I am determined to survive.

[ModKatB]

I have been writing and thinking so much in these last few weeks and I have had some times where I just did not want to take one more step or one more breath. In coming to this forum I have found others who are going thru or have gone thru the very things I am dealing with right now. It has been a good thing for me because I realized that you can survive this hurt and pain. I have had to think back to what my life was before I met my husband and how much love and joy I had with him for the 21 years we were married. I came from a life of being abused as a child (my adopted mother thought of me as her punching bag) and I ended up in an abusive marriage before I met Mr. B. This is not going to be easy because I will always miss him and wish that I could have him back with me but I want him to be proud of me. I want to find that person in me that made it thru the rough times before so that I can figure out what comes next.

I honestly wish for all of the ones traveling down the same path that you are able to find the strength you need to take that next step and hopefully find a bit of peace in your life.

[KayC]

Kat,

I've been through much the same as you and you know it true that we will always miss them, but I too feel George is proud of me and want to do him proud!

[Spengler]

He is still watching over you, and he wants you to be strong and preserve his memory.

 

I sometimes have the feeling that my wife is standing behind me and I can even feel her hand on my shoulder. It helps calm me, especially when I'm tempted to do something especially stupid.

[BetsyD]

On 9/20/2018 at 10:22 PM, KatB said:

I will always miss him and wish that I could have him back with me but I want him to be proud of me.

That is much the same sentiment that is driving me forward. I know that he is with me always and that much of what I am as a person, as a mother and now as a grandmother is due to the 40 years I had with him. That does not for one minute mean that I have made him out to be a perfect person now that he is gone. Hardly - no one is perfect. We were, however, perfect for one another. We never gave up on one another. We saw each other through very VERY tough times and came out of them better than we were before because we did it all together. The fear of failure is with me without him, but I find that whenever I sit and doubt my decisions or my actions, I ask myself how Tom might have handled the situation. Most of the time I think he would have been proud of how I handled something. Other times I review the decision and tell myself it was the best I could do and doing my best, even if something may not have been the right decision in the end, was what Tom would have been proud of - for our marriage, for our children, for ourselves...just to do and be our best. 

With that in mind, I put my house on the market last Thursday and I already have two offers...and I also found a house to rent that is a two minute walk from my children's house in Arizona. I feel that Tom guided me to do all of this at this time. He wanted me to be with them. He knew it would be hard for me to pack up a three story house, three dogs and two cats and move 1700 miles, but I know that he would be proud that I am going to, somehow, figure out how to get it done so I am not so alone...and so lonely. 

On 9/22/2018 at 8:30 AM, Spengler said:

he wants you to be strong and preserve his memory.

I have to go to be with the children and our especially our new grandson so I can teach him all about his grandfather.  That is what is giving me strength.

On 9/22/2018 at 8:30 AM, Spengler said:

I can even feel her hand on my shoulder. It helps calm me,

Same here...thank you so much for putting it into words.

[KayC]

Oh Betsy, that is exactly how I feel too, we are/were neither one perfect, but we were and are perfect for each other!  I feel incredibly lucky to have had him in my life, to have met someone so absolutely perfect for me!

[ModKatB]

13 minutes ago, KayC said:

Oh Betsy, that is exactly how I feel too, we are/were neither one perfect, but we were and are perfect for each other!  I feel incredibly lucky to have had him in my life, to have met someone so absolutely perfect for me!

Kay and Betsy, we all three think alike on the subject of being lucky enough to have someone that was our "perfect" love. I think if you are lucky enough to have that one person that loves you no matter how silly you get and even when you mess up, you are blessed with something very special. I have a picture of a patchwork elephant and it says Pobody's Nerfect and for me it is the absolute truth. I hope today brings you smile and a happy memory.

[Sunflower2]

13 hours ago, BetsyD said:

I smieI will always miss him and wish that I could have him back with me but I want him to be proud of me.

I was proud of me that was separate from my partner before he left.  I was proud of what our spirits, our energy created in our togetherness.  We were separate entities yet we were connected.  Just reminding me of that energy and determination is uplifting even in those very deep moments of darkness. I will survive.  I miss him beyond words.  There are times it is necessary to partner deeply with that pain but there are times I know it is not where I need to be so a little push of self care, movement and connection with the outside world is needed.  I did not feel this space was even possible a year ago or even 6 months ago or even 3 months ago.  These moments out of the darkness will arrive in time.  It is work!  Hard work to process this loss. To process this journey. To process and walk through the dark moments. To process our next step.  one baby step at a time takes tremendous amounts of energy.  

