8 MONTHS

[LeannC45]

A week ago I went to see my family in Oregon. I haven't seen any of them since my husband passed away 8 months ago. I can honestly say that it felt amazing to be around them. I needed to talk to them about what happened with my husband and just be in a different environment. My sister had a son on the same day my husband passed away so meeting that little boy was definitely a highlight in the trip. He is the sweetest, cutest little guy. I watched him zoom around in his walker smiling and laughing. It was so nice to feel something other than loneliness and despair. I have lived in California for 22 years and never even thought about moving back to Oregon but the flight home felt so lonely it hit me like a Mack Truck that I was going home to no one. I do live with my son who of course means the world to me but it was the first time that I didn't have my husband to pick me up from the airport and discuss my trip with. No one to miss me and talk to me as I unpack, no one to mess up the house and try to hurry and straighten it up before I get home. No one to call and check up on me while I was there. I just don't know where I am headed. I go through the motions of going to work everyday the gym every couple days and occasionally out with a friend for lunch. I just don't know what I am supposed to do now. I miss my husband, I miss being a wife, I miss having a household where I knew implicitly what my purpose was. I just feel lost, I am desperately looking for light spots in my life and I do experience them but sometimes I feel like a fake. I never feel completely happy or joyful. I can feel joy and I can feel happy but it coincides with a pain that is always right at the surface. I wish so bad that none of us had to go through this roller coaster of loss and pain.

[ModKatB]

10 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

A week ago I went to see my family in Oregon. I haven't seen any of them since my husband passed away 8 months ago. I can honestly say that it felt amazing to be around them. I needed to talk to them about what happened with my husband and just be in a different environment. My sister had a son on the same day my husband passed away so meeting that little boy was definitely a highlight in the trip. He is the sweetest, cutest little guy. I watched him zoom around in his walker smiling and laughing. It was so nice to feel something other than loneliness and despair. I have lived in California for 22 years and never even thought about moving back to Oregon but the flight home felt so lonely it hit me like a Mack Truck that I was going home to no one. I do live with my son who of course means the world to me but it was the first time that I didn't have my husband to pick me up from the airport and discuss my trip with. No one to miss me and talk to me as I unpack, no one to mess up the house and try to hurry and straighten it up before I get home. No one to call and check up on me while I was there. I just don't know where I am headed. I go through the motions of going to work everyday the gym every couple days and occasionally out with a friend for lunch. I just don't know what I am supposed to do now. I miss my husband, I miss being a wife, I miss having a household where I knew implicitly what my purpose was. I just feel lost, I am desperately looking for light spots in my life and I do experience them but sometimes I feel like a fake. I never feel completely happy or joyful. I can feel joy and I can feel happy but it coincides with a pain that is always right at the surface. I wish so bad that none of us had to go through this roller coaster of loss and pain.

I understand how you feel. I lost my husband 7 months ago on Feb 9th and it has been a hard journey so far. My husband and I both did not work so we spent all our time together, 24/7 most of the time. I had people ask me how did we do it because they felt like they would go crazy to spend that much time with their spouse. My answer was always the same, we do fine and enjoy each others company. Now I have to do everything alone that I once did with him and it is very hard. We were already in the process of selling our home in Florida and were planning to move back to Ga. so I let the sale go thru and my youngest daughter offered me a room so that is where I am now. It helps sometimes to have someone around but I still feel like I am alone. I miss my husband who was my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. Our 22nd anniversary would have been next month, Oct 19th. I am not looking forward to that day because we always started the day with a kiss and Happy Anniversary I love you. I have found that writing helps me with some of the sadness and pain. I am including something I wrote to explain how I feel about being without him. It is a long hard journey but you are not alone.

 

Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you.

Now I know and it is only, silence and tears.

Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's

for dinner tonight, just silence and tears.

Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do.

Only to return to home to silence and tears.

I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed.

No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears.

I am having to learn to live without you.

No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears.

Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone.

Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears.

No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath.

Nothing to stop the silence and tears.

I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side.

Anything at all to stop the silence and tears.

Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in

and not just, silence and tears.

[LeannC45]

39 minutes ago, KatB said:

I understand how you feel. I lost my husband 7 months ago on Feb 9th and it has been a hard journey so far. My husband and I both did not work so we spent all our time together, 24/7 most of the time. I had people ask me how did we do it because they felt like they would go crazy to spend that much time with their spouse. My answer was always the same, we do fine and enjoy each others company. Now I have to do everything alone that I once did with him and it is very hard. We were already in the process of selling our home in Florida and were planning to move back to Ga. so I let the sale go thru and my youngest daughter offered me a room so that is where I am now. It helps sometimes to have someone around but I still feel like I am alone. I miss my husband who was my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. Our 22nd anniversary would have been next month, Oct 19th. I am not looking forward to that day because we always started the day with a kiss and Happy Anniversary I love you. I have found that writing helps me with some of the sadness and pain. I am including something I wrote to explain how I feel about being without him. It is a long hard journey but you are not alone.

 

Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you.

Now I know and it is only, silence and tears.

Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's

for dinner tonight, just silence and tears.

Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do.

Only to return to home to silence and tears.

I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed.

No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears.

I am having to learn to live without you.

