It was 40 years ago today...but also 4 months ago today

[BetsyD]

Forty years ago today all the stars aligned just right and I met the love of my life. Four months ago today all the stars crashed and burned and I lost him. There is no way to fully describe the joy and the sorrow that I am experiencing. The blessing and the sadness, the gratitude and the anger, the acceptance and the denial. The joy that I was blessed to have had my Tom in my life for so many years, to have experienced that “once in a lifetime” love that so many don’t ever get to know, that bond of love, friendship, empathy, compassion, humor, parenthood, grandparenthood and mutual support through thick and thin that sustained each of us for so long. Then the sorrow that it ended so abruptly, without warning, without notice, without feeling that we had truly completed our lives together, without experiencing planned adventures or birthdays or Christmases with family members, old and new.

I have learned there is no recipe for grief, no magic bullet to cure the anguish or pain, no right or wrong way to react, no good or bad time to cry or laugh and, above all, no reason to apologize to anyone who thinks otherwise. I have learned that unless someone has experienced this specific kind of loss, they may fumble for words or ask “how are you doing” when they really know the answer can only be “the best I can”. I have learned that many people are silent because they think they will say the wrong thing when it is their silence that is wrong. I have learned that there is pretty much nothing that I see, say, hear or smell that doesn’t make me think of and miss my Tom.

The grieving process is a roller coaster, and, as my children will confirm, I have always hated roller coasters. I know Tom loved them, and I stood at the base of more rides than I can even count holding his camera or his backpack when he rode “just once more, OK  Honey?”  This is a roller coaster I have to ride though, experiencing its vertical, horizontal, upside down and loopy-dee-loop turns every day. The difference is that there is no thrill or excitement to this roller coaster, just an intense sense of fear as the ride progresses. Some of the fear is logical, such as the fear of living alone, someday dealing with a sick pet or making poor decisions without my partner. Some of the fear is not necessarily logical but is just as real, such as the fear of attending an event alone, which, before my beloved Tom was gone was never a problem for me – he was always here when I got home, after all. Silly things, too, become overwhelming and frightening, such as rejoining a choral group, which used to be so very important to me as something I did just for me, but now not wanting to look out at an audience and not seeing my Tom at every performance.

So here I am, alone in our house, with my three dogs and two cats, and with memories and love and pictures filling my heart and home and knowing in my heart that I really did have those just-shy-of-forty years with my true soulmate, my true partner. I know it has “only” been four months – but it seems like another forty years since he was here. 

I am so thankful for the love and support of my family and friends, the “therapy” FaceTime sessions with our beloved children and grandson and whatever strength that Tom was able to instill in me to deal with whatever life throws at me. I hope I am making him proud. I am sure as hell trying, my love. I love you, Tom – and I miss you more than anyone can possibly imagine and will, always and forever. You have always been, and always will be, the wind beneath my wings.

[KayC]

I envy people that get so many years together.  Why it had to take us until our forties to meet, I don't know.  We thought we'd get forty years together, we didn't.  I never dreamed it'd be so short though.  Life with him was the best years of my life.  What an amazing man.  

I like how you put 

2 hours ago, BetsyD said:

whatever strength that Tom was able to instill in me to deal with whatever life throws at me.

That's what I take away from this too.  We learned so much from having had each other in our lives, it changed us, and yes, it felt like it completed us...but we still have more to go yet before we can join them.  And I think in some way they're still here with us now, but I miss the old way, I liked how it was, being able to hold each other, talk to each other.  But our interaction taught me so much, he gave me confidence, his belief in me was amazing.  To know you are loved this much...well it's enough to carry me for life, it has to be.

[BetsyD]

This was the reply I got from my sister to what I wrote - I couldn't be more honored or grateful for her words. She is two years younger than I and has been married for 42 years:

Dear Betsy:

This is so beautiful. I'm sure that many people who have lost spouses feel much the same as you do but don't have the ability to express their feelings as honestly and poetically as you can. You were an amazingly independent woman who is suffering in the same way as someone who lived a life with more traditional gender roles. For that reason, I feel that in the future you might be an outstanding resource for other grieving people. You get it! No platitudes, no Hallmark sentiment crap, just as you said, "the roller coaster" of grief. I'm happy that we live in a time that people don't feel that they have to suffer silently. Rather than revealing private thoughts about loss, you are helping other people. That is a positive and I know that Tom would be very proud of you. The only way we can guard ourselves from any kind of loss is to never love and what an empty existence that would be!

 

I've been watching America's Got Talent and have loved a choral group from L.A. Every time I hear them sing, I think of you and how healing it might be for you to join a group when you get out to Arizona.Tom won't be in the audience but maybe the kids can be.

[Sunflower2]

@BetsyD your deep feelings and pain have been beautifully shared with us.  Thank you!

[KayC]

And who knows, maybe Tom is also.  And she's right, you do a good job expressing yourself, you and Sunflower are both assets to this forum!