Lost and alone

[Cee]

I lost my partner of 14 years just short of two weeks ago, she had complications after surgery and unfortunately couldn’t hang on. I miss her like crazy, this pain is unbearable. She was my world. She had intestinal issues for quite some time and unfortunately we waited too long to address it. I don’t know how I will go on without her. I feel so much guilt for not urging her to take the illness more seriously. My family has come to town to stay with me for a few weeks to help me cope with all this but it’s too hard. I cry all the time, I feel so depressed, nothing matters to me right now. We were never very religious people and all around me I’m told to pray and ask god to look out for her soul. I tried and felt so hypocritical. I light a candle next to pictures of her and speak out for her to Rest In Peace and tell her I’ll love her and miss her for the rest of my life. How do I move forward, people tell me to be strong and that life goes on, for me it has stopped my best friend and soulmate is gone. Once my family leaves I will find myself miserable, how do people live on after such tragedy, how do people manage to live on with such pain? 

[HPB]

4 hours ago, Cee said:

I miss her like crazy, this pain is unbearable. She was my world.

 

4 hours ago, Cee said:

I don’t know how I will go on without her.

 

4 hours ago, Cee said:

it’s too hard. I cry all the time, I feel so depressed, nothing matters to me right now.

 

4 hours ago, Cee said:

I light a candle next to pictures of her and speak out for her to Rest In Peace and tell her I’ll love her and miss her for the rest of my life. How do I move forward, people tell me to be strong and that life goes on, for me it has stopped my best friend and soulmate is gone. Once my family leaves I will find myself miserable, how do people live on after such tragedy, how do people manage to live on with such pain? 

Dear @Cee

I'm so sorry for the unbearable loss and pain you are in.

I am in your shoes, I lost my dear wife of 9 years, my love of my life on April 17th. by sudden death of an unknown ruptured brain aneurism. What you wrote above could have been written by me. The pain like a stabbing knife in my heart, the panic of being alone in this world comes in waves, and this morning it is more than I can handle. Is feels like hell.

After more than 4 months I feel more devastated and anxious than in the first period after the horrific loss. The initial shock is now replaced by this unbearable loneliness.

As you I was quite agnostic before my loss, eventhough I often tried to find a path of faith to the Creator during my life. Faith is the only thing I'm left with now, I pray to God every day for his grace to reunite us after I will leave here, and I talk loudly to the soul of my  Sweetheart and beg her to patiently wait for me.

Hoping that my loved wife is somewhere outthere is what keeps me alive, ...for the moment. Surviving one day after another, that's all I can do, and it consumes all my energy of my broken heart.

I hope that the thoughts of the following link can bring a spark of hope and comfort into your present darkness. I'm really sorry for your unbearable pain which I share!

https://www.soulproof.com/when-a-loved-ones-physical-body-dies/

 

[LJCM]

I am sorry that you are here in this space with us. 

I know exactly how you feel (as does everyone else here). I lost my husband 3 months ago. We were together for 18 years and married for 11 of those. We have 2 beautiful young children. 

My husband left for work one morning and never came home. I have a buffet in our living room full of photos of him and I too regularly light numerous candles on that table. I talk to him as if he were here although it hurts not getting a response. I pray every night for just a little sign, am yet to receive one. I just want to wake up from this nightmare... 

I had his wedding ring resized to fit my thumb, anything that brings me closer to him right now. Today was a emotional day, I ran into someone at the supermarket and fell in a heap, through the cash register and was still crying, couldn't even drive home as I couldn't see as I was crying so much. This pain is so unbearable. 

I don't have any words of wisdom but one foot in front of the other and keep going. 

Thoughts are with you. 

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Cee said:

We were never very religious people and all around me I’m told to pray and ask god to look out for her soul. I tried and felt so hypocritical. I light a candle next to pictures of her and speak out for her to Rest In Peace and tell her I’ll love her and miss her for the rest of my life.

Do what feels right for you.  I talk to my George all the time, I think a lot of us do.  And who knows, maybe they can hear us, some feel they get answers...I've learned it's not something we can conjure up and control, I've heard it takes great effort on their part to give us a sign...although I have received what I considered signs, they're fewer and far between, I've learned to continue on faith, much as our relationship was built upon, faith in the other.  I believe we'll be together again, that hope keeps me going.  I believe they still are, just in different form, I think of it as transitioning rather than out and out dying...yes their bodies died and for practical purposes our government records them as dead, but their being, it continues...different people believe different things about what is to come but most believe there's something after this.  To those who don't, who believe we end when our body gives out, I encourage them to watch videos of stars, planets, universes, to study it, it gives you a feeling that there is so much we don't know, you don't have to believe something definitive, just keep open for possibilities...realize we're part of something so much greater than just us, just earth, it helps us to realize the mysteries of life are endless...and in contemplating that, it brings peace to my soul.  

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Cee said:

how do people manage to live on with such pain? 

That is a very good question...I remember feeling, in the beginning, that I couldn't live a week without my George, let alone the whole rest of my life!  In my family we live well into our 90s, how then, could I do another 40 years like this?  
Thoughts like this brought extreme anxiety and fear, not uncommon in early grief.  I knew nothing about the kind of level of grief I was dealing with, how to survive with it!  It's now 13 years later, and I wrote an article of what I've learned to help me cope with grief, how to continue living in the face of such loss!  The foremost thing I learned was to take one day at a time.  Not to think about the whole rest of my life, just do today.  One of the side benefits of doing this, learning to live in the present, was I would more fully experience LIFE by living and being present in this moment.  If I continued looking merely backwards at what I'd lost, I would miss what good there was in this moment, what was here for me in the now.  If I lived merely looking into the future, it invited anxiety, something I already have (GAD) and didn't need more of!  It's actually helped me learn to more fully manage my GAD through what I've learned on this journey.

The other biggest thing I learned was to look for good...this changed my focus, it was life-changing.  I want to share my article with you.  It's too much to grasp all at once, especially in grief fog, but works best if printed out and looked over every few months or so to see what hits you afresh at that leg of your journey.  Different things will stand out to you at different times as you are more ready for them.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.