Grief

[adventure]

r

[HPB]

"There is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance."

Acceptance  ...I'm hardly able to spell the word correctly, let alone to conceive what it really means.

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"And  grief  still  feels  like  fear.  Perhaps,  more strictly,  like  suspense.  Or  like  waiting;  just  hanging about  waiting  for  something  to  happen.  It  gives  life a  permanently  provisional  feeling.  It  doesn’t  seem worth  starting  anything.  I  can’t  settle  down."

"I  think  I  am  beginning  to  understand  why  grief feels  like  suspense.  It  comes  from  the  frustration  of so  many  impulses  that  had  become  habitual. Thought  after  thought,  feeling  after  feeling,  action after  action,  had  H.  for  their  object.  Now  their  target  is  gone.  I  keep  on  through  habit  fitting  an  arrow to  the  string,  then  I  remember  and  have  to  lay  the bow  down.  So  many  roads  lead  thought  to  H.  I  set out  on  one  of  them.  But  now  there’s  an  impassable frontierpost  across  it.  So  many  roads  once;  now  so many  culs de sac."

A Grief Observed / C. S. Lewis   (https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed )

 

 

 

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing that poem.  In the beginning I had no idea what this grief journey would be like, I'm kind of glad I didn't know that there is no end to it, there is no "other side", but rather learning to live with it.  But not to scare those of you new in this, grief does NOT stay the same, it is not stagnant, it is ever evolving, even as we are.  The rest of your journey will not be as it is today.  The intensity of pain you're in will settle into something more tolerable eventually as you begin to adjust to what these changes mean to your life.  This is a LOT to get used to!  It is no easy feat.  Take one day at a time, today, just get through today, remember to breathe, eat something healthy, drink some water, take a walk, do today.  You will get through this, we'll do it together, I'm here, I'm listening...

[Sunflower2]

11 hours ago, HPB said:

"There is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance."

Acceptance  ...I'm hardly able to spell the word correctly, let alone to conceive what it really means.

.

.

"And  grief  still  feels  like  fear.  Perhaps,  more strictly,  like  suspense.  Or  like  waiting;  just  hanging about  waiting  for  something  to  happen.  It  gives  life a  permanently  provisional  feeling.  It  doesn’t  seem worth  starting  anything.  I  can’t  settle  down."

"I  think  I  am  beginning  to  understand  why  grief feels  like  suspense.  It  comes  from  the  frustration  of so  many  impulses  that  had  become  habitual. Thought  after  thought,  feeling  after  feeling,  action after  action,  had  H.  for  their  object.  Now  their  target  is  gone.  I  keep  on  through  habit  fitting  an  arrow to  the  string,  then  I  remember  and  have  to  lay  the bow  down.  So  many  roads  lead  thought  to  H.  I  set out  on  one  of  them.  But  now  there’s  an  impassable frontierpost  across  it.  So  many  roads  once;  now  so many  culs de sac."

A Grief Observed / C. S. Lewis   (https://freeditorial.com/en/books/a-grief-observed )

 

 

 

I appreciate C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed.  I feel anyone on this journey has to find what works best for them.  All philosophies/writings/books should not be discredited. Strangely enough Kubler Ross is still used by some therapist blended with other approaches.  There ARE some individuals who initially need the structure of the stages.  That is the only thing that holds them together until they realize the stages are intertwined and not rigidly applicable to the grief process.  With support we have to find what techniques, what therapeutic approaches, which support group works best for our soul.  What do we absorb emotionally, spiritually and yes intellectually to help us find comfort and movement though this pain. The human psyche is complicated and delicate.  Grief shatters us.  

[HPB]

45 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

All philosophies/writings/books should not be discredited.

Hi Sunflower2, I hope I was not misunderstood here, actually I just wanted to express my inability to make any progress in this journey. I know that with 5 months I'm still in an initial phase of grief, but I feel completely stuck. I could not be farther away from acceptance, I think I'm trapped in a never changing daily nightmare movie of shock, disbelief, denial.

My yearning for my angel is getting worse over time. Is the shock wearing off?  ...negative, I'm still stunned, still in shock.

As C.S. Lewis describes (and as I feel), it's this permanent unrest of suspense, waiting for something to happen. Nothing will happen! This something to happen, the only thing that would provide not only comfort but "deliverance", would be the reunion with the beloved spouse, on earth, or in the after life. The first option is not going to happen, so what's left to aim for?

I can't help but feeling dead already. I died with my wife.

(I apologize for my "broken" English. It's not easy to express thoughts in a foreign language in such a sad topic . And I apologize for not being positive. Normally I try to find some silver lining, but sometimes the harsh reality as is breaks through)

 

[HPB]

52 minutes ago, Sunflower2 said:

until they realize the stages are intertwined and not rigidly applicable to the grief process.  

