3 years and still grieving.

[Biz]

It will be 3 years on September 24!since I lost my fiancé to colon cancer. I’m struggling right now and I guess just need some validation... a friend of a friend was diagnosed with lukemia recently, and I was told today that he was in remission. Hearing about others that go into remission is such a bittersweet experience for me. I don’t wish cancer on ANYONE and my heart honestly swells when I hear of people who beat it.. but on the other side of the coin I’m bitter. I’m angry. Why is that some people get a miracle and I get my fiancé’s ashes in an urn?

And then I get even more confused and upset and guilty because I am in a wonderful relationship with a very supportive individual. I love my boyfriend SO MUCH and I’m so happy to be with him and I know that this never would have happened if Andy had survived. I just don’t know how to process it all. Does anyone else feel a similar mix of emotions?

[adventure]

I DO understand the emotional conflict you are having. I met Tom one year after my husband died. I felt so guilty that I was getting into another relationship in what seemed so soon. But we really clicked. Despite being with Tom, I still grieved for my husband. AND loved Tom very deeply. The heart is amazing in that it can love so much!! The heart's capacity to love seems to have no boundaries. Don't limit yourself in loving....giving and receiving. 

Hearing that others survived or "dodged the bullet" that you didn't is bittersweet. And I've so often felt the bang of jealousy of why me and not them. I see older couples together and I'm so envious of the years (I assume) they got to have when that's all I wanted. I question and read and I look for answers and still don't have any. All that's left is acceptance. 

Enjoy the gift of the wonderful relationship you find yourself in now. And realize you still have a love for Andy and always will. Andy is forever in your heart. Through the 12 years Tom and I were together there were many tears for Tor, my husband. 

Now I've lost both of them. The hole in me has consumed me. And I can't feel anything for my husband. I ache, cry and long for Tom. It's unbearable. And I feel guilty that I don't have any of those feelings for Tor. I absolutely feel and understand your mix of emotions. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Biz said:

Why is that some people get a miracle and I get my fiancé’s ashes in an urn?

I don't know.  My husband and I met in our forties, we both had kids from a previous marriage, but it felt we'd waited a lifetime to find our soul mate and then he was ripped away from me as quickly as it began!  I never got any answers to the "why", I don't suppose there ARE any answers, none I'd get or understand this side of heaven anyway.  I know a lot of people think everything is planned and orchestrated, but I don't, we have free will and there's consequences for our choices but there's also genetics which seems luck of the draw...the way I see it, things seem rather random so I quit looking for answers why and just focus on what do I do now.  I can't control the why, only what I do now.  While I'm happy for my sisters that they still have their husbands and don't go through my struggles, neither can they begin to understand what it's like for me, what I go through.  It's been 13 years now my husband has been gone.  I didn't plan on growing old alone, but there it is.  It's like I've had to incorporate him into my life in a new way, like he's sort of a ghost angel to me, I talk to him, and I remember his belief in me in that gives me confidence in making the tough decisions, but we still have this connection, and our love is still strong even though I can't physically see him anymore.  I can't explain it, but I feel such deep love for him and know he does for me too, and that keeps me going, that and my belief we'll be together again, that gives me the hope and courage I need to keep going.

You say you have a SO now...try focusing less on the why and how all this came about and just accept that it is and embrace the good that is in your life in the here and now. I've learned to look for the good that is and acknowledge it and embrace it, even while I coexist with the grief that will be with me the rest of my life.  You can experience both emotions at once and continue to have a positive life.  I'm doing it, even without a SO in my life.