I don't know how to go on

[Rainbow518]

I just lost my partner of almost 4 years, who I was planning to marry one day and spend the rest of my life with, to mental illness. I know I didn't lose her in a physical death, but it still feels the same. Something happened to cause her to have a mental break and suddenly see me as a threat, so she left and will have nothing to do with me. I have called several grief hotlines, and have been told so many different things. Some say I have lost her forever, some say she could snap out of it at any time. Everyone I've talked to says I need to move on, but how do I do that when she's still out there somewhere? To make matters worse, I'm disabled and was dependent on her financially, so I cannot afford to live in our apartment anymore, or even in this city. I need to grieve, but I can't because if I do I will fall apart, and I have to be able to function well enough to make sure I will survive. I am completely overwhelmed, and I don't know what to do or how to keep myself going. Can anyone help?

[Noah]

This is definitely no easy loss, and you have my deepest of condolences; I can't even begin to imagine what this must be like for you. I will tell you something a friend told me. He said "Things can ALWAYS be worse, no matter how bad of a situation you're in, it can always be worse". He told me a story of where his father passed away, (He was really really close to him), and then a week later he lost his job, and then a couple of days later a tornado came into his area and destroyed his house and everything he had. Since then he's been living on the saying that "The harder the winds, the stronger the tree."... But now he's happily married, has kids, and is living. Things will get better!

I hope this is some help to you, even though I cannot directly help with your finincial problems. But you have my deepest of prayers friend.. There is always a light in what seems the darkest of times. Please stay strong!!! 

[Rainbow518]

Thank you so much, this really helped me. Just to know someone cared enough to comment makes things seem a little brighter. It's hard right now to see a day where things will be better, but I need to force myself to keep going because I do know deep down that it will get better one day. 

[Noah]

That's great to hear, I'm glad I can help out just a little bit, even if it's not much. I may also be greiving like everyone else on here, but it also helps me to help others.

Keep going strong!  I am certain more people will come here to help you bud. We're here for you! =),. 

[KayC]

Somehow hearing that things could be worse doesn't do much to make me feel better when I'm going through something hard that it's taking all I can muster to hold on.

Your grief is very real and to each person their own grief seems the greatest.  I'm sorry for your loss.  My other site there is a section called "Loss of Love Relationship" and they are what you are dealing with, someone broke up, someone left.  I've personally read and responded to each and every one of these threads.  Of all of them (about 250) I can think of only one couple that made it intact.  Most of those posting their breakup were due to the other person grieving a parent or someone and the other person did the break up.  Mental illness is a different issue, you'd have to consult a mental health expert's advice in that case, but I can only advise you to try to get over this person as this is the only information they have left you with, this is all you have to go by.  To try to hang on to hope and possibility of it changing is to prolong your grief.  You have to do what is ultimately best for YOU.  I hope you will read through some of these threads, by so doing you will begin to see a pattern emerge.  I have taken the time to read ALL of them and I can assure you, there were many who made no mistakes, did nothing wrong, they were supportive and did all the right things, and yet still they were left high and dry in the end.  It's not until we come to the place of acceptance of things as they are that we can begin to make headway with our grief over the relationship's end. 

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/forum/27-loss-of-a-love-relationship/  

My husband passed away over 13 years ago and I wrote an article based on what I've learned in my grief journey, I know our grief is based on different cause (mental health vs death) but there are similarities too.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.