Every day is the same

[Sc39]

Each day i tell myself, "it will get more bearable". Each day i tell myself, "you will be productive today. The children need you." And each day i end up immobile, depressed, barely functioning. It is a bit over 5 weeks. The racing heart and shaking has stopped. Replacing it is an almost overwhelming, catatonic like depression. I can sit for hours doing nothing but replaying things in my head. I can lie on the bed for hours with no motivation or willpower to get up. I wonder what is the point of living such a life. I am neither dead nor alive, but stuck in a horrible suspension between both. 

I know that the more time passes the more i will be able to cope with this loss, but i feel myself sinking deeper into the hopelessness and not moving away from it. 

[blackeyed_susan]

I recognize everything you have written. My husband just recently passed away 2 weeks ago.

There arent any words for me to describe what im going through day after day.

The day starts out and ends the same way in tears. Some days i dont go out and when i do im always somewhere else.

Hopefully like you had written, as time passes i will be able to cope better.

[Spengler]

Four month on now. Some days in deep, deep depression. What helps is to maintain a routine of tasks to do every day, no matter how bad I'm feeling. Iron discipline. Force myself to take 2x daily walks and exercise. Change the sheets on the bed. Do laundry, even if laundry doesn't need doing. Go out to the Senior Center. Keep active, keep busy. No matter what. Psychological pain can be overriden by physical pain, i.e., exercising to exhaustion, and beyond.

 

Oh, and listening to Bach's cantatas, sometimes for hours on end. And practicing mindfulness. My wife was into Buddhism for some years, and the mindfulness is concentrating only on the moment, to the exclusion of all else. It does help.

 

Some days are pretty good, though. The more time that passes, the more good days. Only one or two days a week are difficult now.

[KayC]

You guys are all so fresh in this, you can't expect yourselves to feel any different than you do.  Two weeks, five weeks, four months, this is VERY fresh!  If you knew what a basket case I was at those times...it takes so much time to process grief, give yourself the gift of patience and understanding, you deserve and need it.

[Sunflower2]

1 hour ago, Spengler said:

Four month on now. Some days in deep, deep depression. What helps is to maintain a routine of tasks to do every day, no matter how bad I'm feeling. Iron discipline. Force myself to take 2x daily walks and exercise. Change the sheets on the bed. Do laundry, even if laundry doesn't need doing. Go out to the Senior Center. Keep active, keep busy. No matter what. Psychological pain can be overriden by physical pain, i.e., exercising to exhaustion, and beyond.

 

Oh, and listening to Bach's cantatas, sometimes for hours on end. And practicing mindfulness. My wife was into Buddhism for some years, and the mindfulness is concentrating only on the moment, to the exclusion of all else. It does help.

  

Some days are pretty good, though. The more time that passes, the more good days. Only one or two days a week are difficult now. 

hard to do in deep pain but you are doing it!!!!!  I had to smile at the laundry.  I mentioned that in a post. I'm trying on that walking!  easing back into a yoga routine and beginning a cardio routine but not the cardio I use to do with solitary running. need group to chip away at that isolation feeling so  I plugged into a small cardio (Precision Barre) class and going because of the energy flow and the teacher. It provides an entry back into exercise. doing it one step at a time coupled with many other "grief tools." keep sharing!  Your determination and discipline is inspiring,, even doing my weak moments.  mindfulness .  I'm even revisiting thich nhat hanh  (your true home...the everyday wisdom of thich nhat hanh).  

[KayC]

I adopted a Husky mix 9 1/2 years ago, and before that had my son's Husky, so that is my "walking routine"!  The trick is in keeping up!