New Poster...just lost my Mother

[florentine]

I just lost my Mother on December 13. It was sudden and unexpected, well as unexpected as it could be at age 87. Logic tells you it's going to happen sometime, but I was not expecting it that day. I had just spoken to her a few hours earlier and she seemed fine. Next thing I knew the police were at my door informing me. asking where to take the body (she was found dead in her car) and telling me to go and identify her. They said it seemed like a peaceful passing from natural causes. Thank God she had parked her car and wasn't driving when it happened.

Her death leaves me the only survivor of my family. My Mom, Dad and brother are all dead. I have no children. It all ends with me. I think I was mostly numb at first and went through the motions. Now I am experiencing different things...physical illness and a deep, deep, resigned sadness. This isn't the screaming, hair-tearing grief like when my brother died. Just a sad, profound melancholy that leaves me wondering about life, natures cycles and a deep longing for my departed loved ones. It amazes me, the finality of it all. I wonder how I will live my life without her. She was such a stable, reliable, loving part of my life that is now gone in the blink of an eye.

This has been a horrible, horible nightmare. I've seen a really ugly side of human nature dealing with the details of when someone dies. We were taken advantage of by the funeral director. He didn't do anything illegal, but was greedy and over-charged for everything. The funeral was supposed to be modest but wound up costing twice as much as we expected. It was the homes excessive charges that ran the bill up so high. The only thing we could have done to reduced the price was to switch to the cheapest casket and vault. I couldn't do that just to save a few bucks. She deserved better than that. Mom's assests were frozen and I didn't have enough money from her insurance policy to pay for this overpriced funeral. I had to borrow the money to bury her. Her apartment manager tried to buffalo us into paying an extra months rent even though we had her apartment cleaned out and vacated before the new month started. The manager said it was because we didn't give 30 days notice of her death. We let the estate lawyer take care of that. He doesn't take any nonsense from people. I do worry about his bill though. Everyone has their hand out and people are so nasty these days.

My husband has been a great help through this. He is a stoic, uncomplicated, country man. He tells me life is hard and I must just put one foot in front of the other because that is the only thing I can do. I try to look at the good things and tell myself that I was so lucky to have her this long. Other people aren't that lucky. Some people lose their loved ones very early. Sometime there is great suffering. My Mom passed peacefully. I tell myself her passing was the way things had to be. This past summer I had a terrible cancer scare. They thought I had uterine cancer. All kinds of thoughts raced through my mind. I wondered if I would even be here next year. It was then that I realized that I couldn't die before my Mother. I couldn't have her lose another child. I HAD to survive her. So now I have and that is how it should be. But now I've left with this huge, aching hole in my heart and my life. What am I going to do without her?

I guess I have rambled on enough. Thanks for listening.

[ModKonnie]

I just lost my Mother on December 13. It was sudden and unexpected, well as unexpected as it could be at age 87. Logic tells you it's going to happen sometime, but I was not expecting it that day. I had just spoken to her a few hours earlier and she seemed fine. Next thing I knew the police were at my door informing me. asking where to take the body (she was found dead in her car) and telling me to go and identify her. They said it seemed like a peaceful passing from natural causes. Thank God she had parked her car and wasn't driving when it happened.

Her death leaves me the only survivor of my family. My Mom, Dad and brother are all dead. I have no children. It all ends with me. I think I was mostly numb at first and went through the motions. Now I am experiencing different things...physical illness and a deep, deep, resigned sadness. This isn't the screaming, hair-tearing grief like when my brother died. Just a sad, profound melancholy that leaves me wondering about life, natures cycles and a deep longing for my departed loved ones. It amazes me, the finality of it all. I wonder how I will live my life without her. She was such a stable, reliable, loving part of my life that is now gone in the blink of an eye.

This has been a horrible, horible nightmare. I've seen a really ugly side of human nature dealing with the details of when someone dies. We were taken advantage of by the funeral director. He didn't do anything illegal, but was greedy and over-charged for everything. The funeral was supposed to be modest but wound up costing twice as much as we expected. It was the homes excessive charges that ran the bill up so high. The only thing we could have done to reduced the price was to switch to the cheapest casket and vault. I couldn't do that just to save a few bucks. She deserved better than that. Mom's assests were frozen and I didn't have enough money from her insurance policy to pay for this overpriced funeral. I had to borrow the money to bury her. Her apartment manager tried to buffalo us into paying an extra months rent even though we had her apartment cleaned out and vacated before the new month started. The manager said it was because we didn't give 30 days notice of her death. We let the estate lawyer take care of that. He doesn't take any nonsense from people. I do worry about his bill though. Everyone has their hand out and people are so nasty these days.

My husband has been a great help through this. He is a stoic, uncomplicated, country man. He tells me life is hard and I must just put one foot in front of the other because that is the only thing I can do. I try to look at the good things and tell myself that I was so lucky to have her this long. Other people aren't that lucky. Some people lose their loved ones very early. Sometime there is great suffering. My Mom passed peacefully. I tell myself her passing was the way things had to be. This past summer I had a terrible cancer scare. They thought I had uterine cancer. All kinds of thoughts raced through my mind. I wondered if I would even be here next year. It was then that I realized that I couldn't die before my Mother. I couldn't have her lose another child. I HAD to survive her. So now I have and that is how it should be. But now I've left with this huge, aching hole in my heart and my life. What am I going to do without her?

I guess I have rambled on enough. Thanks for listening.

Hi Flo,

I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your mom, but I want to welcome you to our warm and supportive community. You sound as though you are go through the normal process of grieving and all it's many aspects. It is wonderful that you had such a good mother; one of these days, and not necessarily soon, you will be able to smile and even laugh at special memories of her. For now, concentrate on just getting through a little by little. Remember to eat and try to get some rest.

