New Here, Lost My Husband 6 Weeks Ago

[Crabby]

I've been kind of lurking and just reading others' posts.  I've wanted to post my story, but I find it so painful.  But I'm having a terrible day, and need to get this out.  

My husband died suddenly a little over 6 weeks ago.  He was in the driveway helping my son-in-law change the brakes on his car.  My son and daughter-in-law were also here.  The plan was to have a cook out after they were finished.  Before they finished, DH started feeling overheated and came in the house.  I was in the backyard with my granddaughters playing on the tire swing that DH had built them just two days before.  My daughter-in-law came outside and told me that DH needed me.  I went inside, and he was in the recliner laying back.  He said he was hot, and I got a cold towel and put it on his head, then gave him some ice packs to cool him down.  He said he felt a little bit better.  I told him I needed to go to pick up the pizza.  He asked me to send my son, but I told him my son was helping son-in-law change the brakes on his car.  He said okay that's good.  I told him not to get up from the recliner, and I'd be right back.  That was the last time I ever saw my husband alive. When I left, I asked my daughter-in-law to check on him in a few minutes. 

When I returned from getting the pizza, I went inside and saw he wasn't in his chair. I went upstairs and found him on the bedroom floor, flat on his back, arms out.  I shook him but he didn't respond.  I knew when I saw his eyes, he  was gone. I ran downstairs screaming.  My kids came running in, and I collapsed on the floor. Suddenly it came to me that I needed to do CPR.  I ran upstairs and immediately began chest compressions while my son and son-in-law both dialed 911.  I knew in my heart he was gone, but I refused to stop. The paramedics came, and ordered my son to take me outside. They took him to the hospital, and we followed behind.  A little while later, the doctor told us he was gone. They're not sure if it was a heart attack, aneurysm, or what. They asked me if I wanted an autopsy, and I said no.  I didn't want them cutting him up.  It may sound silly, but that's how I felt at the time.

He was 56, and we were married for 38 years, it's been almost 40 years since our first date, and we grew up together in the same neighborhood.  He was my paperboy, back when newspapers were still delivered. He was my best friend, my lover, my biggest cheerleader.  I can't wrap my brain around the fact that he's gone. I have so much guilt for leaving that day.  So many regrets, so many "what ifs." It's been such a terrible struggle.  We are empty nesters - as I said, both of our kids are married.  It was just him and I, and we were starting a new chapter of our lives.  Our story wasn't over yet, it wasn't supposed to end this early.  He was a good man - loved his kids, adored his granddaughters.  He could fix anything, and was a much better cook than I am. 

For some reason the 6-week mark hit me hard.  I could barely stand to go a day without seeing him when he was alive, and here I am living without him permanently.  I was at work today, and stood up and looked at our picture on my hutch.  His beautiful blue eyes were looking at me, and I completely lost it.  I'm such a mess.  My son and daughter are both a mess.  We're all having anxiety/panic attacks.  We're all in therapy.  Add the trauma of finding him on the floor to the actual loss of him, and you have one traumatized family.  We all feel guilty.  

As I said, I am seeing a therapist, and I was recently started on Celexa for anxiety attacks.  I can't say that it is agreeing with me, because it's preventing me from getting good REM sleep, but I am told that will go away.  Meanwhile I am exhausted. I've lost 12 pounds since he died. It's hard to eat - my stomach just stays in knots. I can't listen to music anymore. It just makes me cry so hard. I miss him so much.  I look at the sky every day and say, "Where are you?"  and "I love you and miss you."  

Some days feel so hopeless :-(

 

[ModKatB]

It is hard to read the comments but at the same time it helps me to understand that I am not alone and that others do understand what I am feeling. I have posted several things I have written on here because I hope it helps someone else to find a moment of peace. I am adding something I wrote for a friend when she lost her boyfriend suddenly. I wish for you the strength you need to make it thru the hard days of your journey.

