Awakenings

[Epope]

Three months ago, my Derek passed on. I don't need to say that he was the love of my life, my best friend, my everything because all of you already know that since you are here with me as we all walk our grief journey together, but separate. I've had some days where I wish the Earth was flat and I could jump off the side of it. I've also had days where I can smile, I can laugh, and I can look at his picture and my heart swells with something other than deep, endless sadness. 

Derek struggled with mental illness, and learned how to walk with his issues instead of trying to outrun them. He accepted them as a part of him, and found true happiness. He did not pass from mental illness, but I mention this because grief is very mental and physical. It is something we cannot outrun, we can't hide from it, nor should we. He always told me to read Eckhart Tolle because it was someone who helped him understand himself. His books do not claim to cure you, they simply put things you already know out on the table in plain form that help you understand what life is. I am currently reading A New Earth, which I highly recommend. I also purchased Stillness Speaks which is comprised of short powerful paragraphs - and a section about death that prompted me to read. 

I thought I'd recommend these two books, or even just to read excerpts, watch videos or interviews where he speaks. It may not be for everyone, maybe no one here will find it useful, and thats ok. It is something I felt was important to share since today, after watching it, I wrote down in a journal that today I accept the gift of awakenings that Derek has given me in his passing. It was the first time I could accept something from a place that I felt robbed me of everything. I hope this brings even just a small amount of peace to those interested. 

Light and blessings to all.  

 

[Spengler]

Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me that we, the surviving members of the couple, are part of the process of our loved ones' passage. That we are the memory keepers for a time. That we are the ones, who, by example, will teach others to bear their own losses. And that life is fleeting and illusory, but no less precious for that.

 

I haven't read much of the philosophers. I've had all too little space in my life and all too little attention for that. But, now I need all the sources of comfort that are available. Listening to Tolle speak helps. Again, thank you.

[Epope]

Sometimes when something makes no sense, we want to make complete sense of it in order to move forward. I'll never make full sense as to why or how my Derek left this Earthly plane, but I can begin to allow myself certain things, what I call awakenings, and become aware of which have been dormant in my life since birth. Tolle states in one of his books that some circumstances in our lives will prompt us to find this new dimension or consciousness of thinking, one of them being loss of a loved one. It is traumatic, nonsensical at the time, and an overbearing presence in our lives. I wish every day to make Derek proud, to live my life the way he'd want me to live it (and they way I'd want him to live his had the roles reversed), and to honor that I am a spirit who lives our two lives. We all live our two lives...a before and an after. It's hard to not live our lives that way. "I haven't seen this since before..." or "I haven't touched this since before..." It's how my mind speaks to myself as if it's drawn a line down the middle for it's own sake. I'm not sure if it's to make things easier, harder, or if it's simply a mechanism of my mind when I begin to create so much thought around my loss. My loss shouldn't get to take so much credit when my gain of Derek was so significantly large. He was the first and perhaps may be the only man to swim in the sea of my being and touch the bottom. I'm not sure i'll be so open and willing with anyone else, however I'm not closed off. 

All I am trying to communicate is that in my deep and incomprehensible grief, I have begun to search and seek out and even run to a pathway lit by positive things that make no sense in a time that is so bleak. I have choice, as we all do, and this one seemed to make the most sense. 

[Michelene]

This is beautiful, and so soothing, thank you for sharing. 

Life is not the opposite of Death--birth is the opposite of Death...Life is eternal..."

 

[Sunflower2]

So beautiful, uplifting and inspiring thread of hope!  Thank you for these postings!  It is traveling forward in a different way with our loved one. xo

This morning I asked myself:   "what from my love one stays with me?"  It brought the biggest smile! My first in having that moment of thought and joy as I wrote down what I will carry. I could not have done this even a month ago.  xo

[LeannC45]

53 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

So beautiful, uplifting and inspiring thread of hope!  Thank you for these postings!  It is traveling forward in a different way with our loved one. xo

This morning I asked myself:   "what from my love one stays with me?"  It brought the biggest smile! My first in having that moment of thought and joy as I wrote down what I will carry. I could not have done this even a month ago.  xo

I love this post as well and I too think of what traits my husband had that I want to adopt as my own. He gave me so many gifts while we were together and to not acknowledge them and make them apart of me would be another tragedy. My husband was a happy, lighthearted person that would enter a room with a smile and a big laugh. He would embrace his friends and family and always be quick to say "I love you". One of his most beautiful gifts was making friends and keeping friendships. He kept in contact with friends from grade school and every job he ever had he picked up new friendships that endured. I am not made that way, I find it hard to get close to people very easily. I always wondered how he got so close to people so quickly. Now I know, it was his big beautiful heart and open happy spirit. He showed up being exactly who he was and truly enjoyed life. Now if I don't pick up on that gift it would be even more of a loss. To my amazing husband I love you my dear, I miss you and I thank you for loving me for almost 18 years. Oh how lucky I was.

[ModKatB]

Forever in our hearts and never to be forgotten. We will always have sweet memories and thoughts. All our love till we meet again. There are tears to be shed by those of us that are left behind and it will take time for the sadness to fall away. Just remember them as they were before the illness and know that they are with family that left us in the years past, celebrating their arrival and waiting for the day we will join them. KB