The closer it gets to what would have been our 22nd anniversary the more I panic.

[ModKatB]

My husband has been gone for 7 months and next month, Oct 19th would have been 22 years of marriage. I am trying to keep it together and some days are better than others. I know that there will be more days that will push me to the brink and when it happens and I feel like I don't want to live anymore. I want to be able to find a way to get thru that moment. I do want to live, but as all of us know there are many times where you feel like the weight of the pain and loss is going to drown you. I am starting to have more panic attacks and instead of one every now and then it almost seems like it is daily. The doctor gave me something for it right after Mr. B passed but I don't like the way I feel when I take it. If I tell the truth the meds make me feel worse than just dealing with the feelings I am having. If any of you have seen some of my other post you will see things I have written and the writing actually does help but I am scared of what is going to happen when I get to the day that would have been a big day for us. Our journey to marriage was a little bit different than some and when we got married most people told us you are crazy and it won't last because it was #3 for me and #6 for him. I met my husband because my car broke down and a friend said he knew someone that had a tow truck that could move my car. So we met that day and he (Mr B.) said he would move it the next day. He came the next day and moved my car and I needed a way to get to work so he loaned me his car. Four days after I met him my 2 daughters and I moved in with him and yes I know that was fast. One evening 2 months later we were cuddled up just talking about things in general when he looked at me and asked me to marry him. I was surprised but quickly said yes, crazy as it was I just knew that he was the one for me. To give you an idea of how he was I will tell you what he did the 2nd night after I moved in. I had a headache and I did not have any asprin and he looked and did not have any either so at 9pm he gets dressed and says I will be back shortly. When he comes back he had a bottle of asprin and a rose. I can tell you that it made me want to cry because it was so sweet and I had never been treated so special. So 2 months after the proposal we got married and lived the happy ever after fairytale. Okay the truth is like all couples we had arguments and times where things were tough but we loved each other thru it all.

If anyone wants to share what they did to make it thru some of the roughest times I would appreciate the help. As I said before, the writing I do helps but I also find a bit hope in being able to read things from others that are taking the same journey as I am and the fact that it is possible to survive. I want to find a way to be strong enough to make it thru that day (anniversary) without just medicating myself into a fog. The old saying is, One Day at a Time but for me sometimes I am lucky for it to be One Hour at a Time.

 

 

[KayC]

Kat,

Let the doctor know what's going on, that you don't like how the Rx makes you feel, sometimes it's a matter of finding out what works best for YOU and the dosage  October 19 is our anniversary too.  That first year I'd planned on going to where we honeymooned and just reflecting...but the closer I got to the date, I just couldn't.  Also, I'd planned on having his portrait done as we'd commissioned someone to do our portraits but I didn't like the one of me, just him...when I contacted the photographer, he'd already destroyed the negatives so couldn't do what I'd wanted.  Years later I felt more ready to visit our honeymoon site but when I looked them up, alas they'd torn it down under new ownership.  

It helps to attribute positive to the day, but that's hard to do in the first year especially, the missing them pain is so acute, just getting through the day is hard.  Different people handle it differently so if there's a way that strikes you as better than other options, go with that.  Mostly just listen to your heart.

Take a look at this and be sure to click on some of the links contained in it, rituals, etc. can be helpful:  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

[adventure]

KatB what a beautiful love story. Thanks for sharing that. It warmed my heart. The depths of your love for each other is big and deep. 

Im going through this loss for the SECOND time. I didn't believe that could be possible as I don't think I'm that old year. Just turned 59. I'll share what we did for my first husband. My children were 16, 18 and 20 when my first husband, Tor, died. Devasted does not even begin to describe how we felt. He was 42, and our daughter graduated high school 2 months after he died. The first Christmas came up and my daughter said she didn't want to celebrate and couldn't stand having the Christmas trees in the house. He was Swedish heritage and every year we had 2 Christmas trees... one American and a Swedish tree with only straw decorations and red ribbon bows tied on. We lived in Pennsylvania and I decided we would get out of town. Head to the farthest place. I was lucky that I had life insurance and benefits financially coming in. I told the kids pack your bags and we flew out to San Francisco on Christmas Day. We kept ourselves busy with each other. I was lucky because our 21rst wedding anniversary was 12/28. I had the distraction of being away. 