No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears.

Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone.

Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears.

No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath.

Nothing to stop the silence and tears.

I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side.

Anything at all to stop the silence and tears.

Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in

and not just, silence and tears.

Thank you for your response and for sharing what you  wrote. I can relate so well to every word. Sometimes I think that I should move back to Oregon to be around family but my job is in California so I can't just quit even though in my heart sometimes I just want to quit everything. Sometimes I imagine selling everything I own and become a nomad...:LOL..Of course that is not going to happen but it's a crazy thought that I continue to have. I just don't know where I fit in anymore. If I did move back to where my family is I am worried that I wouldn't truly be happy there either. I just don't know what road to go down. I am standing at a crossroad that leads to an interstate going everywhere and yet nothing feels like a direction or destination for me. 

[ModKatB]

9 minutes ago, LeannC45 said:

 I just don't know what road to go down. I am standing and a crossroad that leads to an interstate going everywhere and yet nothing feels like a direction or destination for me. 

You just put into words what most of us feel every day. I know that I go from one thought to the other without being able to know what to do and I think that is why most therapist would tell you not to make a major decision in the first year. All I can say with absolute truth is this, I am a work in progress and the journey has just started.

[KayC]

Leann,

I can relate to everything you said, it is how I felt in the beginning...of course I still miss that but I've gotten more used to living alone now.  Getting used to this, processing our grief, it takes so much time and effort, this truly is a life long journey.

[Sunflower2]

@LeannC45 to share a simple experience.  We had an urban apt with a gorgeous view.  Simple living.  It was our every weekend escape for the past 5 yrs.  

I couldn't afford to keep it up and I knew it wasn't my place to heal or even begin to work through the grief.  I had a year left with expenses  covered. For me staying would have kept me stuck in the grief. Packing up and moving out was my decision.  It was our hideaway. It was us.  We created circles of extended family/friends. I loved the bohemian feeling. When we came back to the suburbs I actually felt a deep loneliness. I've created a space I can rent for a night or two in the same historical building.   As I approach the city my spirit lights up.  I enjoy my time there.  When I return back to the suburbs it takes me several days to adjust.  There is a deep struggle with one foot feeling stuck in the city and one foot stuck in the suburbs.  It can be compared to that feeling of my being in grief yet moving forward.  Its surreal.  My spirit soars in the city.   Your spirit soared in Oregon.  You felt alive and vibrant even in sadness.  We enjoyed us in the suburbs too but a different vibrancy.  For now consider vacation trips to Oregon.  Its our disconnect in grief that plays into this.  I'm moving toward being comfortable accepting my city trips as a vacation. The death of our loved one shifts the whole foundation of our life.  Nothing is as it was.  Even what was most familiar seems in a strange way unfamiliar. I feel I've entered a different country/planet. We will get used to this new land, this new arrangement of people and relationships. It will take time.  Love and Lightness!

[LeannC45]

21 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

@LeannC45 to share a simple experience.  We had an urban apt with a gorgeous view.  Simple living.  It was our every weekend escape for the past 5 yrs.  

I couldn't afford to keep it up and I knew it wasn't my place to heal or even begin to work through the grief.  I had a year left with expenses  covered. For me staying would have kept me stuck in the grief. Packing up and moving out was my decision.  It was our hideaway. It was us.  We created circles of extended family/friends. I loved the bohemian feeling. When we came back to the suburbs I actually felt a deep loneliness. I've created a space I can rent for a night or two in the same historical building.   As I approach the city my sprit lights up.  I enjoy my time there.  When I return back to the suburbs it takes me several days to adjust.  There is a deep struggle with one foot feeling stuck in the city and one foot in the suburb.  It can be compared to that feeling of my being in grief yet moving forward.  Its surreal.  My spirit soars in the city.   Your sprits soared in Oregon.  You felt alive and vibrant even in sadness.  We enjoyed us in the suburbs but a different vibrancy.  For now consider vacation trips to Oregon.  Its our disconnect in grief that plays into this.  I'm moving toward being comfortable accepting my city trips as a vacation. The death of our loved one shifts the whole foundation of our life.  Nothing is as it was.  Even what was most familiar seems in a strange way unfamiliar. I feel I've entered a different country/planet. We will get used to this new land, this new arrangement of people and relationships. It will take time.  Love and Lightness!

Thank you for your response. I know you are right, we will find our way in this unfamiliar, uninvited new world.

[KayC]

Leann,

I wish I knew where you were in Oregon because that's where I am, southeast of Eugene, I would have loved to have met up with you.  I'm 3 1/2 hours from Portland, 2 hours from Salem.

[LeannC45]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Leann,

I wish I knew where you were in Oregon because that's where I am, southeast of Eugene, I would have loved to have met up with you.  I'm 3 1/2 hours from Portland, 2 hours from Salem.

That would have been great to meet you KayC. My family lives in Salem. I am originally from that area but I have lived in California for the last 22 years. I try to make it back to visit at least once a year. My Mom has Parkinson's disease so I need to try and get down there more often.

[KayC]

Let me know next time you come, if you have time, that is.  My son lives in Aumsville, works in Salem, he's about 2 1/2 hours from me.

I'll message you my phone number.