Bored to tears

[BetsyD]

One of the hardest things to deal with when you have lost your life partner is boredom. Apart from the grief, the loneliness, the sadness is the feeling that you just don’t know what to do with yourself. While this isn’t the case for some who are fortunate enough to have either a job to return to every day or family or friends nearby, for those of us for whom most of our lives revolved around spending time with our now lost loved one, there is a big “what do I do now?” I live in a remote rural area where there is nothing to do. There are no restaurants other than fast food places, no shops, no museums, no organizations of interest to which I could belong.

 

When my beloved Tom was here, I was never bored – even if we just sat in a room together and read or watched TV, there was the sense of completion (you know, like the “you complete me” Jerry McGuire line?) That sense is gone. Watching TV or reading alone is boring now. There is nothing for me to do with myself. I am an independent contractor, so my work load varies and I like it best when it is heavy enough to keep me occupied. There is just so much laundry, just so much dusting or vacuuming, just so much weeding that I can possibly do…then what?

 

So, add to the long list of emotions and feelings of grief the idea of immeasurable boredom. I miss our talks, which could be about ANYTHING, no holds barred. I miss our silent times. I miss his presence. And I am bored to tears.

 

 

[HPB]

2 hours ago, BetsyD said:

there was the sense of completion

Exactly. And "completion"  is now gone, most likely forever.

.

Boredom. Isolated from the normal world.

That's the way I feel aswell at the moment, like being in a prison cell.

It's like the colors disappeared from the movie I'm in. Even worse, the movie stopped literally at a dull, grey still image.  Eventhough I don't live in a remote area - there are restaurants, galleries, museums, and other distractions in my vicinity -  I can't go to these places alone. What's the point if I cannot share my experience with my beloved wife, after we've done everything together for many years 24/7?

I'm unable to return to my skilled job (air traffic control) since I'm away from it too long. No job, that's really not helpful to escape boredom.

Reading (at the moment "Hello from Heaven") makes the time pass. And I go every day for a walk to make me tired a bit, otherwise my sleep would be even worse.

To hopefully bring myself out of the paralysis, I'm now searching for some part time volunteer work in a hospital, or old folks home. Not looking for distraction, but for doing something meaningful, and to get again some structure into my day. I have plenty, plenty of spare time, and in old folk homes there are people being partly bored aswell. So I hope it will be a win-win if gifting my spare time for chatting with the seniors, or bring them to the hair-dresser and alike (stuff they cannot do alone).

Do you have any facility nearby where you could consider similar activity?

[bambina]

BetsyD,

i can so relate to your feelings. I was just thinking today of how bored I am, how boring life has become. Just like you, I enjoyed the simple things with my partner, like staying at home and watching tv cuddled on the couch. I don’t know what to do with myself either. Too much time spent alone, inside the utter chaos of my mind. Every morning I lie in bed, heart pounding from sheer anxiety. Another day without Brian. It’s like a nightmare that you cannot awaken from. I keep telling myself that I will volunteer on the weekends, just to feel useful and get out of this self-absorbed rut, and eventually I believe I will. Anyway I am so sorry for your pain.  Just know that you are not alone and hopefully we can all continue to reach out to each other and that in time the pain will lessen. Hugs to you. 

[Sunflower2]

5 hours ago, BetsyD said:

So, add to the long list of emotions and feelings of grief the idea of immeasurable boredom. I miss our talks, which could be about ANYTHING, no holds barred. I miss our silent times. I miss his presence. And I am bored to tears.

 

 

@BetsyD I believe we all feel intense boredom.  I know I do and I live where I have access to alot.  It isn't like the city where I can just step out as we did when we had our urban space but I do have access to gyms, senior centers etc. etc. You recently experienced a profound loss.  Find something even if temporary to help you through these moments. Do you knit? Read? my concentration was very limited but I found great mindless mysteries though amazon (kindle was comforting) I shopped for books not more than 4.99. seriously. so mindless but it helped.  I did word searches. Coloring books?   The boredom does pass.  it takes time though.  Planting??  Indoor and/or outdoors.  Small pots or just one.

