I miss him so much and I want to die.

[ModKatB]

My husband had cancer and we did not know until it was too late. He had not been feeling good and I finally got him to go to the doctor only to find out he was very sick. His first visit to the hospital was Jan 10th and the second trip was Feb 3rd and he never came home again. We were together for almost 22 years, in fact Oct 19th would have been 22 years of marriage. I miss him so much and just want to die. We spent all of our time together since neither of us was working, I am disabled and he had retired. I have had days where I actually could be what most consider normal but most of the time I just don't even want to get up, eat or do anything. I had always been the one with health problems and always thought that I would be the one to go first and then he got sick and was gone so quickly. I had one person I know tell me I should get out and find me a "friend" to hang out with and she meant find me another man but I loved my husband with all of my heart and he was the perfect definition of soul mate. I don't want to even think about letting anyone else into my life right now and possibly not ever. I just want to stop hurting and it seems like right now the only way to ease the pain is to just end it all.

[Noah]

You are never alone! I recently lost my girlfriend to cancer as well, and thought about ending it all, but trust me, this is not the option you want to take.You have so much to live for! 

 I am deeply sorry for your loss, 22 years is an immense amount of time to be with your husband. You two have been through so much, that I can't even imagine what that loss is like to you.... Just know wherever he may be... He Is out there somewhere; watching you. He wouldn't want to see you sad like this would he? He wants you to live the rest of your life in happinness and not in a dark corner. He may not be physically there with you anymore, but he will always be in your heart. No one can take that away from you. I'm not the one to say, but the pain will get less with time... Stay strong. 

[ModKatB]

I have tried to figure out ways to let out the feelings so I write. I am going to put some of it here so maybe it may help in some way. I have learned one important lesson and that is you are not crazy and it is okay to hurt, weep, yell, scream, cry.

 

Silence and Tears

　

Many times over the years I wondered what life would be like without you.

Now I know and it is only, silence and tears.

Single sets of dishes and only meals for one. No one to ask what's

for dinner tonight, just silence and tears.

Trips to the grocery store and the other things I must do.

Only to return to home to silence and tears.

I don't reach for you at night anymore as I sleep in my single bed.

No waiting for you to join me, only silence and tears.

I am having to learn to live without you.

No more hearing your voice, only silence and tears.

Wondering why I am here and you had to leave me alone.

Trying to figure out this life, of silence and tears.

No joy, no happiness, no desire to even take my next breath.

Nothing to stop the silence and tears.

I would gladly go thru the hard times so you could be by my side.

Anything at all to stop the silence and tears.

Maybe one day my life will be something I don't mind participating in

and not just, silence and tears.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, KatB said:

My husband had cancer and we did not know until it was too late. He had not been feeling good and I finally got him to go to the doctor only to find out he was very sick. His first visit to the hospital was Jan 10th and the second trip was Feb 3rd and he never came home again. We were together for almost 22 years, in fact Oct 19th would have been 22 years of marriage. I miss him so much and just want to die. We spent all of our time together since neither of us was working, I am disabled and he had retired. I have had days where I actually could be what most consider normal but most of the time I just don't even want to get up, eat or do anything. I had always been the one with health problems and always thought that I would be the one to go first and then he got sick and was gone so quickly. I had one person I know tell me I should get out and find me a "friend" to hang out with and she meant find me another man but I loved my husband with all of my heart and he was the perfect definition of soul mate. I don't want to even think about letting anyone else into my life right now and possibly not ever. I just want to stop hurting and it seems like right now the only way to ease the pain is to just end it all.

Our anniversary is also October 19th, Sweetest Day.  I'm very sorry for your loss, I know how painful it is and how long it takes to adjust to our life without them, very very hard, and after 13+ years I still have to take one day at a time as the missing him continues.  It doesn't help that people suggest you should find someone else!  They haven't a clue what this is like, it's not like a break up, I know they mean well but honestly!

I hope you will go to this link, to understand that your feelings are not unusual and understand your suicidal feelings:
 https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/thoughts-of-suicide-in-grief.html

I wrote this article based on what I've learned in my grief journey, what has helped me, and I hope you will print this out and read it every few months because one thing may jump out at you this time but something else further on down the road as you'll be in a different part of your journey then.  Please don't contemplate taking your life, I know, a LOT of us felt like that early on, but you are at the hardest part now, around six months, that's when shock wears off and reality sets in and often support dries up just as we need it the most, but you can get through this.  I "felt" like driving my car into a tree at 120 mph in the early part of my journey, I just didn't see howl I could do this, how I could possibly live without him, but I'm doing it.  It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and more years yet to build a life I can live.  It's different for everyone, but the best piece of advice I got was taking a day at a time, the second, focus on what is good, it takes concerted effort to look for and find it but it's life-changing!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Noah]

 

On 9/9/2018 at 8:07 PM, KatB said:

I have tried to figure out ways to let out the feelings so I write. I am going to put some of it here so maybe it may help in some way. I have learned one important lesson and that is you are not crazy and it is okay to hurt, weep, yell, scream, cry.

I agree with you completely, that it is definitely okay/not crazy to cry or be hurt .

 

Poetry is an EXCELLENT way of expressing and releiving some of those pent up feelings. That was a lovely poem, and I'm not saying that just to say that, I actually mean that, the reiteration of silence and tears is perhaps the best part of your poem; as it really digs that into the reader's ears and mind. 

Hope you are doing well and have some hugs!