Lost my husband to suicide is it my fault

[Forever lost]

I lost my husband to suicide 6 months ago and the pain is unbearable we had a fight the night before due to his drinking and not working for 2 years things were getting really hard financially and I needed help as I was the only one working. If only I kept my mouth shut and said nothing to him he would still be here with me. He was the love of my life my best friend and now his gone and all I want to do is hold him I want him to come home. His family have all said his death is on my head and its all my fault I just want to be with my husband maybe it is my fault maybe he didnt love me and that’s why he did it. All I ever asked from him was to get a job and help with his drinking he had suffered a very traumatic childhood and became a very heavy drinker at a young age we were so in love and adored each other we had our ups and downs like all married couples do but our love for each other was so strong I’m forever lost without him he was my world 

[Spengler]

Yes, you loved your husband intensely and he loved you, but he was an alcoholic. This is a severe illness, fully as serious as heroin addiction, and as dangerous. Recognize that there was nothing you could have done to save him. Nothing. I can't tell you that you don't have the right to feel guilt, but you certainly have no cause for it. I repeat that there was nothing you could have done to save him. Alcoholism is stronger than love.

 

His family blames you for his death because they do not want to assume their share of the blame. Likely it was a highly dysfunctional family and that the roots of his alcoholism came from his growing up experiences in that family. You might well be better off cutting contact with these people.

 

Stay strong and work on your own healing. Your husband would have wanted that.

[KayC]

You have found a good place here and I hope you will look up these links and read the article I wrote and am including for you.  I am very sorry for your loss. I want you to understand that when someone commits suicide, it is not something you own the power to prevent...I too have lost someone to suicide, we can't know if/when someone will do that, even if they talk about it we don't know if they're follow through and often they don't even let us know ahead of time.  That is their own inner demons and they've tried to fight it but lost the battle, it seemed too big for them and they didn't know their way out.  You throw alcohol/drugs into the mix, this can seem insurmountable to them but it's not yours to own.  He was lucky to have someone in his life that cared so much, but he couldn't see clearly for his pain.

Please read:

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

http://ask.aftertalk.com/1261-2/
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[adventure]

Forever Lost... please please please keep reading the words Spengler posted to you. They are SO SO spot on. Print them out if you can and read them everyday a few times a day until they really sink into you psyche. You have no ownership in his decision. He struggled with an addiction. I wish I had Spengler's words said to me 13 years ago when my husband was laying dead in our front yard from a drunken fall 36 hours after getting out of the 4th rehab. The guilt and torment I lived with was endless. I'm overwhelmed with the memory of it just typing this.

When our loved ones die with addictions involved it's another layer to all this despair. His mother blamed me for his drinking too. I walk with the same shoes on too. Don't live with the burden of guilt that I did for a decade. Release yourself. If you had any real power in your situation he would be alive and your lives would be filled with happiness. But when addictions are involved YOU are powerless for them. Now you have the power with how YOU will proceed. 

Please accept Spengler's wisdom. Please reach out. And please release yourself from owning this. You're mind will go back to how you might have been able to have caused a different outcome. When that happens read that post again. It's easier to blame ourselves then the person that is dead. Alcoholism IS stronger than love!!!

[Forever lost]

Thank you for your kind words every day is a struggle for me I miss my husband so much and would give anything to have him back. This roller coaster of a nightmare is so hard most days I just want to end it and be with him but than I think of my family and that pulls me out of my moments of dispair. I have had to go off all social media and get a new phone number due to the harassment I’m getting from his family and I’m now looking at moving to a different state.

[ModKatB]

15 hours ago, adventure said:

 

Please accept Spengler's wisdom. Please reach out. And please release yourself from owning this. You're mind will go back to how you might have been able to have caused a different outcome. When that happens read that post again. It's easier to blame ourselves then the person that is dead. Alcoholism IS stronger than love!!!

I can tell you from first hand experience that you could not have fixed the problems your husband was having with alcohol. I grew up with a stepfather who was an alcoholic and nothing we did ever stopped him from drinking. It is an addiction that takes over the person and controls everything that they do.

If his family can't accept that your husband was an alcoholic and that the alcohol cause the problems, then you need to stay away from them. It is hard enough to deal with all of the emotions that come from losing a loved one and you don't need his family trying to put their guilt off on you.

The things that Spengler wrote are very true and I hope that one day you can release yourself from feeling the guilt and the feelings that come from the what ifs and the if I did this differently.

[KayC]

His family is blaming her because it's easier to do that than face the truth...that he had alcohol problems and was responsible for his own death.  They don't want to own any responsibility in what he went through...perhaps they have some of the same issues?

If they are harassing you to the point of getting your number changed, perhaps you need an order of restraint?  Uprooting yourself to the extent of moving to another state may benefit you, but it's a decision you shouldn't even have to be making!   Haven't you been through enough!  Grr, these people!