It's been 3 months.

[Juxtaposing_Jinx]

This may be jumbled, I'm just writing what comes to mind. I've got to get these thoughts out of my mind.

 

It was June 19, 2018. He was thirty two years old. It was one month until his 3rd year anniversary of his heart transplant. We were supposed to go to a concert to celebrate it. It was just three months before our sixth year anniversary. It was four months after we picked out my engagement ring. Five months before his 33rd birthday and two months before my 26th. I am broken and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking what I could have done differently. I could've made him go to the hospital sooner. I should've recognized the symptoms. I should have known he was in rejection. I just thought his symptoms were from his depression, from losing his mom and brother a few years back. I don't know if he missed his pills on purpose. I should have made him go to the hospital sooner. I feel like I let him down. I couldn't help him. I watched him suffer and helped him through it for six years but I couldn't save him this time.

There were times near the end where I got frustrated with him. Sometimes I let the frustration show. His health was declining, his kidneys were damaged due to medications he had to take after the transplant and he was diagnosed with diabetes. He had to quit working due to these health problems and the stress. Money was tight, we were fighting SS/disability to try to get his insurance back (they didn't seem to think he needed it though he couldn't work) and I couldn't make him go to the doctor no matter what I tried. He didn't want medical bills to pile up where we couldn't pay them. Where I couldn't pay them if he were to pass. I just hope he knows I love him so much and I'm sorry I got frustrated. I hope he knows he mattered more than anyone to me. If he ever doubted that, I want him to know I'm sorry that he did.

I've been suppressing my grief, partly to stay strong because my mom needed help through a major surgery and partly because I am so afraid I won't survive if I let myself feel it. But nights like tonight I can't hold it in anymore, it's those wracking, silent sobs where you can't catch your breath and the tears are continuously falling. I've been crying for hours tonight. My heart hurts with the emptiness that is left. I hurt with the memories and the all the things that 'could have been'. He was my best friend. I'm so alone. 

We were supposed to get married and go to the beach and Scotland and find a house all to ourselves. It wasn't supposed to end like this. I keep replaying that day in my head. I see them performing CPR on him as they were rushing me to the family waiting room. I hear him struggling for breath. I see the faces of the doctors coming to tell me he didn't make it and they tried for forty minutes to revive him. I remember walking in and seeing him in that hospital bed in the same room his brother died in years earlier and my world crashed around me. I was there for him both times when his mom and brother died, but he can't be here for me. I;m having trouble getting that day to stop replaying in my head.

 

People tell me they are praying for me but what kind of God would make him suffer for six years and then let him die like this? How can I possibly turn to God and how can they expect me to? I've never been religious really, and I find it hard to start now. There are times when I have considered therapy but I don't know if they'd think I was wasting my time. It's only been three months after all.

 

[Sheena0426]

Juxtaposing_Jinx,

 We are in the same situation. The love of my life was taken away from me suddenly just over a month ago although he was suffering from various health problems years prior. I just didnt expect that he'll be taken away from me abruptly without warning. I feel your deep pain and i can relate that people are telling us to be strong and to pray. Majority of them dont really understand us except for those who really went through this road. I understand the sorrow, the desperation loneliness and emptiness and the future which is completely gone. Same as you we were about to get married and already planned our future together... My baby was only 30. He is my everything. Words cant really describe how much i love him. I know you are plagued by the question "why him" "why us". We all are. But sad to say no one ever can answer it except God. I know its damn hard to go on with this life without our loved one but we are left with no choice. I still believe that God has His purpose for us and has great plans for us although we still cant see it for now. I.think we have to slowly accept that The  journey of our loved one here on earth is already fulfilled.  But i want to guarantee you that your loved one is with you and he can hear you.. talk to him because he never left you.. im  sorry cause i cant also give you comfort but i just want to share my experience so you will know that you are not alone. Cry, scream, do what you feel is right for yourself.  stay brave. we all have to. 

[Springshine]

Juxtaposing_jinx,

I’m sorry you’ve been forced to join this club. I’m struggling with some of the same issues. 

I can relate to you on so many levels. My husband died from brain cancer and for 8 months he slowly lost his mind. He had no memory and often didn’t make sense, conversations were a jumble of misfirings in his head. He couldn’t walk well, or function but thought he could. I am lucky in that I have a job that allowed me to work from home so I was with him 24/7 up to the moment he passed in our home almost three months ago 6/27. I got frustrated with him too, and it still bothers me that I did. He wasn’t himself. But I think, he’s out there still, on another plane, and he knows and he understands. I don’t know if it’s true or pure bs, but it makes me feel better in the moment, so I choose to believe that.

I do not believe in god. I have no use for a god that would allow this kind of suffering. I was not a believer before he got sick, and certainly am not one now. However, the universe is a mysterious place, I can still believe there is more without believing in god.

I want to tell people thanks for the prayers guys, but they are for you not for me. Just think of me and sit with me in my grief, that’s all I ask.

I don’t know how to navigate this either. Just know, something that helps me, you’re not alone and your not crazy.

[KayC]

Juxta,

I am so sorry, June 19 is the date my husband left this world also, 13 years ago.  It was five days after his 51st birthday, we'd only known each other 6 1/2 years, been married 3 years 8 months.  Why did it take us until our 40s to find each other!  Why did he die so young!  I've never found any answers to the "whys" and finally quit asking.  