Tom, my second husband passed one month after our 12th anniversary. I haven't gotten to that bridge yet. It's been my experience that the anticipation weeks before had been worse then the actual day. But that's just me. The anxiety of it coming up can be more exhausting then the actual day.

the doctor gave me a script for xanax. It sat for almost 2 weeks before I filled it. The the bottle sat filled for about a week before I took one in desperation for some inward calmness and SLEEP. I will NEVER Take one of those again. I'll live with this dreadful agony of grief before I feel that indifference and numbness again. I laid in bed and said to myself "I don't care that he's dead."  I didn't care about ANYTHING. Well just one thing....I said to myself the only thing I care about is that I don't want to pee the bed. I only cared about peeing. I total relate to your medication experience.

Maybe write MrB a letter with your feelings and memories of things you did together and the small things he did that made you feel loved. If you have family nearby and available maybe they could get together with you and have a celebration time. You most likely feel very sad but being with others that shared time with him amd hearing their good memories may help. Or do a small trip. The only thing I can say is the day will come and you will get through it. As time gets closer and you get more anxiety reach out more. Take one minute at a time and breath through it. 

[ModKatB]

32 minutes ago, KayC said:

 

It helps to attribute positive to the day, but that's hard to do in the first year especially, the missing them pain is so acute, just getting through the day is hard.  Different people handle it differently so if there's a way that strikes you as better than other options, go with that.  Mostly just listen to your heart.

Take a look at this and be sure to click on some of the links contained in it, rituals, etc. can be helpful:  https://www.griefhealingblog.com/p/h.html

KayC

Thank you for the information about the other site. I have already looked at some of it and will go again to read more.

[KayC]

I haven't found an exact article addressing how to handle wedding anniversaries when our partner dies but that link takes you to an article on special days with links provided, and I've found the help given within those individual articles can be applied to wedding anniversaries as well.  

[ModKatB]

27 minutes ago, adventure said:

KatB what a beautiful love story. Thanks for sharing that. It warmed my heart. The depths of your love for each other is big and deep. 

Im going through this loss for the SECOND time. I didn't believe that could be possible as I don't think I'm that old year. Just turned 59. I'll share what we did for my first husband. My children were 16, 18 and 20 when my first husband, Tor, died. Devasted does not even begin to describe how we felt. He was 42, and our daughter graduated high school 2 months after he died. The first Christmas came up and my daughter said she didn't want to celebrate and couldn't stand having the Christmas trees in the house. He was Swedish heritage and every year we had 2 Christmas trees... one American and a Swedish tree with only straw decorations and red ribbon bows tied on. We lived in Pennsylvania and I decided we would get out of town. Head to the farthest place. I was lucky that I had life insurance and benefits financially coming in. I told the kids pack your bags and we flew out to San Francisco on Christmas Day. We kept ourselves busy with each other. I was lucky because our 21rst wedding anniversary was 12/28. I had the distraction of being away. 

Tom, my second husband passed one month after our 12th anniversary. I haven't gotten to that bridge yet. It's been my experience that the anticipation weeks before had been worse then the actual day. But that's just me. The anxiety of it coming up can be more exhausting then the actual day.

the doctor gave me a script for xanax. It sat for almost 2 weeks before I filled it. The the bottle sat filled for about a week before I took one in desperation for some inward calmness and SLEEP. I will NEVER Take one of those again. I'll live with this dreadful agony of grief before I feel that indifference and numbness again. I laid in bed and said to myself "I don't care that he's dead."  I didn't care about ANYTHING. Well just one thing....I said to myself the only thing I care about is that I don't want to pee the bed. I only cared about peeing. I total relate to your medication experience.

Maybe write MrB a letter with your feelings and memories of things you did together and the small things he did that made you feel loved. If you have family nearby and available maybe they could get together with you and have a celebration time. You most likely feel very sad but being with others that shared time with him amd hearing their good memories may help. Or do a small trip. The only thing I can say is the day will come and you will get through it. As time gets closer and you get more anxiety reach out more. Take one minute at a time and breath through it. 

The suggestions you have given me are things I actually can do and the writing of the letter is something that would be a good thing for me since I have gone back to writing poems about how I am feeling and I have been writing in a journal.

The prescription my doctor gave me was Xanax and just like it did to you it put me in that fog where nothing felt right and I just didn't want to even try. As I said before the grief and all of the emotions that come with it are better than the medicated fog.

Sorry to hear that you are going thru this journey for a second time. I do think you are right about the anticipation leading up to this next important date we would have celebrated together. Right now I am living with my youngest daughter because when my husband got sick we had already had our home in Fla. up for sale and had a contract on it when he passed away. We had been looking forward to moving closer to our kids. I followed thru with the sale and moved back to Ga. and so at least I have her and my grandson to help keep me busy at times. I know I will get past this but I have a feeling I might need to invest in some Kleenex stock soon. Thank you for sharing your story with me because even though it is sad that there are so many of us that have lost our loved ones, it helps to know that there are others that are going thru or have gone thru the same thing and they survived it. Maybe a little bit bruised and beaten but survivors in the end.

