Dad passed away a month ago and I feel so guilty

[Rose3131]

My dad passed away a month ago but was in icu and hospice 7 weeks before he passed. The day of his stroke my cousin called me to tell me that my dad didn’t look to good that day, that he seemed kinda off. I know I should have took the drive and checked on him right then and there. But instead I let him take his nap and called him a few hours later. When I talked to him I asked him if he wanted me to go over and take him to the dr , but he insisted that he was just sleepy and he was fine. Within the next hour I got a call that day he ambulance has taken him and he had a stroke. I should have went with my gut feeling when I talked to him and went over, even though he insisted not to. That day plays over and over in my head 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Rose3131,

Sending love to you. I’m sitting here on my mom’s porch at nearly 1:30am replaying moments and choices I made regarding my mother too. She passed away in July...In the hospital instead of at home. I was with her, but still replay everything. The night before, my oldest brother told me she was speaking to my dad who wasn’t there. After she passed the next day, I felt that there were a lot of signs I missed. When I look back and think about it, it hurts to feel like in my heart of hearts I knew what was happening. I have guilt. I tell myself everyday to let go of it and forgive myself. I pray about it. Mind wise, I know I did my best, but emotionally I am in a different space with it. I tell you this so that you know, that no matter what, that replaying of moments and choices still occurs for all of us. It also continues to happen to me with the loss of my brother “B” as well. The...why didn’t I call that Sunday I was traveling to see him, why didn’t I go to his apartment sooner (maybe he would still be alive). When you love your parents so much (or siblings) and you lose them, it’s the hardest thing in the world. Soul shattering. There is little solace. The mind replays moments until it processes things. It will slowly change if you do your best to work through that by continuing to talk about it and express how you feel. I’m glad your on this forum doing so. You posted at the right time, just as I was feeling similar to you.

Your dad insisted he was fine. I believe a lot of us would make the same choice as you if our parent said that to us. I hope that you will be able to be easier on yourself in the coming days and weeks. Losing your dad is hard enough without adding more on your shoulders. Your dad knew how much you loved him and his spirit knows how you feel. I truly believe that. I think all of our parents that we had good relationships with, would want us not to be troubled and focus on the good moments that we did have together. To focus on the love. Many hugs being sent your way. You are not alone.