Children and cemetery

[LJCM]

We have father's Day falling on Sunday, and my beautiful husbands ashes were placed in the cemetery under a special tree. I am aware this is going to be a difficult weekend however for those of you with young children, I would be interested to hear your thoughts. 

 

Our children are 9 (on Monday so yet another hard time) and 10 and I am going to take a picnic to the crematorium garden so we can spend some time with him for father's Day. 

Our kids have never been to this place so I am sure it will be a bit nerve wracking for them. How have you handled similar situations? 

Are all your loved ones buried, cremated, in urns or something else?

[KayC]

My kids were grown when my husband died, but the articles I've read with regards to children grieving and being included in the grief process, visits to the grave, etc. seem to mention Alan Wolfelt, a renowned grief counselor and autho.  You might want to read some of his writing on the subject.  
https://www.vitas.com/resources/grief-and-bereavement/helping-grieving-children
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/20/garden/letting-children-share-in-grief.html

[LJCM]

Thank you @KayC. It was a very good read. It's a pity as there seems to be so much help for this in the USA as opposed to here in Australia. Its very hard to go through this but it would help if there were groups that you could go to. But there's nothing here. I want to start one up but just don't know where to even start. 

Father's Day came and I took the children out to the crematorium lawn cemetery with McDonald's and we sat by my husband's tree and ate lunch. I cried numerous times but it was actually extremely peaceful and lovely. Is that weird?  My kids enjoyed it too but my 10yr old was being strong for me. Which I don't feel he should need to be. 

Tomorrow is another important day as it's my youngest daughters birthday. I just wrote in her card for tomorrow and I wrote "love from mum and dad". I still feel that I should be writing that. How do you write your messages these days? 

It still doesn't feel real, at what point in time does it sink in? 

I just want him back. I love him. I miss him. My soulmate, best friend, companion, father of my children, my everything ❤️

[KayC]

2 hours ago, LJCM said:

I want to start one up but just don't know where to even start. 

Find a place to meet, we have our meeting in my church, they don't charge us.  You can get the word out in a number of ways, flyers, newspaper, word of mouth, Facebook, Senior Site.  There is tons of information available, I get a lot through griefhealing.com where there is a HUGE array of articles, I've been collecting them for years, there's books, there's so many sites with information, I have a subscription to What's Your Grief (they send it through email) and Peggy Haymes (also email).  Sometimes I get ideas for topics from here or griefhealing.  Or you can go through a program like Stephen Ministries (my pastor just gave me their materials but I haven't perused them yet).  I prefer coming up with my own materials.  (I had a workbook that was huge but I found most of the materials in it seemed outdated and too canned.)  By being on grief sites for 13 years I have a pretty good idea of the issues people face, what it's like in early grief, what it's like a couple of years on down the road, etc.  It's a little more challenging with a group because you have people representing all different phases of the journey so you want something that everyone can relate to at least somewhat.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, LJCM said:

Father's Day came and I took the children out to the crematorium lawn cemetery with McDonald's and we sat by my husband's tree and ate lunch. I cried numerous times but it was actually extremely peaceful and lovely. Is that weird?  My kids enjoyed it too but my 10yr old was being strong for me. Which I don't feel he should need to be. 

Tomorrow is another important day as it's my youngest daughters birthday. I just wrote in her card for tomorrow and I wrote "love from mum and dad". I still feel that I should be writing that. How do you write your messages these days? 

It still doesn't feel real, at what point in time does it sink in? 

I don't think I ever signed my husband's name to a card after he died.  When does it sink in?  I guess when you realize they're not coming back...then it begins to be real.  It does take a while.  I remember physically searching the house for him.  Is that weird or what!

[LJCM]

I don't think that's weird at all.

I still have everything like it was 3+ months ago (his side of the wardrobe, all his belongings etc) , and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I think I know he is not coming home however at the same time I can't believe it or still hoping for a miracle. Now I feel like that's weird or silly. 

I did something today that made me cry numerous times because it was "his" domain and I had no idea what I was actually doing but it has to be done. Is there something that your hubby always did and now you're thrown into the deep end not knowing how to swim? 

 

[KayC]

Oh yes.  I think we all do, whether men or women.  My husband handled a lot, now everything he did fits into one of three categories, 1) trying to do it myself 2) procrastinating it if I can or 3) hiring it done.  It's hard.

Don 't worry about his belongings, that can wait until you're ready, you can take care of it tomorrow or it can sit ten years, neither way is wrong, only what feels right to you.