Your husband sounds like a gem. His advice to put one foot in front of the other is wise. That's exactly what you do.

I am so glad your cancer scare was just a scare. It is very admirable and loving of you to be so concerned about your mother when your life was potentially in danger. You must be a good person.

There are many people here who have suffered the loss of their precious loved ones. You will find support and encouragement here. We look forward to getting to know you better.

ModKonnie

[florentine]

Hi Flo,

I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your mom, but I want to welcome you to our warm and supportive community. You sound as though you are go through the normal process of grieving and all it's many aspects. It is wonderful that you had such a good mother; one of these days, and not necessarily soon, you will be able to smile and even laugh at special memories of her. For now, concentrate on just getting through a little by little. Remember to eat and try to get some rest.

Your husband sounds like a gem. His advice to put one foot in front of the other is wise. That's exactly what you do.

I am so glad your cancer scare was just a scare. It is very admirable and loving of you to be so concerned about your mother when your life was potentially in danger. You must be a good person.

There are many people here who have suffered the loss of their precious loved ones. You will find support and encouragement here. We look forward to getting to know you better.

ModKonnie

Thank you, ModKonnie. My Mother was a good Mother. She was quiet, kind and strong. I hope she has taught me well enough that I can live like her to honor her for the remainder of my life.

It's three weeks today. I sat on the bed and talked to her this morning just like I always talked to her on the phone at that time. I do this every day. I cried, then got up and went about my day. I will be fine for a while until I have the need to cry again.

[ModKonnie]

Thank you, ModKonnie. My Mother was a good Mother. She was quiet, kind and strong. I hope she has taught me well enough that I can live like her to honor her for the remainder of my life.

It's three weeks today. I sat on the bed and talked to her this morning just like I always talked to her on the phone at that time. I do this every day. I cried, then got up and went about my day. I will be fine for a while until I have the need to cry again.

Hey, Cry all you want. It helps. I cried buckets, and I still do occassionally.

ModKonnie

[chicago]

Hi Flo -

I lost my mother in January of 2007. Since then every January that rolls around makes me sick to my stomach and so I logged into this site to read and share. There is healing when you step outside of yourself. : )

Like your mom, my mom Irene was in her 80s. At that age not a shock that she passed away and while I feel blessed that I had her for as long as I did, I still feel childlike in my wish that she never had to go. Coming up on the forth anniversary of her death, I'm surprised I still miss her as strongly as I do. I am convinced there is indeed something "different" in loosing a mom (my father and brother are also deceased). I see the way my own six year old daughter admires me. I am her hero. My mother was certainly mine when I was a child. I almost want to tell my daughter, "Don't love me so much, it will hurt too badly one day when I am gone".

In regards to the greedy funeral director and all others you came across who seemed to pry on your vulnerability, it is very unfortunate this had to happen at such a time when you've already got enough on your plate to deal with.

I wish I had some wisdom to share and tell you that time will heal, and it does, however, your life changes forever. To risk sounding like a dork quoting a line from "The Lion King" movie, it's the circle of life. And there is nothing any of us can do to change the process. Lastly, one tiny thing that makes me feel better sometimes when I'm really missing her is to tell myself I am 50% of her DNA make up so in an odd way, she's still very much with me. I wish you a peaceful, healing heart Flo.

[florentine]

Hi Flo -

I lost my mother in January of 2007. Since then every January that rolls around makes me sick to my stomach and so I logged into this site to read and share. There is healing when you step outside of yourself. : )

Like your mom, my mom Irene was in her 80s. At that age not a shock that she passed away and while I feel blessed that I had her for as long as I did, I still feel childlike in my wish that she never had to go. Coming up on the forth anniversary of her death, I'm surprised I still miss her as strongly as I do. I am convinced there is indeed something "different" in loosing a mom (my father and brother are also deceased). I see the way my own six year old daughter admires me. I am her hero. My mother was certainly mine when I was a child. I almost want to tell my daughter, "Don't love me so much, it will hurt too badly one day when I am gone".

In regards to the greedy funeral director and all others you came across who seemed to pry on your vulnerability, it is very unfortunate this had to happen at such a time when you've already got enough on your plate to deal with.

I wish I had some wisdom to share and tell you that time will heal, and it does, however, your life changes forever. To risk sounding like a dork quoting a line from "The Lion King" movie, it's the circle of life. And there is nothing any of us can do to change the process. Lastly, one tiny thing that makes me feel better sometimes when I'm really missing her is to tell myself I am 50% of her DNA make up so in an odd way, she's still very much with me. I wish you a peaceful, healing heart Flo.

Thank you chicago, for your kind and comforting words. I am sorry that you had to go through the pain you did and are still feeling. I know what you mean about the childlike feelings that come with your Mother's death. Sometimes I sit and cry and am almost taken back in time to when I was a child and cried for my Mother. It's like it's coming from that same place in my heart that it did years ago and I feel lost, small and alone. Sure is strange the memories that it brings up.

I have also been contemplating the "circle of life". Mom was slowing down. Her friends were dying or getting dementia. She was a very social person but her world was getting smaller and smaller and I sensed a sadness in her. I tell myself my life is coming to a close. I won't live as long as she did. I have physical issues now. Someday in the future I will die. That's just the way it is. I just hope mine is quick like Mom's death.

I guess a lot depends on your faith also. Mom had a deep, quiet faith. Mine is shakey and questioning at best. I am thinking a lot about that, but that a whole other topic. I suppose many issues get processed with a loss like this.

I hope your January comes and goes OK and you feel peace and comfort as time goes on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.