I miss my big brother

[Lovely Day]

My big brother shot himself on 3/25/18. He was always my protector. And I feel so much guilt from not protecting him. It was my turn to protect him. In my head I keep thinking that I failed miserably. My therapist said I have to let go of the guilt. But I cant. In my head letting go of it means I'm ok with his choice to leave me. And that hurts too much. And ideas or tricks to letting go? Because at this point I can only cry when I think of letting the guilt go.

[Maxmax26]

On the very same boat, it’s only been a few weeks my brother passed away during a psychotic episode while visiting my dying mother outside the country. It’s a tragic loss he was almost done with law school, he reached out to me and I didn’t realize what was happening. He saved my life 10 years ago when I was ill... I feel like I failed him. I feel like no one understands and I can’t convince myself of a lie. I have to be the strong one for the family but I just don’t know how to live with this guilt. I feel stuck in a nightmare there is no waking up from. Every morning I wake up it’s like finding out again, as if my brain doesn’t want to accept reality. 

[Lovely Day]

I'm so sorry. It's so very hard to accept. But if you're like me, you have a train wreck of emotions. All at the same time you're mad sad love him and miss him unbelievably bad. 

I hope you can find comfort at some point. Me, I'm still looking. 

You will stay in my prayers and my heart.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Lovely Day,

I’m so sad for you on the loss of your brother. I think what your feeling is natural in grieving. I felt that way too about my brother that I lost in November. Logically we know their deaths aren’t our faults and that we could and did try so hard to protect and keep them safe, but it’s still natural to feel the guilt. The guilt is there even though their deaths were NOT our faults. The deep pain of the loss and so many other things that go a long with a traumatic death of a sibling is all encompassing. I picture my arms around my brother, our souls connected and send him love. I talk to him and tell him, I wish I could have kept him safe. I love him and I know he knew that and his soul can still feel it. My heart breaks thinking my brother felt so alone. I picture him safe now, surrounded by white light at peace and no longer struggling. When I have the guilt thoughts, I focus on immediately thinking of a good memory of my brother. I say to myself “I forgive myself”, “I forgive (whatever the thought may be). I do it as much as I need to and it has helped. It takes time to process emotion and loss and so try and help yourself by knowing you will eventually be able to break those circling thoughts. You do that by what I said above and making a promise to yourself that you will give yourself time, but that you will keep moving forward. Moving forward just means waking up every day and getting out of bed, eating, feeling your feelings and then for so many hours in that day trying to complete work, or some activity. Writing is obviously a good one. Write out everything you feel. I right a sentence a night. If it’s a healing thought I fold it and put it in a box next to my bed. If it’s one of my hurt, anger, or pain...I write it and then rip it up and throw it away to put action in to the fact that it no longer serves me and is out of my mind and body. Hugs to you. I know it hurts to lose the one you loved so dearly.