The pain is too much

[Jackiag862]

I hate that everyone is going through this but at the same time I’m so grateful because I feel like this forum keeps me going. It’ll be 4 months on September 7th. I feel like I’m fine a lot of days but then I’ll just start crying all the time. Today I woke up at like 1030 and smoked a cigarette and then went back to bed and just woke up. I feel like I have no purpose and that life is meaningless. I daydream about his voice and his skin and everything we said to each other. And it hurts so bad I don’t even know how to handle it. I don’t know how he left me here and how he isn’t here and wtf I’m gonna do my whole life without him. He is the love of my life the one and only, my soulmate. I watched him die, I watched the paramedics try to revive him for 40 minutes. And I just constantly think about his body laying there while they touched him and I couldn’t touch him cuz they wouldn’t let me. I’ve struggled with a debilitating fear of death since I was little and I’ve made so much progress in the past few years but now I’m so panicky again. Wondering if his soul is just gone and all of it meant nothing. Was for nothing. I have to tell myself it’s not true and I’ll be with him again. I have to be with him again. I don’t want anyone else to have that feeling. Sometimes I really do want to run away and just completely be somewhere new and be someone new. Maybe cuz it would feel like an escape from the pain. But honestly I think it would hurt so much more not being where we were together and around everyone that loved him. I just get scared for myself sometimes. The insane fatigue, the depression, the anxiety, the apathy. But I’ve read that that’s normal so...I guess it is what it is. 

I love you so much baby :(

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

Wondering if his soul is just gone and all of it meant nothing. Was for nothing.

No it wasn't for nothing.  We are energy and energy doesn't die, it just changes form.  All that happened was his body gave out, but he still is.  Everything you were together, all that you learned from him, the love you share, that still remains.  I know his body giving out wasn't "nothing", it was big because it was life altering for you, it affected pretty much everything in your life as well as his.  But take heart in that you still love each other and you will be together again.  I have strong beliefs and faith and I tell people, if I'm wrong, don't tell me, because this is my hope and I'm casting it all in one lot.

I think we all fantasize about running away, that is because the situation we're in we're not liking, but there is no escaping this, it's here in our face for us to deal with, ugh!  But I hope it gives you hope and courage that I've made it through this for 13 years now and if I am doing it, anyone can, because I can assure you that was not how I felt in the beginning, I was beside myself!  I wanted to die, I didn't see how I could live without him, he was everything to me!  And he still is, but I've learned how to do this, oh God it took years, but I'm doing it!

20 hours ago, Jackiag862 said:

The insane fatigue, the depression, the anxiety, the apathy. But I’ve read that that’s normal so...I guess it is what it is. 

Yep, that pretty much sums it up, that and more.  But it lessens to something more doable if that's any consolation.