The one year anniversary

[Sunflower2]

Not sure where to begin.  The one year was the 24th of September.  The atomic bomb did not fall. I survived in wholeness.  It was a blend of memories and beautiful spaces I let unfold.

The day is a day on the calendar.  I didn't focus on the prep work and plans for that day as many suggest be done. Instead I began to approach this anniversary 3 weeks prior to that day.  I did it my way.  The way I needed to do it with love and self care and the support of all my angels.

I was mindful of the day he actually died suddenly.   The Sunday prior to the actual calendar date.  Sunday was gorgeous.  I walked on the Riverwalk. I let the day unfold by the seconds. Those that I physically shared moments with were uplifting energy connections that kept me spiritually uplifted. Those were the same connections I would allow myself to be open to 3 weeks prior to "the anniversary." 

I could feel Wayne's many beautiful energy surges and nudges.  They brought joy. On that Sunday the joy removed the tears. 

Those 3 weeks prior I stayed mindful and listened to every signal my spirit, body and mind was sending,  I left myself open to receive.  

I set guilt, regrets, anger aside.  It was doable.  Doable for that moment knowing the pain, the sadness, the uncontrollable emotions, the tears and nightmares would return.  I reflected back to where I was a year ago.  The numbness and shock and despair was not as intense,  It is there but lighter.  Still deep and painful and still so much uncertainty exists. I made steady slow and painful movement forward. What a gift! 

I started the actual date of the 24th as any other day. I was tired but a peaceful tired.  I did yoga and one errand and came home to take in the necessary stillness and space needed. I slept beautifully that night. 

For that beautiful Sunday I transformed the suffering into peace, joy and liberation.  I stayed mindful on the beauty of our love. 

This is my journey. We move through it our own way. This is how I worked it.  Did I love him less because for that day I could transcend the suffering and the pain?  Absolutely not!  It is his love and his energy that is supporting me on this journey.  It was the universe/God, my angels and my mom's energy who I just lost 3 months ago today.  Her love, her strength and how she lived her life was amazing.  Her nudges This was support.  The visuals of her love too.

Now I begin to continue to stay mindlful as my birthday is next month,  Last year was my first without him.  It was as excruciating as the day he left.  It is on Halloween so maybe Wayne's energy will be in the goblins, the pumpkins and the witches, xo

and humor...the best medicine 

 

 

 

 

[HPB]

Very mature and wise!

I doubt if I'll ever be able or wanting to cope in such a sane manner.

Congratulations, and have a good continuation of the nevertheless sad journey!

[LeannC45]

3 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

Not sure where to begin.  The one year was the 24th of September.  The atomic bomb did not fall. I survived in wholeness.  It was a blend of memories and beautiful spaces I let unfold.

The day is a day on the calendar.  I didn't focus on the prep work and plans for that day as many suggest be done. Instead I began to approach this anniversary 3 weeks prior to that day.  I did it my way.  The way I needed to do it with love and self care and the support of all my angels.

I was mindful of the day he actually died suddenly.   The Sunday prior to the actual calendar date.  Sunday was gorgeous.  I walked on the Riverwalk. I let the day unfold by the seconds. Those that I physically shared moments with were uplifting energy connections that kept me spiritually uplifted. Those were the same connections I would allow myself to be open to 3 weeks prior to "the anniversary." 

I could feel Wayne's many beautiful energy surges and nudges.  They brought joy. On that Sunday the joy removed the tears. 

Those 3 weeks prior I stayed mindful and listened to every signal my spirit, body and mind was sending,  I left myself open to receive.  

I set guilt, regrets, anger aside.  It was doable.  Doable for that moment knowing the pain, the sadness, the uncontrollable emotions, the tears and nightmares would return.  I reflected back to where I was a year ago.  The numbness and shock and despair was not as intense,  It is there but lighter.  Still deep and painful and still so much uncertainty exists. I made steady slow and painful movement forward. What a gift! 

I started the actual date of the 24th as any other day. I was tired but a peaceful tired.  I did yoga and one errand and came home to take in the necessary stillness and space needed. I slept beautifully that night. 

For that beautiful Sunday I transformed the suffering into peace, joy and liberation.  I stayed mindful on the beauty of our love. 

This is my journey. We move through it our own way. This is how I worked it.  Did I love him less because for that day I could transcend the suffering and the pain?  Absolutely not!  It is his love and his energy that is supporting me on this journey.  It was the universe/God, my angels and my mom's energy who I just lost 3 months ago today.  Her love, her strength and how she lived her life was amazing.  Her nudges This was support.  The visuals of her love too.

Now I begin to continue to stay mindlful as my birthday is next month,  Last year was my first without him.  It was as excruciating as the day he left.  It is on Halloween so maybe Wayne's energy will be in the goblins, the pumpkins and the witches, xo

and humor...the best medicine 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for the beautiful share. I have a fear of the one year anniversary of my husband being gone. I am almost at 9 months and as of today I am at work going through the motions of my life. I had a very hard last four days with a migraine and grief that wouldn't let go of me. It takes me by surprise when I take a couple steps forward and then I literally fall backwards with despair and pain. 

I want to handle the one year mark with peace, love and memories that warm my heart and make me remember all that I loved about my husband. I will have to wait and see how things unfold because as we all know this journey doesn't come with a rule book or permission when the emotions take over your mind and the ache tightens around your heart. I will aspire to transcend the hurt for that day as it seems you did. One day at a time for now.

[Sunflower2]

4 hours ago, HPB said:

I doubt if I'll ever be able or wanting to cope in such a sane manner.

 HPB even a couple months ago I didn't feel this could be possible. I take tiny baby steps.  I believed even at the weakest moments these tiny baby steps would get me somewhere. I still have no idea as to where they are going to take me. My life is filled with uncertainties.  I try to allow myself to begin to accept that it will be ok but different.  I'm still trying  I work toward this.  I did not feel this as ever being a possibility.  I couldn't imagine it being a possibility because I was so shattered.  Part of me remains shattered.   I had people promise me it would get lighter. I begged them to promise.  I trusted.  I believed.  I held on to the thinnest frayed thread imaginable.  I didn't feel I was even going to survive. I still have many moments where I feel that.  What I did know is that I was determined I was going to climb out of that darkness.  I did know I wanted to find peace with what didn't make sense.  We all want that. This is a long journey.  Do not compare.  You're where you need to be in this process. Be kind to yourself.  It is said that even as we struggle through this difficult time we are gaining strength and wisdom that help us further down the road.  I did not trust that. I couldn't imagine it. I found myself eventually in a place where I had to trust. I had to belief or I would not have survived.  

Love and Lightness 

 

 

 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

I reflected back to where I was a year ago.  The numbness and shock and despair was not as intense,  It is there but lighter.  Still deep and painful and still so much uncertainty exists.

 

8 hours ago, Sunflower2 said:

It is his love and his energy that is supporting me on this journey.  It was the universe/God, my angels and my mom's energy who I just lost 3 months ago today.

I'd wondered how the day went for you, thank you for sharing with us.  You handled it with the grace that you are.  

And I like that you did it your way.