Severe Depression after the Sudden Death of my Mother

[emptyandanonymous]

Hi,

Let me first start of by saying this is the very first time I've even attempted to talk or write about my situation in its entirety. I am currently 20 years old. Almost two months ago, my mother died suddenly from an overdose. She had been clean for the better part of 10 months so it came very much as a surprise to me to find out she was using again. Her drug of choice was heroin. My mom had been battling her heroin addiction for the vast majority of my life. There hasn't been a time that I distinctly remember her being sober except for the periods of time where she was in and out of jail, rehab or on probation. With that being said, she was on probation the last 10-11 months of her life because of some trouble with stealing in the past to fuel her addiction. It wasn't uncommon for her to steal from stores, to berate and harass her boyfriend for money, or even to ask me for my money or steal things of mine that she could trade in for drugs. There have been too many times to count where she has stolen valuables of mine and even a time she took my debit card and tried to withdraw money from an ATM. There was even one year she returned my school clothes the day before school was supposed to start.

With all that being said, her being put on probation forced her to become sober or face jail time. She finally started going to the suboxone clinic and regularly taking her prescribed medication (for her weak heart and high blood pressure) again. Slowly but surely she became my mom for basically the first time in my life. She had color in her face, she no longer shook uncontrollably, she was considerably less irritable, there was less arguing in our household and she began to gain healthy weight. Our relationship finally began to turn into something beautiful, something i've always dreamed of it being. When she was high she was the person I hated the most, but when she was sober I loved her with every fiber of my being. Still, with the pain she has caused me in the past I would have never guessed that I would feel the way I do now after she is gone. 

The night she died I had texted her all day. Earlier in the evening I had even sat down to have a talk with her. We talked about how i loved my new job, had finally found a boyfriend that made me happy, and some other things. A few hours before she died we were even texting. One of her lasts texts to me asked "Can i come in and talk to you guys for a bit? I promise I won't embarrass you." I admit I was selfish in this moment when I said no. At the time our relationship was new and I wanted to spend time alone with him, not potentially risk being embarrassed by my mother, and besides I had just spent plenty of time talking to her all day. As you can imagine, I deeply regret saying no to her request. It would have been one of the last times I would have been able to see my mother before she passed. 

Later that night I was awoken by a loud bang. I was half asleep and didn't hear anything else out of the ordinary so naturally I went back to sleep. A couple hours later I am awoken again by the sound of my mother's boyfriend. When I come outside of my room, I see him standing over her body and she is unresponsive. Her lips and fingertips were blue and something about her face just looked off to me. By the time we had found her she was already dead but that didn't stop me from attempting CPR and seeing if there was something lodged in her throat. Of course there wasn't and her body was cold to the touch. The paramedics arrived in under ten minutes and quickly tried to revive her but confirmed she was dead. I think it was in this moment that something truly broke inside of me. I realized that the bang i heard earlier that night was most likely her body hitting the floor as she fell unconscious. Every day I live with unbearable guilt that if i had just gotten up I could have saved her or done something to make the situation turn out differently. Every day I silently curse her boyfriend for knowingly bringing her to buy heroin, bringing her home and going to sleep afterwards. He was the only one with knowledge besides her of what she was going to do so a huge part of me hates him. I do not express the hatred I have for this man largely because I live with him now. It used to be him, me and my mom. Now that she is gone, it's just me and him. He has been nothing but nice and polite to me and on occasion offers to help me with food or money. Don't get me wrong, I am aware of him trying to reach out to me in the only way he knows how to, but a huge part of me dislikes living here with him but I am in no position, emotionally or financially, to move to a new place.

My mother has two siblings. Her older brother, and my uncle, was excellent at reaching out to me in the first couple of weeks. Her younger sister, my aunt, was the same. But as time passed by my uncle started to get in contact with me less and less and now, almost two months later, its back to him not talking to me at all. He has grown really close with my mom's boyfriend though and they often go out for coffee together, which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, I'm glad they've found somebody and something that helps them get through this situation. On the other, I'm mad that they aren't grieving like I am. Her boyfriend fully admitted that he was basically over her death already. I know this is probably mostly because of how much she used to berate and verbally abuse him when she needed money for drugs. At that time, she had made not only my life miserable but his as well. My uncle doesn't express much emotion about the situation anymore which leads me to believe he has pretty much gotten past her death as well. So that leads me to my aunt, who was imprisoned shortly after my mother's funeral. She is the person I feel closest to so being unable to see or call her when I want to is putting a strain on me. I feel like she is the only person I can reach out to that understands and is as grieving as deeply as I am. I usually miss her calls because of work or other things and I am left feeling sad and guilty.

My mother's death has basically left me a shell of who I once was. I had finally battled the depression that came with the death of my grandmother, which was also terrible considering she had raised me since my mother was absent a lot due to her addiction. I find things I used to enjoy tedious. I push everyone away. I am always irritable and always sad. My vision on life has become so bleak that i no longer see a reason to continue living. I can't imagine myself in a world without my mother yet here I still am, all alone. My dad has never been in my life and although he has two other children I've only met them once and have no desire to reach out and connect with them. My mother had another child with another man. He is my half brother and is almost exactly ten years older than me. I haven't seen him since we were children. In the first few weeks I reached out to him in hopes of finding someone who could relate to my pain and to an extent he did. But since his relationship with our mom was just recently starting to develop again via Facebook messages it wasn't quite the same and eventually we stopped communicating altogether. 

Basically I am all alone. I am being crushed under the weight of my depression and already existing anxieties. I am being hit by wave after wave of depression and I feel like I am drowning. I try to reach out and talk to my boyfriend about it but I feel like a HUGE burden. I am CONSTANTLY depressed, constantly sad, constantly hopeless. Therapy doesn't seem like a very appealing idea to me but at this point I feel like I might have to give it a shot. The pain I am feeling now makes all my other problems and bouts of depression pale in comparison to this. Even the death of my grandmother didn't hit as hard as this did. The death of my mother marks the fourth major death I've experienced in my lifetime. My family has been torn apart by death and I feel as if I am the only one left to deal with the aftermath. I desperately wish I could find someone to relate to my situation. I cry every day. As each day passes my pain only becomes worse and worse and soon I'm afraid I won't be able to deal with it at all and I will succumb to the huge part of me that just wants to end my life and be reunited with my mom.

[sadandlost]

Dear emptyandanonymous,

I am deeply sorry for your loss and all the pain you have been through in your life.  Its more than most will have in their lifetime and you are only 20.  I'm not even sure what I can say because its an overwhelming what you have suffered.  If you want to survive this you need help.  I understand how alone you feel from the story you have told, you are pretty much alone.  I also understand how severe depression can be where you think there is no reason to live.  Right now you are still in shock.  Shock goes on for months, many months I found in my case.  I can only urge you to seek professional help for trauma and grief.  Possibly consider anti depressants.  You are going to need a lot of time.  You are not going to feel better soon.  This is normal.  Even for those of us who have normal loss and normal grief without all that trauma it takes a long time, much longer than i thought.  Loss of a parent changes your life forever.  I hope for you that you will do everything you can to seek professional help.  I don't think you can do this on your own.  its too much.  I'm so sorry for everything you've been though and wish you less pain and struggle.

 

[stephanieteresa]

I have been known to call telephone hotlines to talk. It is much better than suffering in silence. They don't become a trusted friend. They are only someone to talk to in there here and now one time. But when the weight is too much, I would rather talk to a stranger than no one. Even if I will never talk to them again.