 

My heart is broken and my life is a shell of what it used to be.

I am lost and unsure of which way to turn.

It happened so fast and you left me before I could tell you how much

you meant to me. I did not get to say goodbye. How do I move on when

our story was not complete? How do I get past the pain of having you

ripped from my life? I will try to be strong and move on with life. Keeping

my head up and waiting until the time when I will see you again on

on the other side. KB

[Tamimi]

6 hours ago, Crabby said:

He was 56, and we were married for 38 years, it's been almost 40 years since our first date, and we grew up together in the same neighborhood.  He was my paperboy, back when newspapers were still delivered. He was my best friend, my lover, my biggest cheerleader.  I can't wrap my brain around the fact that he's gone

I can relate to your story and I'm sorry you have found yourself here.  My husband died suddenly in February of cardiac arrest.  He was 56 and we were married 33 years.  Six months in and the shock finally wore off, but I look at a picture and I can't believe that face I knew so we'll is gone.  I get anxiety if I think about the rest of my life without him.  Our daughter is getting married in November and our older daughter is newly pregnant with her 3rd child.  I'm happy for them and for our family and somehow life is going on but he was supposed to be here for these milestones.  I've  lost 30 lbs due to that "knot in the stomach".  I still have trouble with music and pictures.  I get it and know you're not alone in your feelings.  This level of grief is a very hard road to travel.

[KayC]

Crabby,

I'm so glad you found us and wrote your story...it could have been written by me except George didn't cook.  He was barely 51 when he had a heart attack and died.  Like you, I felt our time was just beginning, kids grown, it was our time, we were supposed to grow old together, this isn't how we planned it!

It's been 13 years since my husband died, I wrote this based on what has helped me in my journey.  It's made to print out and read every few months as it's too much to absorb at once and different things will strike you at different parts of your journey.  I hope even one thing will be of help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Lost6263]

On 9/11/2018 at 5:01 PM, Crabby said:

I've been kind of lurking and just reading others' posts.  I've wanted to post my story, but I find it so painful.  But I'm having a terrible day, and need to get this out.  

My husband died suddenly a little over 6 weeks ago.  He was in the driveway helping my son-in-law change the brakes on his car.  My son and daughter-in-law were also here.  The plan was to have a cook out after they were finished.  Before they finished, DH started feeling overheated and came in the house.  I was in the backyard with my granddaughters playing on the tire swing that DH had built them just two days before.  My daughter-in-law came outside and told me that DH needed me.  I went inside, and he was in the recliner laying back.  He said he was hot, and I got a cold towel and put it on his head, then gave him some ice packs to cool him down.  He said he felt a little bit better.  I told him I needed to go to pick up the pizza.  He asked me to send my son, but I told him my son was helping son-in-law change the brakes on his car.  He said okay that's good.  I told him not to get up from the recliner, and I'd be right back.  That was the last time I ever saw my husband alive. When I left, I asked my daughter-in-law to check on him in a few minutes. 

When I returned from getting the pizza, I went inside and saw he wasn't in his chair. I went upstairs and found him on the bedroom floor, flat on his back, arms out.  I shook him but he didn't respond.  I knew when I saw his eyes, he  was gone. I ran downstairs screaming.  My kids came running in, and I collapsed on the floor. Suddenly it came to me that I needed to do CPR.  I ran upstairs and immediately began chest compressions while my son and son-in-law both dialed 911.  I knew in my heart he was gone, but I refused to stop. The paramedics came, and ordered my son to take me outside. They took him to the hospital, and we followed behind.  A little while later, the doctor told us he was gone. They're not sure if it was a heart attack, aneurysm, or what. They asked me if I wanted an autopsy, and I said no.  I didn't want them cutting him up.  It may sound silly, but that's how I felt at the time.

