Members bambina Posted September 2, 2018 Members Report Share Posted September 2, 2018 Can’t sleep well at night anymore. Anxiety, heart racing early morning. Feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. Went out today with friends but it didn’t help. Nothing helps. I want to die but I cant kill myself. I lost the only person who truly loved me unconditionally, my best friend, my rock, my support. Gone like that. No chance to say goodbye. Almost 3 months and I feel like I’m crawling further and further into a hole of depression. I’m in so much pain and i am desperate, silently screaming for somebody to help me. I keep telling myself to volunteer, just do something to get myself out of my head on weekends. Then I feel depressed and lack the energy to even attempt it. A vicious cycle. I look around at people I know, happy couples, all oblivious to the agony I’m in. They are happy. They have each other. I’m so scared that this is my life now. I look to the future and oftentimes see nothing but darkness. I pray to God to help me. Does he hear me? I’m really scared. Really really scared. The loneliness and anxiety are killing me. I desperately need to hear some words of hope from people who have been there and managed to survive and maybe even thrive. I feel as if I’m in a foreign land and I don’t know the language nor do I know a single soul out there. I wish I could cry in my mother’s arms or talk to my dad, but they are dead too. Please someone please help me. I am drowning here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Membership HPB Posted September 3, 2018 Membership Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 Bambina You put into words exactly what I'm feeling, I just woke up with pounding heart like every time when coming back to the horror reality after only a few hours of poor sleep. After more than four months, I feel the same overwhelming isolation from the world like you, I'm scared and depressed having to continue my life, without any hope of cure. The only cure would be my beloved wife to come back to me. That will obviously not happen, and makes me wanting to die, too. But in essential spiritual thinkings, "accelerating" our death intentionally is considered to make things worse, only postpone the awful pain and unsolved personal issues into the after life, and possibly mess up or delay our re-union with the beloved spouse we're yearning for. So I feel completely trapped. No escape at all. The fear and panic is really overwhelming, especially in the morning waking up in the silent apartment, and the bed empty beside me. So in my crisis now I had to immediately go online to this forum to break my isolation, and just read your desperate lines, which - word for word - describe my anxiety, my pain in my broken heart. Therefore I cannot really help you unfortunately, but I can assure you, that you are not alone. It's a pity that we're scattered all over the world and cannot meet in person. Forming a group of desperate souls in a room, not for bringing us down more in the spiral of depression, but for supporting each other by sharing the burden. Sharing the pain and being understood is temporarly the only medicine, not for cure, but for a little bit of relief. I hope we will get better when more time will pass; I continue to ask the higher power for support, guidance, and for mercy. I pray also for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LJCM Posted September 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 11 hours ago, bambina said: Can’t sleep well at night anymore. Anxiety, heart racing early morning. Feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities. Went out today with friends but it didn’t help. Nothing helps. I want to die but I cant kill myself. I lost the only person who truly loved me unconditionally, my best friend, my rock, my support. Gone like that. No chance to say goodbye. Almost 3 months and I feel like I’m crawling further and further into a hole of depression. I’m in so much pain and i am desperate, silently screaming for somebody to help me. I keep telling myself to volunteer, just do something to get myself out of my head on weekends. Then I feel depressed and lack the energy to even attempt it. A vicious cycle. I look around at people I know, happy couples, all oblivious to the agony I’m in. They are happy. They have each other. I’m so scared that this is my life now. I look to the future and oftentimes see nothing but darkness. I pray to God to help me. Does he hear me? I’m really scared. Really really scared. The loneliness and anxiety are killing me. I desperately need to hear some words of hope from people who have been there and managed to survive and maybe even thrive. I feel as if I’m in a foreign land and I don’t know the language nor do I know a single soul out there. I wish I could cry in my mother’s arms or talk to my dad, but they are dead too. Please someone please help me. I am drowning here. Oh I feel your pain. I am sorry that I don't have words of wisdom as I am only where you are (3.5months in) but my god it's so bloody hard. I also agree with @HPB that you write exactly what I am feeling. I am trying so hard to not isolate myself and as I explained today to my mother in law, my self confidence has hit an all time low (considering I am usually an extrovert). I am not sure if I can come up from this. I know that my husband would (and is) proud of me and the children and would want me to be happy but in all honesty, I think that if my life cannot have him in it, why should I be happy? I know I have young children and yes, I put on a brave face for them and am so very proud of them, but the picture is not complete any more. It never will be.... I wish you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Membership HPB Posted September 3, 2018 Membership Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 @bambina You - as myself too - suffered a sudden death of your partner. Both anticipated and sudden death are very hard to cope with, but sudden unexpected passing of our beloved partner adds some aspects, which are very difficult to handle. I think it's well explained here: http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/sudden-death Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LJCM Posted September 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 36 minutes ago, HPB said: @bambina You - as myself too - suffered a sudden death of your partner. Both anticipated and sudden death are very hard to cope with, but sudden unexpected passing of our beloved partner adds some aspects, which are very difficult to handle. I think it's well explained here: http://www.legacy.com/news/advice-and-support/article/sudden-death Good article. I was with my beautiful husband since the age of 15 (I am now 33). We had been through alot together (I suffered a stroke on my 21 birthday) we got married a year later and welcomed our kids shortly after. My husband went to work on the morning of May 24 (a place where he had worked for 18 years). You are supposed to be safe at work right?? Wrong. Our lives changed in an instant.... A widow at 33 with 2 young children?? I don't think I will ever comprehend or understand it and I am looking for answers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunflower2 Posted September 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 Thanks for the share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 3, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 Bambina, You are expressing what all of us are feeling I think. Normally I'm doing better, I've been at this 13 years, but right now is kind of a low point...I'm worried about my closest sister not making it, she was sent home from rehab and all she does is sleep, she doesn't do her PT or anything. My "engine light" just came on and I can't afford anything right now. I need a new roof, a major expense. I'm worried about my daughter who is in a horrible marriage and feels trapped. I discovered yet another lump on my dog, he's 10 1/2 and has so many cysts all over, it's not possible to operate on them all, it reminds me of his mortality. My cat's 23 so she's not any better. I'm overwhelmed with my schedule and everything I have to do, not enough time. Everything is closing in on me and I can't help but be reminded how different it'd all seem if George were here. I think about him being here with me, having his arms around me, and for a moment I imagine his comforting me, his encouragement. Prayer and meditation helps, but in early grief I imagine it'd be hard to, it was for me anyway. My heart goes out to you all...LJCM, I can't imagine. A friend of mine lost four children and her MIL, her husband and FIL commit suicide, and now she's lost her baby she was carrying. She has two children remaining, nine and one. And her and her husband were only 30. Her pain is immense, she's overwhelmed. You think it can't happen to young people, I guess death knows no age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Nely Posted September 3, 2018 Members Report Share Posted September 3, 2018 Me too, I feel so ALONE. I'm sorry I'm typing this even without reading the message in this thread yet. I feel so devastated right now. WhY will leave for work and never come back? How am I supposed to pull through this pain and anguish? Why do I have to go through this. I'm all teary right now and can'teven see to type thiS..... oh dear, oh no, oh no..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Laney Posted September 4, 2018 Members Report Share Posted September 4, 2018 I so relate to what you posted Bambina. I lost my husband (the love of my life) just over 2 months ago. I'm going to Griefshare sessions and while they don't take the pain away, there is comfort in being with others that understand what you're going through. They're once a week for 13 weeks. You might want to give them a try, it's free and if you don't like it, you don't have to keep going. I'm sorry for your loss, Take care of yourself.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bambina Posted September 4, 2018 Author Members Report Share Posted September 4, 2018 Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your kind replies. I'm so sorry for your losses. Right now I'm kind of distracted from my loss by concerns over whether i should have my seven year old cat Bella, (the love of my life) undergo anesthesia to get her teeth cleaned. She's only ever been under anesthesia once, years ago, when she was spayed, and I know the risk is low (supposedly one out of 1000 cats die each year from it) but I'm still very very nervous. She has gingivitis, and I know if it gets worse, the bacteria under the gumline could affect her organs. Sorry I know this is a site about loss of a partner, but right now I'm kind of terrified at the thought of anything happening to my Bella. She is the one comfort I've had since Brian died. Anyone here have any input or have had cats go under anesthesia? thanks, Bambina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 5, 2018 Moderators Report Share Posted September 5, 2018 I haven't, I wanted to take Kitty in to have two teeth pulled because they're ground down and she has black behind them in the gums, but no one will touch her because she's 23. If it were my cat and it was 7 I'd go ahead but I fully understand your concerns, I wouldn't want my cat to be the exception that has a bad response to anesthesia. Any concerns you have are valid, we don't like to take chances with them, but from the other side of the coin, I'm WISHING I could get my cat's teeth worked on and can't because she's too old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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