 

HPB gave some simple helpful suggestions too... Just try.  May work one day than not the next day.  Just set it aside and I guarantee you will use it again,.. These ideas (tools) become part of your grief toolbox. What works for one person may not for another person.  

[Sunflower2]

2 hours ago, HPB said:

Reading (at the moment "Hello from Heaven") makes the time pass. And I go every day for a walk to make me tired a bit, otherwise my sleep would be even worse.

To hopefully bring myself out of the paralysis, I'm now searching for some part time volunteer work in a hospital, or old folks home. Not looking for distraction, but for doing something meaningful, and to get again some structure into my day. I have plenty, plenty of spare time, and in old folk homes there are people being partly bored aswell. So I hope it will be a win-win if gifting my spare time for chatting with the seniors, or bring them to the hair-dresser and alike (stuff they cannot do alone).

Do you have any facility nearby where you could consider similar activity?

great efforts! Great doable ideas too. You each will find what works even if temporary,  

[adventure]

bambina you perfectly described my life. The mornings are absolutely the worst for me. I hear the sounds of life, see the sun shining and my mind wastes no time reminding my heart I'm still alone. I'm just past 3 months and still can't get a functional routine despite going back to work. 

BetsyD my Tom completed me too. He usually had a dinner for me when I came home from my 12+ hour shift and a greeting of "Yeah, you're here!" when I walked through the door. I cry after every shift of work on my way home because I can't call him and see if I should pick anything up on the way home. He would always say "no, just come home. Hurry up and come home."

I feel the emptiness and boredom are slowly driving me insane. The days are so long. And sleep is no escape because it doesn't last very long. 

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BetsyD said:

One of the hardest things to deal with when you have lost your life partner is boredom. Apart from the grief, the loneliness, the sadness is the feeling that you just don’t know what to do with yourself. While this isn’t the case for some who are fortunate enough to have either a job to return to every day or family or friends nearby, for those of us for whom most of our lives revolved around spending time with our now lost loved one, there is a big “what do I do now?” I live in a remote rural area where there is nothing to do. There are no restaurants other than fast food places, no shops, no museums, no organizations of interest to which I could belong.

 

When my beloved Tom was here, I was never bored – even if we just sat in a room together and read or watched TV, there was the sense of completion (you know, like the “you complete me” Jerry McGuire line?) That sense is gone. Watching TV or reading alone is boring now. There is nothing for me to do with myself. I am an independent contractor, so my work load varies and I like it best when it is heavy enough to keep me occupied. There is just so much laundry, just so much dusting or vacuuming, just so much weeding that I can possibly do…then what?

 

So, add to the long list of emotions and feelings of grief the idea of immeasurable boredom. I miss our talks, which could be about ANYTHING, no holds barred. I miss our silent times. I miss his presence. And I am bored to tears.

 

 

Betsy,

I, too, live in the country and there is a DQ and a Mexican restaurant (although expensive), an A&W, Subway, not much else.  There isn't shopping or museums here either.  I drive 50 miles away to get groceries, often 60 miles or more for other things, with the round trip, 100-120+ miles.  The same for going to the doctor.  I'm ten miles away from fast food, church, bank, etc.  When George died, I was working but soon lost my job...three times during the recession.  I ended up having to commute to work until the final time I got my pink slip, and then I retired.  It's important to me to have a schedule, some purpose, see people now and then, I need balance.  At home I am alone.  I can no longer drive at night so that cuts out a lot of fun things.  I volunteer at my church, I'm treasurer, I'm on the Praise Team (lead morning worship), in a bible study, a ladies group once a week, two others once a month, and I volunteer at the senior site twice a week.  This gives me a good balance of getting out or being home alone.  I have a schedule, even if it changes a bit every day.  I walk my dog twice a day, he can tell time so there's no getting around it.    It takes time to build a life, time to figure out what you want to do.  I'm lucky that I have the church, not everyone does.  I recently posted on FB, "I'm glad I have my church, they keep me from getting bored."  The elder "liked" my post...he may have thought I was kidding, but I was actually serious.

My sister and I talk on the phone every day...now I can't talk to her much, my BIL always says she's sleeping.  I miss her.