I think my dad has a guilty conscience about my mother's death

[guccianonymous]

I doubt anyone is going to read this, but on the off chance, I want to share the situation that I am in. So, basically I lost my mum almost a decade ago when I was 7 (I am now approaching my 17th birthday). But, I have never actually been able to speak freely about her death as my dad always shied everything away whenever I tried to bring it up. The only thing that my dad has ever told me about my mum's passing is that she died from a very rare disease. I believed this when he first told me when I was little, but as I've got older I can't help but have my doubts. He never said anything about what the disease was, or how it killed her, he has just always said she died of a 'rare disease.' Around the age of 13 I gave up trying to ask him how mum died as I never got any sufficient information from him, and I noticed that he always looked a bit nervous about saying that same thing those last few times I asked him. I can't help but think that somehow he had a role to play in her death, and I can't pry this thought away from my mind. It breaks my heart to think that my dad could have had something to do with her death as I know that he risked and lost virtually everything to be with her as loads of people didn't support their age gap when they fell in love (mum:19, dad:52). I have, and always will love both of my parents, but I don't know what to do about my dad. I hate how we can't just talk openly about her death, and I hate myself for thinking that he could have had something to do with it.

Sorry for writing all this, I just wanted to ask: what should I say to my dad? Should I question him about my concerns, or do you think that is the wrong thing to do? If anyone has actually read this please help me out with my situation. 

 

Thank you- guccianonymous

[MollieMcDoodlesMom]

Hello!

I did read your entire post and I want to extent my deepest condolences over the loss of your beloved mum. 

Here are some things to consider regarding your mum’s death. Is there a way you can look up her death certificate? Here in the United States, those kinds if things are public information. You should be able to gain access via the internet if you know where she died - like a city or if she was in a hospital. Do you know if there was an obituary in a newspaper? Sometimes that has information too. 

You can explain to your dad that if your mum died from a rare disease, you want to be checked to see if you possibly inherited it. This might open the way to speaking about it. Even if you don’t inherit the actual disease, could you be a carrier of it and pass it on to your children?

Lastly, I have some free reading material on coping with grief if you would like the link. Perhaps it would be beneficial since most men are taught not to show emotions regarding sensitive subjects. 

Again, I’m very sorry for your loss. 

Frances 

[guccianonymous]

Hiya Frances, 

Thank you for actually taking the time to read this and offering up your own thoughts. I live in England, so it should be fairly similar to America in finding the death certificate, so thank you for that suggestion. I think she died in the same hospital as she gave birth to me in, so that aspect shouldn't be too difficult- except for the fact that it is a private hospital rather than one run by the NHS. And, I've seen a couple of newspaper articles about mum's death before, but they all have said that 'her family wishes to keep the cause of death private' or something along those lines, and have mainly focused on the relationship that she had with my dad rather than anything surrounding her death. I have a feeling that her cause of death was something really personal, and i hate the fact that my dad seems to be keeping the true cause a secret from me.

As for the reading materials you have offered for my dad, I know him well and he would not react well to me offering him anything to help him cope with his grieving as he usually very stubborn. And, I have tried to ask him about the possibility of me inheriting the 'disease', if that's actually what my mother had, but he always changed the subject. He never gives me the chance to find anything out about her death.

So, I kindly decline your offer of reading materials but I will take your advice and try and find her death certificate. And, once again, thank you for responding. I am grateful that you took your time to acknowledge my worries and suggest how to potentially rectify them.

Thank you- guccianonymous

[Lyra]

Hiya, 

I've always hated it when people have said this but, I am sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that your family struggle to talk about your mum. Mine are the same, my Dad died when I was a baby and I don't really know much about him. I apologise that I can't be much help, after some time he may feel able to, it must still be so painful for him. 

I hope this has helped a teeny bit, 

Lyra