Two years today

[Marcel]

I lost my wife two years ago today. I function normally at work. I can even mention my wife without crying. But when I get home I don't have the drive to do anything.
I have thought a lot about how to get a life again. Made a lot of plans what I could do to get out of this rut.
Today I realized why it's so hard to do the things I planned to do again, like making music, playing my guitar, working out, going cycling, the things I loved to do years ago.
It doesn't matter what I do if I just do it to cover up the loneliness. It can only work if I can be passionate about it again. So the first step must be to find passion again.
But it's difficult. Why would I make music again, if I can't share it with my wife? Why would I work out if it doesn't really matter whether I'm healthy or not?
I know that I have to find joy in life again before anything else can happen. So that's my new goal. Trying to look for things or moments that are beautiful and learning to actually see the beauty in it. Be it the sight of a beautiful lake, watching children play without a care, seeing an old couple holding hands, hearing stories of people helping other people.
I think the only way to cope with the feelings of loss and despair is to allow other feelings to come through. They will not take away the pain, may remind us of our loss even more, but they can provide the occasional ray of sunlight . I've tried to numb all my feelings to make it through the evenings, it's time I look out for some new ones.

 

[ModKatB]

There are not enough words to stop the pain of losing a loved one.

To the ones left behind it is like being lost in a storm and trying to

find your way home. No one is ever prepared to have to say

goodbye to someone they love. Someday in the future you will

start to heal and the hole left in your heart will mend itself with

all of the good memories from time spent together.

This is one of the many things I have written lately. I am finding that writing helps me cope and gives me an outlet for some of the emotions that are ever present in my life since I lost my husband in Feb. There is no correct way to grieve and each of us has different things that work and I hope you find something that will give you a moment of peace and maybe something to smile about.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Marcel said:

I lost my wife two years ago today. I function normally at work. I can even mention my wife without crying. But when I get home I don't have the drive to do anything.
I have thought a lot about how to get a life again. Made a lot of plans what I could do to get out of this rut.
Today I realized why it's so hard to do the things I planned to do again, like making music, playing my guitar, working out, going cycling, the things I loved to do years ago.
It doesn't matter what I do if I just do it to cover up the loneliness. It can only work if I can be passionate about it again. So the first step must be to find passion again.
But it's difficult. Why would I make music again, if I can't share it with my wife? Why would I work out if it doesn't really matter whether I'm healthy or not?
I know that I have to find joy in life again before anything else can happen. So that's my new goal. Trying to look for things or moments that are beautiful and learning to actually see the beauty in it. Be it the sight of a beautiful lake, watching children play without a care, seeing an old couple holding hands, hearing stories of people helping other people.
I think the only way to cope with the feelings of loss and despair is to allow other feelings to come through. They will not take away the pain, may remind us of our loss even more, but they can provide the occasional ray of sunlight . I've tried to numb all my feelings to make it through the evenings, it's time I look out for some new ones.

 

Marcel,

This is a perplexing dilemma, one I've given much effort to over the years.  I've processed my grief, found purpose, built a life I can live, but still haven't gotten back my passion for art, which was very much a part of me...and it's been over 13 years.  I'd love to have that back.  It's not because I need to share it with George, but more that inner driven place is gone, yes some of the very passion you talk about.  I honestly don't know how to get it back, I wish I had the answer to that.  I do other things, am still involved with music, I continue to be on the Praise Team, I'm involved in a lot of things and enjoy them, but my love of making cards...it sits there untouched until I need one, but the love I had of creating, that is missing after he died.

You ask about finding joy in life again...honestly, for myself, it wasn't about finding joy so much as recognizing it and embracing it when I encountered it, for to all of us it comes, sometimes albeit very small forms or tiny fragments...I have learned that nothing is too insignificant to count, to embrace.  And keeping your head up and your eyes pealed for it, that is transforming.  It is then that we come to anticipate and expect it!  I have learned to discard any thoughts of comparison, I do not, cannot, compare my life with George with what is now, for that is devaluing, setting me up for failure at recognizing in good in life.  No, instead I've learned to live in the present and embrace whatever good comes my way, no matter how small it might be deemed, for all good counts, live it, breathe it in, inhale it, for it is good!  In so doing we embrace life and don't discount what is today.

And just perhaps my love of making cards will return, even still...