He was 56, and we were married for 38 years, it's been almost 40 years since our first date, and we grew up together in the same neighborhood.  He was my paperboy, back when newspapers were still delivered. He was my best friend, my lover, my biggest cheerleader.  I can't wrap my brain around the fact that he's gone. I have so much guilt for leaving that day.  So many regrets, so many "what ifs." It's been such a terrible struggle.  We are empty nesters - as I said, both of our kids are married.  It was just him and I, and we were starting a new chapter of our lives.  Our story wasn't over yet, it wasn't supposed to end this early.  He was a good man - loved his kids, adored his granddaughters.  He could fix anything, and was a much better cook than I am. 

For some reason the 6-week mark hit me hard.  I could barely stand to go a day without seeing him when he was alive, and here I am living without him permanently.  I was at work today, and stood up and looked at our picture on my hutch.  His beautiful blue eyes were looking at me, and I completely lost it.  I'm such a mess.  My son and daughter are both a mess.  We're all having anxiety/panic attacks.  We're all in therapy.  Add the trauma of finding him on the floor to the actual loss of him, and you have one traumatized family.  We all feel guilty.  

As I said, I am seeing a therapist, and I was recently started on Celexa for anxiety attacks.  I can't say that it is agreeing with me, because it's preventing me from getting good REM sleep, but I am told that will go away.  Meanwhile I am exhausted. I've lost 12 pounds since he died. It's hard to eat - my stomach just stays in knots. I can't listen to music anymore. It just makes me cry so hard. I miss him so much.  I look at the sky every day and say, "Where are you?"  and "I love you and miss you."  

Some days feel so hopeless :-(

 

I lost my husband in February, I too found him. Everything you wrote hits home with me. Different things hit me at different times. I can be standing in an aisle in a grocery, not our normal grocery store because I can't go there, that may sound strange  it's hard, and it will hit me ...flashes of that night....I start having a panic attack and never in my life have I had one and all I can say is it's horrible. I go to therapy every week and I'm on a anti depressant. I don't want to leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I just want to stay home and be with our three dogs and watch videos on his phone of him being goofy and playing with the dogs. I would give anything just to hold him one more time. I look at EVERYTHING so differently now. I can't explain it. I will sit on the back patio and look up into the sky and wonder as well. The what ifs are so hard. What if I had forced him to go back to the doctor sooner? What if this or that. Sadly everyone tells me and they are right the what ifs won't bring him back....but I still do it. So much is constantly going on in my head. But I have come to the point when people ask how I am doing I just say ok. Talking to them doesn't bring him back and they will never understand what I am going through so what's the point. I am thankful I have a good support system with my family and friends. But even with all that I feel completely alone. I'm so sorry for your loss. Literally one step at a time.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Lost6263 said:

not our normal grocery store because I can't go there, that may sound strange  it's hard, and it will hit me

Not strange at all!  The things that hit us are very unique and individual.  I couldn't go get groceries at first, my daughter had to do it for me because it was something my husband and I always did together, we'd make a day of it, we lived in the country and we'd travel 50 miles away to get groceries so would also go see friends, go out to eat, etc.  It's still hard for me to see men bagging the groceries while their wife pays...they're so lucky to still have each other.

The feeling alone is hard, I still fight that and it's been 13 years, I don't have a good support system, very little contact with my kids, they don't come here and my daughter rarely calls or answers the phone or texts.  My older sister lives here but she is an invalid and never comes here or calls and she's a heavy smoker so I can't go to her house because it makes me very ill.  I call her every day even if it's just for five minutes to let her know I'm thinking of her, my other sisters live across the state and my oldest sister died a few months ago, both parents gone.  Having my dog and cat helps, they are my family now.

I hope you don't totally isolate.  They say around six months can be one of the hardest times in one's grief journey, the time when shock has worn off and reality has set in, it can take a LONG time to process your grief, let alone adjust to all of the changes this means to your life.

I hope you continue to come here, it really does help to know there are others going through this and you're not alone in your journey...this is the one place you can be sure we "get it".