My husband/partner/best friend and family of 23 years gone

[Magee]

I don't know what to say. I miss him dearly and as time passes it's getting harder to pretend this isn't real. He has been by my side since 16 years old good or bad he was in my corner. No matter what he always answered the phone. I'm left behind with a huge mess from his addiction and us always trying to give our children a better life. My kids are 21,18,17 and 1. We had or first at 18 and it was a struggle the whole time. Now was when we were supposed to enjoy life, our grandchildren. We are so young...were so young. Daniel died May 6 from an accidental overdose of Heroin laced with fentynyl. I feel huge guilt because he came home from jail after 4 months and the kids didn't want to see him so I didn't push them. He relapsed that night and is gone forever. He text me before he died. We spoke everyday even when we were separated we were still best friends. He was my family. I feel so lost, scared and alone. I begged him for years not to leave me. I  needed him. I failed my family. I'm so sorry. I regret so much. He was such a beautiful genius. 

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[KayC]

Madeleine,

Thank you for sharing your story, I know it's painful, and I'm so sorry for all of your loss.  You were right not to push your kids, it's not your fault he ended up dealing with it the way he did. Your kids were old enough to decide for themselves how to handle certain situations, excepting the one year old, of course.  I wouldn't have pushed it.  Realizing he had this weakness, but he didn't intend things to turn out this way...we all have our own weak areas, maybe not drugs, but we all have our weak spots.  It has to be hard, dealing with all the emotions with his loss.  You haven't failed anyway, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  We all regret that we lost our spouses, it's a common feeling in grief, but it is just that, a feeling, not fact-based.  We wish there'd been a different outcome, but instead we're left with trying to pick up the pieces and life is different than any of us planned on. I'm glad you've found this place, it does help to know you're not alone in what you're going through, to know that we hear you, we understand, we're all just trying to make it through this.