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Hi Nampid1, I can somewhat understand how you feel.  I lost my mom to a rare cancer two years ago however I was 39 and felt that was young.  I do understand your feelings of jealousy and anger, it's the question we have ...WHY?  From time to time I would wonder why my mom and not someone else.  Her and I were best friends, she was extremely close with my daughter and then all of a sudden, she is gone.  I don't feel like I will ever be myself and for the longest time I could not listen to music because  I felt like I shouldn't be enjoying life.  I would then feel guilty because i should be unhappy without her.

Your situation with you dad doesn't sound good (glad that it's somewhat better) but he is not a replacement for your mom.  No one is.  Life changes because of the bond you have with your mother, but when she died it sounds like a piece of you died too.  I may not have known your mother but she would want you to finish college, enjoy life, get married and mostly be happy.  Most parents want that for their children.  About 3 weeks or so before my mom died (we knew it was coming)  I told her I can't do this without her (meaning raise my daughter--im a single parent) that I had plans for all of us and started to cry and she told me that I have to ..for her (meaning my daughter).  So see ..even though she was dying and was scared she pushed her feelings aside to be a parent and give advise.  Your life is not hopeless, try not to feel defeated and I know how hard that can be...but your Mom would want to see that her boy didn't crumble to pieces.  Easier said then done I know. I still have panic attacks from time to time 

Congratulations on completing your first year of college!  You can do this--just keep thinking that your mom worked hard to raise you to get to this point.


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