This is something that shakes even the strongest faith to the core.  Your questions are ones I think we've all asked.  I don't think God wills this like some people think...we live in a fallen world where things are no longer perfect and Satan has the reins right now, but God will restore everything one day and we'll have our perfect world back.  Meanwhile we're suffering the consequences of this fallen world, things are out of kilter, and although this wasn't his original design for us, He's come up with a redemptive plan for us, one of restoration and hope.  I so look forward to being with my husband again someday!  That is my hope and what keeps me going.  I can tell you that the first year after my George's death, it was hard to pray, I felt like God was a million miles away...I think I was so steeped in my grief, that is all I could feel.  I realized later that God literally carried me, I look back and I don't know how I made it through this, I didn't see how I could live without George for a week, let alone the whole rest of my life!  

It's been 13 years now...it took me probably three years just to process my grief, more years yet to find purpose, and even more years to build a life I could live.  It's been hard, the hardest thing I've ever been through, and if you knew my life, you'd know that says a lot.  

I know one thing, we don't need anyone telling us how to do our grief or how long it's taking...it takes what it takes and for most of us, that's the rest of our lives.  How we do it, that's up to us.  I can share with you what has helped me on my journey...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Juxtaposing_Jinx]

KayC, Spring, Sheena,

I truly appreciate your responses. I wish it were under different circumstances that we had interacted. It's hard to really get this out to my family and friends because they haven't gone through this. I appreciate all of the different suggestions you had KayC.

Springshine, I understand what you mean. I've never really been a religious person and it's hard to start now. Where I'm from, to admit to those kind of thoughts is blasphemy and I'd probably be disowned from my family. So I feel like I have to bite my tongue.

Sheena, it is a kind of 'relief' to speak with those who are going through similar situations. To know I'm not alone even when I feel it, it helps.

[knagle30]

Jinx,

I just found this forum today. I lost my husband of 19 years less than 2 weeks ago. He had also struggled with many health issues for years. He went in for what would have been a fairly simple surgery for someone in good health, and was gone exactly 2 weeks later. I always figured he would go before me, but he was only 48. During his stay in the ICU, it was a roller coaster, some good days, then bad days, then the worst day, when the doctors said there was no more they could do. It's not fair.

I also agree with you about the religious stuff. My parents are very religious, but having gone through cancer and multiple health issues myself, I've pulled away. I have the same thoughts, why me? Why him? Ours wasn't a perfect marriage (who's is?) but we were best friends and loved spending time together; we could still talk for hours about everything and nothing and enjoy each other's company. I miss that companionship most of all. We had just started planning what to do for our 20th anniversary. Ugh.

I'm starting a grief group week after next and I'm interested to see how that goes. I also wanted to mention that I found this cool show on Facebook Watch, called "Sorry For Your Loss." It's about a young wife who lost her husband and how she's dealing with the flood of feelings while trying to get back to "normal". I was in tears many times during the episodes I watched.

[ModKatB]

Juxtaposing_Jinx  Sheena0426  Springshine knagle30

I lost my husband Feb 9th to cancer and had he been here now we would be celebrating our 22nd anniversary Oct 19th. I miss him so much and would give anything to have him back, but I have finally been able to smile every now and then as I am remembering him. I still have those days where I don't want to even get out of bed or even open my eyes. This journey is long, hard and painful, but you are not alone. I have started writing again to try and get free of some of the emotions bottled up inside and it seems to help. I am including something I have written about the way life feels to me. I wish for all of you that you will be able to find peace and maybe a smile.

Silence and Tears

　

Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you.

Now I know and it is only, silence and tears.

Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's

for dinner tonight, just silence and tears.

Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do.

Only to return to home to silence and tears.

I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed.

No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears.

I am having to learn to live without you.

No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears.

Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone.

Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears.

No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath.

Nothing to stop the silence and tears.

I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side.

Anything at all to stop the silence and tears.

Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in

and not just, silence and tears. KB

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, knagle30 said:

Jinx,

I just found this forum today. I lost my husband of 19 years less than 2 weeks ago. He had also struggled with many health issues for years. He went in for what would have been a fairly simple surgery for someone in good health, and was gone exactly 2 weeks later. I always figured he would go before me, but he was only 48. During his stay in the ICU, it was a roller coaster, some good days, then bad days, then the worst day, when the doctors said there was no more they could do. It's not fair.

I also agree with you about the religious stuff. My parents are very religious, but having gone through cancer and multiple health issues myself, I've pulled away. I have the same thoughts, why me? Why him? Ours wasn't a perfect marriage (who's is?) but we were best friends and loved spending time together; we could still talk for hours about everything and nothing and enjoy each other's company. I miss that companionship most of all. We had just started planning what to do for our 20th anniversary. Ugh.

I'm starting a grief group week after next and I'm interested to see how that goes. I also wanted to mention that I found this cool show on Facebook Watch, called "Sorry For Your Loss." It's about a young wife who lost her husband and how she's dealing with the flood of feelings while trying to get back to "normal". I was in tears many times during the episodes I watched.

Welcome, I'm sorry for your loss, 48 is young, my husband had just turned 51 and I thought that was young!  

I haven't heard about Facebook Watch, is it something on t.v. or is it on FB or what?
I get the not being religious part...it's not something we incorporate as handed down through families, it's something we figure out on our own, ourselves.  A lot of people aren't into church yet believe there's something else, someone who designed/created maybe or bigger than just ourselves.  It's a feeling I get when I look at the stars and watch videos of the universes, etc...the vastness, how complex and detailed everything is!  It takes my breath away.  Yet I don't see that as what took George away from me...I guess I'm pragmatic...I see him dying simply because his body gave out.  It has nothing to do with others living twice as long as him, and yet it's understandable we wonder why and why us?

I lead a grief support group on Wednesdays and always look forward to it.  It helps to get together with other people who get it.  I even enjoy putting the lessons together.  We have a rapport with each other I can't explain.  We're able to call each other in between or meet for lunch, and there's kind of a bond that's just understood.  I realize that every group is as unique as the people it's comprised of.