I pray your passions return also.

[BSL]

On 9/11/2018 at 6:20 PM, Marcel said:

I lost my wife two years ago today. I function normally at work. I can even mention my wife without crying. But when I get home I don't have the drive to do anything.
I have thought a lot about how to get a life again. Made a lot of plans what I could do to get out of this rut.
Today I realized why it's so hard to do the things I planned to do again, like making music, playing my guitar, working out, going cycling, the things I loved to do years ago.
It doesn't matter what I do if I just do it to cover up the loneliness. It can only work if I can be passionate about it again. So the first step must be to find passion again.
But it's difficult. Why would I make music again, if I can't share it with my wife? Why would I work out if it doesn't really matter whether I'm healthy or not?
I know that I have to find joy in life again before anything else can happen. So that's my new goal. Trying to look for things or moments that are beautiful and learning to actually see the beauty in it. Be it the sight of a beautiful lake, watching children play without a care, seeing an old couple holding hands, hearing stories of people helping other people.
I think the only way to cope with the feelings of loss and despair is to allow other feelings to come through. They will not take away the pain, may remind us of our loss even more, but they can provide the occasional ray of sunlight . I've tried to numb all my feelings to make it through the evenings, it's time I look out for some new ones.

 

Marcel, your description reflects my thoughts very closely. 

My wife died over almost 3 years ago (Nov 2015). I have not been able to complete reading a book since then. I am perfectly functional at work and I play or train at my sport everyday now. That is one difference, it is my passion and that has not failed me. In fact it has kept me sane. 

But, as you say, the shared and personal goals are gone. Our future has been decimated. 

One year after my wife's death, I took a trip (that we had planned to make before) and I planted a tree in Iceland in her memory). That way, it symbolized her with me. It was very hard to take the trip emotionally but intellectually it felt necessary. 

Since that time, I've had many ups and downs trying to be motivated and find meaning.

 

KayC, your advice is always wise and illuminating. I seem to recall, from your other posts that you never found a new long term relationship? Was that by choice, whether as an active decision on your part or subconscious?

For me, I wonder if a new relationship is part of establishing new meaning in life. But, currently, in my mind, I refuse to entertain that idea.

 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, BSL said:

I seem to recall, from your other posts that you never found a new long term relationship? Was that by choice, whether as an active decision on your part or subconscious?

After George died, all of our friends disappeared on me.  My son was in the service and my daughter soon went back to her life and I found myself alone.  It was during this time someone called, telling me he was a friend of my husband's.  I told him George had died and I was sorry I hadn't known to contact him about his funeral.  He checked in on me now and then and in my lonely state, we grew a friendship.  In time we got married...only the surprise was on me.  He had told me he would move to my town, instead he moved right back to his city, across the state, saying it was for a job.  I now realize he had no intentions of living with me.  He used my credit to the tune of $57,000, quit his job, and went into hiding with a girlfriend, in our new motor home (I never spent one night in it but I got stuck paying for it).  I soon realized I'd been had, he preyed on me in my vulnerability, probably reading about George's death in the obituaries.
Here's the story: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/3677-the-death-of-a-marriage/?page=1

By the time I pay the money back I'll be 80, I had to remortgage my home at a time when the home needed major work and I could least afford it...it was also the beginning of the recession and I lost my job three times, the third time I retired because I couldn't see to commute in the dark and employers didn't want to hire anyone my age.

But I didn't want to be alone, I gave it one more try.  We were engaged and his mom was dying, and he broke up with me by Fed Ex.  I've since learned a lot about that, there's a certain number of people that can't seem to do a relationship at the same time as grieving, they break up with their SO and it shocks the daylights out of them.
Here's the story: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/5333-here-i-go-again/?page=1

That was eight years ago, I haven't dated since, just not interested.  It's not that I wouldn't be open to a relationship, I simply haven't met anyone I would consider and after all I have been through, believe me, I'm not willing to "settle".  They'd have to be pretty special.  It'd have to start as friends and go slow.  I've had someone interested off and on for years but I'm not interested in him that way so we stay as friends.  

I'm 65, I've had 13 years on my own, it'd take a heck of a lot for me to try again.  I had it all with George, I was really fortunate with him.  He loved me so much I'll be drawing from that love the rest of my life, so I really am one of the lucky ones. 

