My Dad Died

[tristygirl]

My father died less than two weeks ago. I'm only 24.

He had a seizure and then went into cardiac arrest. The doctors think that his brain went too long with oxygen. He never woke up. Through this whole process, I have had to be there for my mom and and my older sister. I held my mother's hand as she made the hardest decision of her life which was to let my dad go. I watched as my sister screamed her head off after finding out that dad was going to die. I still can't get those screams out of my head. I held onto my brother-in-law as he cried over the death of my father. I've comforted people I don't even like. I've greeted people as they visited my mother and tried my best to make small talk. I've shaken the hands of hundreds of people I don't know letting them know I appreciate their sympathy and prayers.

I feel like I haven't really had the chance to start grieving yet which concerns me. I've cried here and there, but I don't feel like I truly get that he's dead yet. I feel like I'm stuck somewhere between denial and anger. I still feel like I could get a call from him at any time.

I have a lot of anger, but it's not really aimed at anyone. I'm angry that I won't have my dad there to see me get my PhD degree. I'm angry that I won't have my dad walking me down the aisle when/if I ever get married. I'm angry that I won't ever get to play golf with him ever again. I'm just angry that my dad is gone.

I'm bad to bottle things up and then let them out through panic attacks. I don't want that to be the case this time. I've signed up to start seeing a counselor to help me figure out how to grieve. I just hope it works. I'm also hoping that by writing out how I feel on here might help as well. If anyone has gone through a similar grieving process or has any words of advice, I'd really appreciate it...

[tessa]

Hi Tristygirl,
I'm sorry for your loss. 2 weeks is very raw. I remember I wondered around like a zombie for a long time after I lost my mother.
It's good that you are talking it out. It becomes less raw with time.

[reader]

Dear Tristygirl,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss.

I know this is an incredibly difficult time. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle with yourself. It's good of you to support everyone and be there for your family. I remember going through the motions of the service. And the whole time I didn't think it was real either. Nothing was real. How could have I have reached the point in life where my dad was gone? It was a terrible shock. I cried an ocean of tears for him the first year.

Please know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I also find these websites to be helpful:

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Recovery Method

Take your time to mourn and grieve. And know we all with you.

Take care. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Tristygirl,

I’m so sad for your loss and what you’re going through. I’ve lost my mom and two brothers and still can’t get the screams out of my head either for each death that occurred and I know how that feels. I wake up every day and expect my mom or brothers to be downstairs and they never will be again. I want to call them, say their names, have them respond and need their support. It’s the most heart wrenching thing to know they’re gone and I can’t be with them. I also know what it’s like to have delayed grief because of taking on so much and making sure everyone else around me is okay and being taken care of. What I know now is, that we should take care of ourselves first. We have to make ourselves a priority especially if we want to help others. We have to keep trying to live our best lives. Not push away the grief or further delay it because it causes our bodies to eventually fail us. Unresolved grief cause fibromyalgia and other medical things. That’s what happened to me when I delayed grieving my first brother who passed away. I numbed out for two years and it caused me so many problems. It caught up with me. Seeing a therapist is one of the best things you can do. That helped me with these two most recent losses. I feel at least I have some tools to cope. But therapy needs to be ongoing. Even when we start to get a anchored again. It’s a commitment we make to ourselves. You deserve to have support and guidance. We all do. I’m praying for you and sending thoughts for you to receive what you need. 

Hugs,

Nicole