[Sunflower2]

@KatBThere are books, there are suggestions and yes people give "advice." 

I'm in a place where my circle has not given me advice or suggestions.  They know me and I know they are there!  With this circle I've communicated my needs on this journey and we've discussed what I might need and what they can provide.  We've created a circle.  It is called a circle of love. So I get what I need and they feel good because they know what I need!  Working with clients years ago we called this a contract. Simple set up between positive supportive people.   

I'm heading into little anniversaries of the last special moments before I inch toward the one year mark.  In the end I'm doing it my way. I'll trust my spirit and my body signals to guide me. I have back up support set up just incase.  I totally expect pain.  However as in any event the anticipation may be worse than the actual day.  I do not know. I will have my authentic and personalized experience after the 24th of September.  I do know some people have to map their day out.  They have to have a plan.  That's so ok for them.  Remember grief is an individualized journey. 

I am not mapping my day out and I have no plans. I'm not intellectualizing this experience.  I'm walking into the storm ….I can't predict. I can't plan. 

This morning I did experience a return of shock.  Realizing it's already close to one year.  Was there pain? Absolutely!! Were there tears?  A river of tears!!  Was there despair and fear?  Absolutely!  Then there was light and calm allowing myself to honor all I've done within this time...the steps forward in pain and in fear. Also re-visited my next week.  Cancelled one event simply because I have to do an important add on and I'm not going into a manic overload to keep me busy and away from the pain.  Am I scared? Absolutely!!  People not experiencing this grief experience all of the above.  I try to blend that reality in with mine.  I'm not measuring individual levels of degrees or precipitating factors.  Despair, anxiety at this level and panic attacks are things I have not experienced.  Panic attacks?  Whew! I breathe through them!!!  No it's not easy. 

I hurt deeply but I've made an amazing job in moving through this horrific experience.  In stating that please know I'm acknowledging baby steps to bigger steps back to baby steps back to staying in for a day back to running out doing two things and running back to hide.   The unpredictable cycle of feelings that make us feel we have no control.  We do have control though by allowing ourselves to feel the pain. An amazing job with a shattered heart. A shattered soul and the loss of us.  The loss of me that was part of the us.

Within 10 months I lost my  partner and my mom.  My mom was a beautiful transition.  No amends. No unfinished business but there is still grief to process. 

Its balancing.  

This share is simply my share.  My way of doing it.  If something shines through and brings you comfort grab on to it.

"Pain does not stifle the hope deep within the human heart. "   ~ Pope Francis  

Sunflower

 

 

 

[ModKatB]

1 hour ago, Sunflower2 said:

  

This share is simply my share.  My way of doing it.  If something shines through and brings you comfort grab on to it.

"Pain does not stifle the hope deep within the human heart. "   ~ Pope Francis  

Sunflower

 

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I know that each of us deal with things in our own way but it helps to know that even though this journey is a hard one, it is possible to survive.

[Noah]

That is a very touching story Kat!! That is so very very sweet that you two got together only after 2 months!! Most people will definitely see that as too quick and that it would never last. But as my GF said to me (still have her quote written down)

"Love is still Love. No matter the distance, the age, or even gender. Being agaisnt a relationship of anykind, means that you're against love."

That means the naysayers that said your relationship wouldn't last; were against love. And look how much you showed them to be wrong!! =) Super heart-warming how he gave you a rose with that bottle of aspirin!!!!! ^^

I know how difficult it must be for you to have your anniversary approaching quickly, While I cannot say I know exactly how you feel, but I still understand as I mentioned in my post that it is my GF's b-day today, not our anniversary, but still a day that is special to us; as we celebrated our birthdays with lots of heart-warming talk and gifts. I may not have the answer you need, but please forgive me when I keep repeating that you're not alone in this feeling. What I am doing to get through this harder day for me, is talking with my sister, going on here to talk to you guys, and I am drawing Mila's Ponysona (she really liked My little pony) eating a peice of cake. I do still feel emtpy on the inside just by missing her a lot, but I am doing my best to embrace this day as a day to celebrate her. 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

It helps to attribute positive to the day, but that's hard to do in the first year especially,

This is a very good point.

 

Keep taking it slow and steady. 

((Prayers and hugs!!))