..a quite realistic graph of the stages of grief can be found here:

https://medium.com/@AudreyEwell/ten-practical-ways-to-help-your-friend-through-the-death-of-a-loved-one-6af609eefceb    (see "My experience")

 

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, HPB said:

..a quite realistic graph of the stages of grief can be found here:

https://medium.com/@AudreyEwell/ten-practical-ways-to-help-your-friend-through-the-death-of-a-loved-one-6af609eefceb    (see "My experience")

 

yes I've seen that graph and it is the best visual!  Realize and belief as painfully excruciating as it is that those scribbles do begin to smooth out....that's the beginning of the adjustment...adaptations you have shared in a post. It takes time....they smooth out then they reappear again as you see in the graph. just as intense and just as entangled.  Our emotions are unpredictable. Sudden loss is traumatic. My partner was sudden Heart attack and with that comes many what ifs.  I still wake up with nightmares and panic. Your world has been shattered!  Your routines. Your habits.  That brings a high level of uncertainty.  With uncertainty comes fear.  Despair.  September 24th is my 1 year without him.  It is a very scary place to be,  I hear so much of the first anniversaries. I'm sure I will post what that felt for me. Understanding and knowing we are all unique in our grief but there are so many similarities with feelings. the graph says it all.   

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, HPB said:

Hi Sunflower2, I hope I was not misunderstood here, actually I just wanted to express my inability to make any progress in this journey. I know that with 5 months I'm still in an initial phase of grief, but I feel completely stuck. I could not be farther away from acceptance, I think I'm trapped in a never changing daily nightmare movie of shock, disbelief, denial.

My yearning for my angel is getting worse over time. Is the shock wearing off?  ...negative, I'm still stunned, still in shock.

As C.S. Lewis describes (and as I feel), it's this permanent unrest of suspense, waiting for something to happen. Nothing will happen! This something to happen, the only thing that would provide not only comfort but "deliverance", would be the reunion with the beloved spouse, on earth, or in the after life. The first option is not going to happen, so what's left to aim for?

I can't help but feeling dead already. I died with my wife.

(I apologize for my "broken" English. It's not easy to express thoughts in a foreign language in such a sad topic . And I apologize for not being positive. Normally I try to find some silver lining, but sometimes the harsh reality as is breaks through) 

 

@HPBOh no  your sharing has been inspirational. Very hard for many to express thoughts and feelings on a post.  Its one vehicle to share our pain. To share our  grief. To share our confused thoughts and feelings.  Its a space to vent.  we lost half of our souls.half of our hearts when our loved ones left.  That's how I see it. We are shattered and we are broken but we will be whole again in a different way and partnered with our loved ones in spirit.  That's the best I can say it.  

I resist at times this new partnering with grief because I want him with me physically. When I resist I feel worse. When I allow myself to be open to this different reality its calmer but I'm not saying I Iike it.  HPB you are  in my thoughts. Your loss is fresh.  It is raw. 

I do have conversations with him .  I actually sit on the floor with a cup of coffee and converse. I show him things.  I read some journal entries. sometimes I say "so what do you think of the weather...followed by well I know you cant answer......but just chatting."  Sometimes I talk to a candle. Just sharing these things I'll do to get through. I'll do whatever my soul is feeling it needs. Of course I'm inside and not sitting on the deck talking.LOL.  Have you tried having conversations? 

[HPB]

@Sunflower2

Thank you!  Yes, I'm talking to my wife every day, especially when I wake up and before going to sleep. Unfortunately it's a monologue rather than conversation. I also ignite a tea candle light infront of my beloved wifes picture when waking up; which is burning mostly all day, every day.  But beside that, I cannot go into any memories, let alone watching other pictures beside the one by the candle ...the pain in my heart to do so would be unbearable. 

 

[KayC]

I don't think we should concern ourselves about things such as acceptance...I HATED that word when George died!  It angered me because I felt it meant I'd be okay with what happened and I knew I'd never be okay with that!  But that's not what acceptance means in terms of grief.  It means quite simply that we realize what's happened and what it means to us...and it takes a LONG time to process our grief and get there, it will happen so gradually as to seem imperceptible to us.  

Reading, HPB, your most recent post, brings to mind that we do what is most comfortable to us at the time and that varies with each person and varies from time to time as to what feels comfortable.  I spent 17 hours straight making a collage of pictures of George in three sections, his life before me, growing up, and our courtship time, and our married life together.  I worked feverishly on it and displayed it at his funeral.  I created a shrine in our bedroom of/to him.  Then I went through a time when I couldn't handle looking at pictures of him, and down everything came...up...down...finally they were up to stay.  We do what we have to do to get by.