There is nothing wrong with someone finding someone else to spend their life with, in fact some of those that had it all are the ones that miss it so much they want it again, that makes sense.  But I warn people from trying too soon, the grief fog lasts for years, it's so important we regain some of our brain clarity before making such a decision...I was 1 1/2 years out, way too soon.  Get family/friends' opinions and really listen to what they have to say.

[BSL]

23 hours ago, KayC said:

After George died, all of our friends disappeared on me.  My son was in the service and my daughter soon went back to her life and I found myself alone.  It was during this time someone called, telling me he was a friend of my husband's.  I told him George had died and I was sorry I hadn't known to contact him about his funeral.  He checked in on me now and then and in my lonely state, we grew a friendship.  In time we got married...only the surprise was on me.  He had told me he would move to my town, instead he moved right back to his city, across the state, saying it was for a job.  I now realize he had no intentions of living with me.  He used my credit to the tune of $57,000, quit his job, and went into hiding with a girlfriend, in our new motor home (I never spent one night in it but I got stuck paying for it).  I soon realized I'd been had, he preyed on me in my vulnerability, probably reading about George's death in the obituaries.
Here's the story: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/3677-the-death-of-a-marriage/?page=1

By the time I pay the money back I'll be 80, I had to remortgage my home at a time when the home needed major work and I could least afford it...it was also the beginning of the recession and I lost my job three times, the third time I retired because I couldn't see to commute in the dark and employers didn't want to hire anyone my age.

But I didn't want to be alone, I gave it one more try.  We were engaged and his mom was dying, and he broke up with me by Fed Ex.  I've since learned a lot about that, there's a certain number of people that can't seem to do a relationship at the same time as grieving, they break up with their SO and it shocks the daylights out of them.
Here's the story: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/5333-here-i-go-again/?page=1

That was eight years ago, I haven't dated since, just not interested.  It's not that I wouldn't be open to a relationship, I simply haven't met anyone I would consider and after all I have been through, believe me, I'm not willing to "settle".  They'd have to be pretty special.  It'd have to start as friends and go slow.  I've had someone interested off and on for years but I'm not interested in him that way so we stay as friends.  

I'm 65, I've had 13 years on my own, it'd take a heck of a lot for me to try again.  I had it all with George, I was really fortunate with him.  He loved me so much I'll be drawing from that love the rest of my life, so I really am one of the lucky ones. 

There is nothing wrong with someone finding someone else to spend their life with, in fact some of those that had it all are the ones that miss it so much they want it again, that makes sense.  But I warn people from trying too soon, the grief fog lasts for years, it's so important we regain some of our brain clarity before making such a decision...I was 1 1/2 years out, way too soon.  Get family/friends' opinions and really listen to what they have to say.

KayC 

Your 2 stories of bad relationships after your husband died are heartwrenching. I'm sorry, but, as a male, I think these 2 guys are at worst, horrible people and at best, weak minded and only have their own self interest in mind. You did not need this insult to your psyche. I'm sorry to be so blunt, given the time and effort you put into these relationships. 

One thing that is interesting is your comment about Asperger's. I have a family member with Asperger's and the extremely close relationship between mother and son (who has the Asperger's) is to the degree of a co-dependent relationship. I do not judge because I get how hard it must be to be a parent in that situation, but I worry for his future when he is a middle aged adult. Maybe this explains part of your situation?

In any case, you seem to have weathered these storms of your spirit and still have energy to advise others grieving. I commend you.

 

 

[KayC]

It's the hardest thing in the world to talk about my relationship with John because I feel very stupid for having been sucked in.  But it's an important cautionary tale because it can happen to anyone grieving, especially in early grief as we're in grief fog and our brains are not working with clarity.  They say to give it a year before making major decisions?  I say give it 2, preferably 3 years!  You're by no means out of the woods at a year.  

I don't think Jim was codependent, but definitely has issues.  Asperger's factors in heavily.  I was good for him but not so sure the reverse was true, but we do make good friends.  Had I known in the beginning what I know now, I never would have gone there.  He is a good person, but weak-spined and it's important to me not to be with someone that weak...my dad was also.  

I f we try to supersede our grief with another relationship without first processing our grief, it neither drowns out the grief nor override it...it's still waiting for you to deal with when you come to. I think I wanted to rebuild my life, but that wasn't the path to do it.