Introduction

[Mama Tango]

Hi there everyone. I guess I’m supposed to introduce myself. My name is Kelly. I lost my husband on June 10th of this year. He was 51 (I am 40). He went into cardiac arrest and was in ICU for 4 days before being taken off life support due to anoxic brain injury (brain swelling and damage due to lack of oxygen to the brain). We have 4 children (23, 19, 17, and 9). Our 9 year old found her dad on the floor, and the 17 year old held her as I performed CPR while waiting for first responders. The guilt I feel about his death is overwhelming and unbearable. 

We met while working for an airline. We both left the airline eventually, but then later both returned to that same airline. Coming back to work was (and is) one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do on a daily basis. 

I miss my husband so much. SO MUCH. 

[vernkathy]

First I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband December 27,2017. For some reason it seems that we all suffer from guilt in some shape or form.  We always wish we could do things different and play the what if game. As time goes on you will let go of those feelings. You really shouldn't feel guilty because you couldn't do anything about a heart attack. I understand though. My husband was sedated and on a respirator for a week before I said we needed to stop. I still miss my husband so much and am struggling to find a new purpose for my life. All of our children are grown and have there own families and lives. When your husband/partner passes it is like a part of you was severed. Keep coming here and checking in, the people here know what you are feeling and it does help to read others journey. It doesn't take the pain away or bring them back, .but it helps

[KayC]

Mama Tango,

I'm glad you started your own thread, it'll be a place you can come back to and update us, or a place you can return to, to re-read posts people wrote to you.  I wish I'd done that when I first lost my husband, but I didn't understand how forums worked so I responded in other people's threads...they were more topical in nature in those days so we wrote on the topic that we related to.  I can still go back and read my early posts, all these years later, by viewing my activity, when I go to my profile, and it's interesting to go back and read my early thoughts now.

I can imagine it is hard to go back to work, especially with you both working in the same field.  

I'm sorry your young daughter was the one that found him, that must have felt traumatizing to her.  Have you had a grief counselor for her too or maybe a family session?

Guilt is a part of our grief, it seems none of us escape it unscathed, but I hope you can realize that it is not guilt earned, rational, justified, but a feeling that is common with early grief.  We go through all of the "what ifs" as if trying to come up with a different possible outcome...only there IS no other outcome, only the one that happened.  It seems too hard for us to realize, so our mind goes with all the what ifs.  What if I had made him go to a different doctor, what if I/they'd been successful working on him, what if I'd been there, what if what if what if.  We go through these thoughts a million times in our heads to no avail...it doesn't change anything.  The TRUTH is, we would have done anything for them, we'd do anything to have them back, they were our heart, our soul, our life!  And yes, they knew that.  This is part of processing your grief, just as the tears flow, it's all so hard to take in, it's a shock to our brain.  I feel this early grief is akin to traumatic brain injury, it takes time to work through it, no one would expect us to be instantly well if we went through traumatic brain injury, yet that is, in a way, just exactly what we are going through.  We can't wrap our brains around this.  It's too much to take in.  It seeps in, little by little, and it's in that same way, little by little, that we begin to adjust.  In time we hone our coping skills and our body does what it does, amazingly, it begins to adjust.  Always we will miss them, always...we continue to love them, that never stops, but little by little, so slightly as to seem imperceptible, we begin to adjust.  And we can't even see it until a few years down the road when we look back, and then we see our progress and are amazed we've even made it that far, although we can't explain how we did it, how it is possible...for it seemed quite impossible to us at the onset.

I wrote this based on what I've learned has helped me in my own grief journey and I hope you'll print it out and read it every few months because it's too much to take in all at once, in the beginning, but at different parts of your grief journey, different things will jump out at you as needed.  If you get even one thing from this, then I am glad for it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.