I don’t know how to get through this.

[Springshine]

My husband passed away almost three months ago from a rare form of brain cancer called glioblastoma multiform. He was diagnosed November 2, 2017 and passed away June 27, 2018. I spend almost every moment I am awake thinking about him, missing him, trying to make sense of things, and I dream of him almost every night. I just miss him so much, he was so much to me and so much of me.  It feels like at every waking moment tears are just waiting to spill out and I don’t want to burden my family and friends with my grief. It’s difficult to watch raw grief, and I am afraid they will say, why haven’t you made more progress, but the truth is that there are days when it takes every ounce of willpower I possess to get out of bed and keep moving forward, days I can feel is absence so acutely it takes my breath away and days that the only reason I continue to function is for our kids. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know how to make peace with this. He was 43 years old....we were supposed to have more time. 

[Magee]

I understand..I’m in the same position. I’m sorry this has happened to you and your children.  I don’t understand any of it. I’m sure you feel just as lost and scared and I’m sorry for that.

 

[HPB]

Dear Springshine

I hurts me very much reading your lines. I'm very sad, about your situation, about my situation, about all of us here. The only help I can offer is that I'm thinking of you in this very moment. I share your deep pain in this very minute. My beloved wife was 48 years old when she was ripped suddenly out of our happy life full of hope for a future to grow old together, your husband was 43. We are left alone so early. I have no kids, so no hope anymore here on earth.

We are thrown into a situation that we cannot solve, only endure. I wished I could tell you something comforting, some advice how to improve the desperate reality we were are in now. Another devastated woman from this forum told me to shift my focus from the devastating loss I have experienced to the possible view that our beloved ones now have. They were released from the pain, and if they have a knowledge of us being left here, they know that our suffering will end one day, sooner or later. How can we manage our life if we have no control over it? It was shown to us very clearly that control is an illusion. So I surrendered. Surrendered to a wise power that sees, and creates the big picture. I'm aware that not everybody has the same faith, some declare that they have no faith at all. I struggle with my faith often. But for me faith and hope is all I'm left with, the illusion of finding a meaning with a happy life on earth only has been shattered forever, the illusion has been destroyed. The spark of hope to be reunited with my wife in the afterlife is what keeps me from total collapse and desperation.

So I'm trying,  not to go on, but only to endure the moment, one minute, one hour, only today. Going to bed at the end of another day, and find a couple of hours sleep, is the goal. Tomorrow again. I wish you a lot of strengh, something I'm lacking myself..

 

 

[KayC]

Springshine,

I am sorry for your loss, for all of our losses represented here.  It's hard to wrap your head around, how they can be here and then not be here.  I was amazed the sun kept on shining, it didn't seem possible when my husband was gone!

I wrote this based on what I've found has helped me on my grief journey, and I hope something in it will help you.  It's meant to print out and read every few months as some things will strike you at different points in your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, HPB said:

The spark of hope to be reunited with my wife in the afterlife is what keeps me from total collapse and desperation.

Yes, that hope is the carrot in front of me also!

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, HPB said:

The spark of hope to be reunited with my wife in the afterlife is what keeps me from total collapse and desperation.

They are with us NOW!  Absorb it! Feel it! Trust it! Different and not how we would want it but they are with us! in time I promise it will balance out!  

For those beginning to walk this journey it is so new, so fresh and so unimaginably raw and excruciating. I understand.     

[Springshine]

I am so sorry that there are people out there that can 100% understand what I am feeling, and at the same time I am so grateful. It does make me feel marginally better to know I’m not crazy, alone or that what I am feeling is “normal”. The new normal. Thank you all for reading my post and offering support and just for being a shoulder when I am in need of a little extra strength. 

[ModKatB]

2 hours ago, Springshine said:

I am so sorry that there are people out there that can 100% understand what I am feeling, and at the same time I am so grateful. It does make me feel marginally better to know I’m not crazy, alone or that what I am feeling is “normal”. The new normal. Thank you all for reading my post and offering support and just for being a shoulder when I am in need of a little extra strength. 

This is a long and hard journey we are taking and some days will be better than others. I feel like you do about having others that understand the emotions and struggles, it just seems to make it a bit easier. I hope you will be able to find something that will bring you a moment of peace and maybe a smile. 

[adventure]

My first husband was 42 years old when he died 2 months before our daughter graduated high school. I KNOW your pain. I'm so so sorry you are in this forum but so happy you found it. I believe the only comfort is knowing you are not alone. You are understood here. 

My second husband passed away 4 months ago. I thought I paid my dues by losing one husband...it feels like the joke is on me. And my children are suffering this loss all over again. 

I found a journal from my first go round. I cried everyday for 8 months. We are all different in how our grief presents and how we will cope. Right now I'm not sure who, what or how I am. I just know I'm not the me I was on May 24. My world looked and felt different on May 25 when he was longer with me. The first time I became a widow I changed. And now I'm going to have to adapt and evolve again. 

There is no answer to this....I know because I keep looking. There is no "fixing" this, I'm a fixer personality and my brain keeps looking for the fix even though it knows there isn't one. 

Breath....just breath each day. And read and post here. There is understanding in people here that are wearing the same unwanted shoes on the same unwanted road that you are on. 

[KayC]

adventure, I am so sorry.  I know it indeed feels cruel.  I know grief is the price we pay for love, but I just want to know why some of us get it and others don't.  Nothing fair about it.