 

I'm determined!  I won't complicate my grief.  Its complicated enough. I won't romanticize my partner.  I smile as I share that. To have experienced that healthy connection on all levels. I smile because that was work!  T have that experience of authentic unconditional love yet I'm responsible for healing my shattered heart. I know he is with me.  He knows I will do it. I'm blessed with the energy being shared with my partner and my parents.  This is the only way I can experience them in this new reality. 

We each work it differently.  We each work it in our own way.  Relationships are work!  Grief is work!   Grief that comes from losing a partner is the most excruciating journey I have yet to experience! 

[HPB]

@BetsyD @Sunflower2 @KatB

I admire, but also envy you. And it hurts me a bit as I can see that I'm not in the same boat that just sets it's sails anew. Unlike me you have many positive aspects in your hand to really come out of this devastation like a phoenix rising out of the ashes. I'm aware that I'm still very fresh on this journey, very raw, but this is only an insignificant aspect. I see that you WANT to find a way out, and most of you are embedded also in the continuation of familiy (kids, grandkids) and you were blessed with long marriages.

And maybe you are also open for a new relationship, probably not searching, but open if something ever flies towards you in the future.

I think it's a good thing how determined you are to find a way out of the mess, I just can't see any aspect in my situation that would point in the direction of healing. I'm different.

I can't find back to my personality, because it really became a happy and proud "we" instead of "I". It cannot be untangled. And even if I found my previous old "I", I would refuse it because I don't like it anymore . The bridges behind me collapsed, and now plan A was destroyed by the devastating passing of my wife. I have no plan B.  My family is small, friends are mainly busy, and I'm determined that my beloved wife is and will be the only one forever.

I feel really lost. And the combination of not wanting to grow old alone, along with my determination, that my beloved wife will be not replaceable in any time to come, makes my outlook without any possible solution.

[BetsyD]

2 minutes ago, HPB said:

maybe you are also open for a new relationship

Not me for sure......I will never EVER want a new relationship, and I am not sure everyone in our situation does. I lost my husband very suddenly just a week after you lost your wife. So I certainly "get" where you are in your feelings. Everything I say is "we", everything I feel is "we" or "us" or "our"...My friends are also busy, and unless they have experienced what I have gone through the don't understand this type of loss...it is more profound than anyone who hasn't experienced it can possibly imagine. My family is also small - I have a sister who doesn't live near me, and my two daughters, a son-in-law and this six month old grandson who has become my real reason to go on, not just for me but for my beloved husband about whom I will have to bring to life for this little boy through stories and pictures.  

 

6 minutes ago, HPB said:

you WANT to find a way out,

I have to. I cry every single day. I ask why every single day. I shout and scream and am angry and alone and lonely. But I have to survive. I have to find the way. Because otherwise I negate the life he and I had and created together. He is lost if I get lost. 

[HPB]

5 minutes ago, BetsyD said:

I cry every single day. 

...same here. Isn't this "normal" ...? Well I'm not shouting, and also I'm not angry, if at all, then about myself. But I'm sad, very sad.

[ModKatB]

46 minutes ago, HPB said:

@BetsyD @Sunflower2 @KatB

.

And maybe you are also open for a new relationship, probably not searching, but open if something ever flies towards you in the future.

 

I have no interest in having a new relationship with anyone. I am still Mrs. B and I still wear my wedding band and have no plans to take it off. My husband was the love of my life. I had been married twice before I met him and I did not love them like I loved Mr. B. He was my perfect match even though neither one of us was perfect.  

47 minutes ago, BetsyD said:

  

 Because otherwise I negate the life he and I had and created together. He is lost if I get lost. 

This is what I wrote and I call it Keeper of the Memories

 

All of this is so hard, not knowing how to feel.

Emotions going from happy to sad and back again.

Feeling like a ping pong ball, hit from one side then the other.

I am damaged from such intense pain and fear.

Not understanding why I have to be here alone without you.

Feeling like my life is not worth living but knowing I must continue on.

Looking for something that will give me hope for tomorrow.

Wanting to see rays of sunshine, not just tears that fall like rain.

Knowing deep down inside that you would not want me to give up.

So I am going to have to find a way to save my sanity.

I will try hard to find a way to move thru all of the pain.

Because I am the keeper of your love and memories. KB

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, HPB said:

I can't find back to my personality, because it really became a happy and proud "we" instead of "I". It cannot be untangled.

It really does take time, more time than you care to know...and effort.  I've never worked so hard at anything in my life!