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lost my 23 year old nephew


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My family has always been close enough. I'm a second mother to both of my sisters children. We were growing a bit apart until the beginning of this summer when we started working together. During this time, my middle sister's oldest (the 23yo in question) was in jail because they decided to blame him for selling the drugs his uncle on the other side was selling. (Like, not even playing. I'm not waffling or protecting him with that statement. He wasn't selling the drugs, and all of that is beside the point.) The only reason I mention the jail thing is because of what it means for time. He got out of jail at the beginning of August. Things were great, I got to start seeing him again, and I was starting to plan a family camping trip that I wanted to do next spring. It was great, he gave me a hug (most of my family aren't huggers) and he told me all the normal nonsense details that he wanted to. It was...good.

The problem is that he suffered from this rare kidney disease (iga neropothy or something), and it had no cure.

On Aug 23 he was admitted to the hospital...and the doctors said there was no hope. It was hell. The last time I saw him conscious was at work (I do retail). He came up and asked where his sister was in the store and talked to me a moment. He walked off, and I saw him once more as he left the store...the next day we got the call that he was on life support and my sister (his mother) had to go immediately.

He was the oldest of four children, and the youngest is 11 and suffers from anxiety. Since that was the case, they had me take the eleven year old...and it wasn't until the 25th that we told him...and at the same time my sister was telling him I found out that the doctors didn't think my nephew would make it out.

Finally, after a roller coaster of a fortnight, the hospital turned off his life support. It was something like 7:15 on Sept 4th. My nephew's heart beat it's last at 12:27am Sept 5th.

Now we're left with the grief. My father passed away when I was 7, and every five or so years someone else passes, so grief is not new. Actually, the last two deaths were my cousin's 21yo son in Dec of 16 and my 80-something grandmother that Jan. There's something harder about it when it's a child you consider almost your own. I still remember getting him bottles so my sister could sleep when he was a few months old. I helped him with homework and tried to support him through the irritating racism that persists in our community. He'd hang out with me at random and talk non-stop for two hours just because we hadn't seen each other in a month.

My family is trying to support each other, my work has been fantastic and supportive through this all. My friends try to offer what support they can...but it hasn't even been a month. This is a new and bleeding hole in the heart. I'm furious and heart broken...and sometimes I just cry. I've dealt with grief my whole life, I know this is a long process to being "okay" again. I just don't remember it being so HEAVY. He is GONE. There is no recourse. It just...it's terrible.

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Dear kajuheen,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry to hear of the devastating loss of your nephew. I hear you, my friend. You are a most loving and caring aunt. I think most good aunts treat their nephews and nieces like their own child.

I'm so sorry for all the losses you have suffered. I don't think any of us will ever get use to this moment in life. It is incomprehensible to me.

Please know we are with you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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On ‎9‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 12:11 AM, kajuheen said:

 I've dealt with grief my whole life, I know this is a long process to being "okay" again. I just don't remember it being so HEAVY. He is GONE. There is no recourse. It just...it's terrible.

Each time we have to deal with grief it seems to take its own path and sometimes it is easier to deal with than other times. Over the last few years I have lost so many family members and friends and then in Feb of this year I lost my husband of 21 years so I understand the feeling of the grief being heavy. Of course I don't have the perfect answer nor is there any magical cure. All I can do is offer my condolences and prayers for you and your family. I will say one thing though, I found an outlet in writing and I have started sharing some of the things I have written hoping that it might help in some small way.


There are not enough words to stop the pain of losing a loved one.

To the ones left behind it is like being lost in a storm and trying to

find your way home. No one is ever prepared to have to say

goodbye to someone they love. Someday in the future you will

start to heal and the hole left in your heart will mend itself with

all of the good memories from time spent together. KB

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