Feeling sadder as time goes by

[bambina]

My boyfriend died the first week of June, and I find that while I’m not crying almost constantly like I was before, I’m missing him more than I did during the first couple of months, and the sadness feels even more profound. Perhaps this is normal, as I’m no longer in shock (for the most part). I still do everything I need to do (teach, take care of my sis, take care of my rescue animals) but whereas life once felt like it was full of primary colors, everything appears gray now in my mind. Not an antidepressants but am considering it, though I’m not sure how much they will help. If I do have depression, it’s a high functioning depression. I just don’t feel excited about anything anymore. I do have moments of respite, and even moments of hope, but overall I’m just really sad. I don’t really talk about it anymore except to a couple of trusted friends and sometimes my big bro, because I feel that most people really just don’t want to hear about it or expect me to be recovered by now, which makes me feel even lonelier. Weekends, while not as excruciatingly painful as in the beginning, are still hard and lonely. Nothing feels the same without Brian. He brought this renewed hope and security and happiness into my life. And when he died, a lot of those things seemingly died with him. I want the impossible, to have him back. I can’t think for too long that I will never see him again. It’s just too painful. So I try to keep busy with work and other things. I guess I’m slowly adjusting to life without him but there’s a dull ache in my chest almost all the time, just a sense of resignation that this is how my life will be without him. He was the only man in my life who had consistently treated me with such love and respect. I really thought I had finally gotten it right. If this weren’t so sad, I’d laugh at the irony. So anyway I’m just reaching out because I’m on my way to work and the idea of facing students when my heart feels like it’s being squeezed is just not pleasant. I so wanted to just stay in bed but I know that at least I will be busy for the next few hours, so I suppose that’s a Godsend. Grief is such a relentless, exhausting beast.

[KayC]

bambina,

That's the odd part of this, the longer I'm without George, the more I miss him.  It's been 13 years for me and I find I love and miss him even more.  Our love continues even though his physical body died.  You wonder about depression, that's because grief symptoms so closely can mimic depression...it's origin may be different, but the symptoms display similarly.  But should the treatment for clinical depression be used to treat depressive symptoms in grief?  That's a question many have debated.

My personal answer, although you'll want to talk this over with your grief counselor and doctor (keep in mind, however, many doctors are quick to hand out pills and are not trained in grief specifically)...my personal take is that we need to give ourselves time to do our grief work, to allow the process, to have time to adjust.  What is grief work?  I'm going to list some articles for you on the process, grief work, depression/treatment, etc.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

http://ezinearticles.com/?Youve-Got-the-Power-How-to-Know-If-You-Are-Doing-Your-Grief-Work&id=9047323
My own grief work involved seeing a grief counselor, taking care of myself, reading books and articles, reading/posting on grief forum, journaling, art therapy, sharing with other widows, even starting a grief support group in my town.  I did other things in my early grief, made a collage of pictures, lit candles, etc.  Grief work can be anything that helps us process what has happened and what it means to our lives, it's learning and adjusting to the changes it means for us, it's honoring our loved one through memorial, rituals, continuing through life.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/06/using-medication-to-manage-grief.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/06/voices-of-experience-grief-and.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2009/11/interview-are-we-medicating-normal.html

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/03/bereavement-and-snorting-seaweed.html

I am neither for nor against anti-depressants.  Sometimes they are needed.  They helped me get through a hard time in my life, before George, and I chose not to use them after his death, although it's up to each individual and their health professionals to decide if they're right for them in aiding them through this very difficult time.  There's a myriad of choices out there, it doesn't hurt to look into what you'd consider and what you'd want to avoid, it's your health, you have a right to research them so you can bring an educated perspective to visit with your doctor.  I don't view them as a way to mask or avoid pain but perhaps to take the edge off so it feels more doable to you.  I use anti-anxiety meds for that reason as I've been diagnosed with GAD...it's not something I suddenly got when George died, I've been anxious even in childhood, but it was about ten years ago I was finally diagnosed...I did my own research and brought that back to the doctor to discuss, I'm on a very low dose, it doesn't totally alleviate my anxiety but it does take the edge off so I can better cope with it, I will likely be on it the rest of my life.  I think some form of depression is common in early grief and well beyond, I have noticed a degree of it in myself, I am functioning, I deal with it, but there feels lessened interest in hobbies I enjoyed previously, so I know I'm still affected...whether I'll ever get that back fully or not remains to be seen.  I choose not to take an anti-depressant because I am functioning and fully engaged in life, with people, etc.  
But not everyone will make the same choice as me and that's okay too, the important thing is to recognize what is right for YOU.