New Frustrations

[Epope]

I had written a post about how I chose not to know the cause of my sweet Derek's passing a few weeks ago. I knew it wouldn't serve me, it would give me no peace. I stated this to his mother and was adamant about it. She is an attorney, one who quite frankly didn't know her son and did a poor job raising him, and her regrets in life have led her to open an investigation (since there was obvious sings of recreational drug use - prescription pills). Not only did I receive a call at work from the police asking me to come in a answer some questions, but his mother talked my ear off and disclosed the supposed cause of death. I am extremely frustrated. I have worked hard to try to come to peace with seeing my beloved Derek's lifeless body in the yard, and have made peace with with the choice he decided to make that ultimately was a poor one. Now, I feel as though I have been brought back to square one. I feel like by going in for "questioning" (I was out of town when this occurred, and answered questions as police searched our house on that horrible day so I have nothing to offer), the police are just going to drag me back to June 17th and I'll be stuck there again for some time. I stated to his mother "i want no part in any investigation. I do not want to know anything. I just want to live this life left in peace" and she has taken that away from me. I had told the police when they first called that I'd be happy to answer any questions anytime, but after that I realized that the trauma of that day has returned. The days following that call have made me weak in my mind and body. I'm just so frustrated. 

[Sunflower2]

7 hours ago, Epope said:

I had written a post about how I chose not to know the cause of my sweet Derek's passing a few weeks ago. I knew it wouldn't serve me, it would give me no peace. I stated this to his mother and was adamant about it. She is an attorney, one who quite frankly didn't know her son and did a poor job raising him, and her regrets in life have led her to open an investigation (since there was obvious sings of recreational drug use - prescription pills). Not only did I receive a call at work from the police asking me to come in a answer some questions, but his mother talked my ear off and disclosed the supposed cause of death. I am extremely frustrated. I have worked hard to try to come to peace with seeing my beloved Derek's lifeless body in the yard, and have made peace with with the choice he decided to make that ultimately was a poor one. Now, I feel as though I have been brought back to square one. I feel like by going in for "questioning" (I was out of town when this occurred, and answered questions as police searched our house on that horrible day so I have nothing to offer), the police are just going to drag me back to June 17th and I'll be stuck there again for some time. I stated to his mother "i want no part in any investigation. I do not want to know anything. I just want to live this life left in peace" and she has taken that away from me. I had told the police when they first called that I'd be happy to answer any questions anytime, but after that I realized that the trauma of that day has returned. The days following that call have made me weak in my mind and body. I'm just so frustrated. 

This is a suggestion not advice.  ask the police directly if your involvement is needed in this investigation. Be as focused as possible. Explain your loss is recent and raw.  From your heart simply state it is triggering the trauma. state you need to find peace.

the number one concern is you!  Your emotional and physical health is your concern.   Remove yourself and create what you need to navigate through your personal grief. It may be time for you to set boundaries with this mother.  Firm boundaries.  Again I do not know the family dynamics and the role you had within this family. These suggestions may not be necessary or even applicable to your situation. Take a step back and evaluate your needs and your comfort level.  You are vulnerable.  It is natural to be vulnerable after a loss.  Be kind and loving to yourself.  you are not responsible for how his mother decides to process her grief.  You are not responsible for her needs.

I don't know the specifics. I'm not an attorney.  If they insist you are needed for questioning ask why.  If you are not feeling comfortable with the direction this is going in then you have to ask yourself if it is necessary for you to have counsel.  

 

[Epope]

 

 

12 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

You are vulnerable.  It is natural to be vulnerable after a loss.  Be kind and loving to yourself.  you are not responsible for how his mother decides to process her grief.  You are not responsible for her needs.

 

@Sunflower2 Thank you for your response and what you said is so true. The dysfunction in the family is clear, but I did have a kind and caring relationship with each and every one of Derek's family members. There was no hostility whatsoever, but I am growing increasingly frustrated with his mother. I have contacted her telling her that this is triggering things that are not healthy for me, and I don't have anything I can offer. This blindsided me more than it did her, and I'm just trying my hardest to survive this. She stated it is my right and my choice to answer questions - and that she will not force me to do anything I don't want to do. The damage is still done, telling me things I hoped to never have to hear, and now imagining my sweet Derek struggling. It tears out whats left of my heart. I just want him to rest, for his soul to have peace, and for us all to have peace, as well. 

[KayC]

If the police had needed to question you, they know how to find you!  You might tell them you would rather not know anything more, that you're having a hard enough time dealing with his being gone.  I agree with what Sunflower said, that you need to put yourself number one priority right now.  I wish you could turn back the clock and unhear the things his mother told you.  I hope you're seeing a professional grief counselor.

Bear in mind that regardless of what Derek went through, he is now at peace and would want you to feel at peace also.  It may take some time and effort to process your grief, but you'll get there.