year, this is still very new and raw for me. All I can say is don't be so hard on yourself. I am sure, like my husband, that yours was hurt in the past which made him who he was. My husband was 15 years older than me, and yours 10, so maybe we were just lucky and found real love earlier in life than they did so haven't been so badly hurt? Your husband knew he was loved by you and at the end of the day, that is all he needed to know as nothing else is important. We can't fix broken people, that is something they have to do for themselves. We can only be there for them and love them (sometimes at the detriment of ourselves). 

But there is more in store for us - maybe somewhere in the future we will find men who can be there for us as we have been for others. In the meantime, all we can do now is carry on taking one day at a time and becoming stronger through this (and maybe better ballroom dancers too)  .  I am planning to have a party at some point in the future (when I have a bit more energy) to invite all the lovely people who have been there for me through all this and am going to put on some loud music and dance (not ballroom though) with my two girls until I collapse of exhaustion! (My husband was never a party person as he liked his own space too much so I can just imagine him swearing and moaning about it, but also being proud that I am living life)! 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and no matter how we lose our partners, it is all very similar and the emotions and feelings that we go through are all the same, whilst being unique to each of us.  

Take care and sending you a big hug through cyberspace! ♥

I would also just like to say thank you to everyone on this site who has shared something. Reading your posts has helped me immensely and has made me feel less alone. Special thanks to @KayC and @blackflag for responding to my first post a couple of days ago! Today has been a "good" day when I have managed to get through a day without falling apart, whereas usually just walking past two people holding hands can have me struggling to breathe. I am sure that this is due to reading all of your posts and knowing that I am not alone in my grief, so thank you all.

Good Morning ForgetMeNot150!

How lovely to hear from you and thank you.  I just returned from a trip - thus the delay in my responding.  Even though your husband died from a terminal illness (I'm so sorry) we do indeed have many parallels.  It's fascinating actually!  My husband was horribly abused as a little boy by his father and that just set the stage for the man he would later become.  He was so damaged I honestly questioned whether or not he was even capable of giving and receiving love.  He had virtually no empathy and was so controlling, manipulative and abusive.  He was basically my mother - I married my mother!  Looking back, long before Ed and I met, I had chosen several other men who were also like my mother.  I guess I had been carrying all those unresolved issues from MY childhood - we all do! 

I am learning so much about our souls' true purpose in this Earthly realm and it is helping me manage my grief more than anything.  There was a REASON why I chose to be with Ed - lessons I needed to learn.  Well I sure did learn them this time!  I am such a different person now - a better person now.  Good for you that you're planning a lovely party for all those people who have supported you!  I just need to find a place to live and then I can start making those kind of plans, too - ha!  Dance lessons are definitely on my bucket list, as are getting a new bicycle, playing the piano again, volunteering, traveling, and writing my book!  Most importantly:  loving and taking care of my Self for the first time in my life.  The thought of allowing another man into my world seems years away, if ever.  I do know, however, if that is part of the "Plan" I will be with my new partner for the RIGHT reasons and I must love myself first.  Oprah said the biggest betrayal we can have is the betrayal of ourselves . . . not protecting ourselves and allowing others to harm us.  Powerful!  I've lived my entire life that way but no more!  I'm actually good with being by myself.  I don't want to take care of someone else anymore.  I want to be complete and meet someone who is also complete so we can join together and share our lives for the right reasons - not spend our whole relationship trying to "fix" each other.  That's not only impossible but it takes too much energy! 

So onward I go with this beautiful day!  When you see two people together who are holding hands be happy for them.  You never know their situation.  Ed and I used to hold hands and no one ever knew what was REALLY going on.  We were fooling everyone, including ourselves - yikes! 

May our lost partners rest in peace, love, joy and freedom.

P.S.  I went to New Zealand years ago with my mom - just loved it there! 

[KalB]

On 10/23/2018 at 6:13 PM, Djh0901kc said:

Hi Kay,

I don’t get on here a whole lot anymore. Seeing the constant flood of new people makes me sad. I realize I don’t have anything to offer them and nothing anyone says can really help me much either. I’m sorry you had to make it through that day again this year. I know how incredibly hard it is. I truly can’t wrap my mind around how you’ve done this for so long. 16 months in for me and I feel like I’ve gone as far as I can go. The prospect of another 30 years remains terrifying to me. You’re quite a special person to continue encouraging everyone the way you do. This place is so lucky to have you.

Dear Djh0901kc,

My heart aches for you - literally.  I can just feel your pain right now and I'm truly sorry for your loss.  Thank God for KayC!  I'm so grateful to her (and many others) who are on this forum encouraging and supporting all of us.  It's been a long struggle for KayC but look at how she's now able to help so many people.  She's proven to us that none of us will ever completely get over losing our loved ones.  Grief and loss have to be managed and some days are going to be better than others. 

You indicated, "16 months in for me and I feel like I've gone as far as I can go.  The prospect of another 30 years remains terrifying to me." 

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I'm not sure of the circumstances surrounding your wife's passing - that doesn't even matter.  What matters is that she's gone and you're still here!  You still have this wonderful gift of LIFE.  When I "surrendered" my life and horrible situation to God (and when I say horrible I mean I KNEW the next time my husband and I fought he was literally going to kill me) I just gave it all up and let the Universe take over.  I accepted my fate, no matter what, even if that meant I was going to die a painful death.  Then, as my story goes, my husband died THE NEXT DAY in a motorcycle accident!!  So there's been some "trippy" mind games going on in my head ever since my husband died and I just literally wanted to die myself.  I never experienced that much pain - EVER.  I literally thought I was going to die from a heartbreak heart attack.  It happens, you know.  Yet everyday I kept waking up and decided since God wasn't ready for me yet then I needed to understand WHY AM I HERE?!  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?!  I put it out there and the answers just poured in.

I'm still struggling, of course, but my perspective has changed tremendously.  Our lives DO have meaning and purpose!  We ARE here for a reason.  My journey of discovering what that is for me has been fascinating and it's the most important thing that is keeping me going.  Understanding, forgiveness, gratitude, hope . . . don't give up!  Maybe the next 30 years will end up being the BEST 30 years of your life!!  You make it through this and you can make it through anything, right?!  This is perhaps the toughest thing you've ever had to deal with but look how strong you're getting every day!  You're still here . . . I'm still here . . . KayC is still here . . . we're ALL still here!!  There's a REASON!  Discover your reason and your life will have new meaning and your grief, even though it will never completely go away will, at the very least, become more manageable and you'll smile once again:)

Sending many prayers of love and peace your way today.

 

[Djh0901kc]

Thank you

[KayC]

Kal, true enough, but it can take years to find purpose, let alone build a life you can live.  I imagine the time line is different for us all.  But this is neither quick nor easy.  Yes, we learn to do our time.