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My only son is gone by his own decision


Elisabeth Koppa

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Elisabeth Koppa

In age of 41 Alexander my only son. Beautiful, intelligent, funny, talented,well educated, world experienced and traveler and so much more, experienced difficulty to sleep and relax. He called middle of nights to tell me he left home for walk to get fresh air,  to not wake his fiance moving around the house. It was just a few weeks before he decided to take his life. 

The 1st of March this year after all this 41 years of his life  he visited doctor , a specialist looking for help. He got Lithium two weeks later the 15 th of March  the doctor asked him to double the portion. Next day he hang himself.

I can't describe my grief and pain. I can't stop to see him in the last moments. I talk to him. I pray many times a day , I have his pictures everywhere. 

I am getting crazy sorrow and  anger. I blame everyone for what happened. The doctor to not tell us about the medication, the girlfriend - leaving him alone knowing  how sick he was.  Most of all my self the mother who did not spoted the danger .What I could do to save him????. God help me to get some wisdom. You who have the same experience please help me to understand  what happened. I am missing him so much . I loved him so much , so much !!!. He was my baby I was waiting  for 12 years. The only baby I got. I hope there is a life after death . If so, I am willing to go where he is now.The pain I have 24/7 is unbearable even it is already 6 months since he is gone. It feels it is more of it every day.  Help me please who ever can. 

Elisabeth 

 

 

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elisabeth I am so sorry for your loss, your only child too how incredibly painful. I have not been on the forum for a while so did not see your asking for help and advice sorry. Your precious boy had a mental disorder of some kind that he obviously really struggled with. Lithium is usually prescribed for bi polar disorder. Maybe the double dose did cause him to lose himself temporarily and contribute to what he did. maybe he just was not happy with the stigma of that diagnosis. Maybe he had had depression for a long time that he had kept hidden for a long time. You will sadly not get the answer you would need to hear. You are not to blame it was his decision. Time goes by and it is still a huge struggle to cope with losing your child. I read somewhere that it takes on average 5 to 7 years to finally have some acceptance and peace but we are all different in the way we grieve and how. Some parents get stuck in a loop of depression others get the help they need and are able to heal more quickly it depends on the individual. Know you are not alone in feeling the desperate way you do, we all have wanted to just quit life or doubted that we would ever find some happiness again ever. You have made it to 6 months well done you. Take it a day at a time my dear

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